Married Man in another country - any sense?

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This could be the classic story of the affair with the married man ... maybe it is, I don't know.

(having said that, leave the judgamental cr*ap out please...)

I met him in October 2011. We live in different continents (it's a ten hour flight). He came on vacation (alone) and we ended up getting involved. I knew he was married, but I thought I would never see or talk to him again...after all, it was just a 8 day vacation. I was wrong.

So he returned to his country,and since then we've been talking everyday (we exchanged contacts but I NEVER thought he'd keep in touch). I was initially very cold and wouldn't reply his e-mails, because in addition to living so far away, he is married and it needed to stop because we wouldn't get anywhere and I would only end up getting hurt. But then I fell for it. He insisted and insisted that he loved me and would prove me wrong. (I got the feeling that he felt very alone and disconected in this marriage, as opposed to the caring and loving way I treated him).

The truth is that it's been a year and seven months and he continues to call almost daily (of course, when she's not around), e-mailing and has come to my country 5 times in a year just to see me.

Having said that, the excuse of "he's using you for sex, having his cake and eating it too" does not seem to fit this story. This is what makes me think there's something "different in this story" (some may think I believe what I want to believe, but it's not that at all). We're not talking average phone calls or journeys to see me, he actually has to spend often more that he can afford (the benefits and disadvantages of credit cards...) to keep in touch with me, to see me. I think he really loves me, but doesn't seem to be able to end a marriage of 17 years with a 16 year old son, because there are bonds, feelings, friendship, sense of security, etc. He has always told me he doesn't love her, but tells me he cares for her and they're friends.

When they married she was 16 and he married her because she was pregnant and felt it was the right thing to do. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, nor saying I completely believe that it's just out of pity that he's with her, but I get the feeling that she is emotionally dependent on him and he worries about her almost like a father would, but says he does not love her. I know he has cheated on her several times, he told me himself, and that once he almost left her for another woman, but then she begged for him to return home and he felt guilty so he did. He also says there are things that keep him with her, mainly financial issues (I know they all say so, but I have good reasons to believe it's true) and his son. Whenever he comes to see me, he has to pay the trip in 10 parcels and halfway through the days he's already out of money and I pay the expenses). Also seems to me that he feels very responsible for her and he is the kind of person who always wants to be on good terms with everyone, he cannot handle situations that might end up in confrontation. He avoids it and he feels responsible for everyone's happiness. He accompanies her everywhere, but when he goes somewhere, she doesn't care and he always goes alone (I know this for a fact). She seems not to care much as long as he comes home.

He's saying since the beggining he will separate and keeps saying so, but in such a convincing way - and I'm not an idiot to believe any crap) that, difficult as this may seem to believe, I truly do - I don't know if he'll go through, but I know he wants to.

So he decided he would leave by the end of August 2012. He left his job.

In August he came, but told me he hadn't been able to finish the marriage. She had a minor health probem and he couldn't end it (I know, it's not a good enough excuse, in spite of being true), also because of what his son would think of him and fears and insecurity. He came and stayed for a month, he only went back when she told him the date of the surgery, as he had promised he would be there. I went to the airport with him to arrange a flight to fit those dates.

I do not know what he said to his wife about leaving home for so long (a month) without a date to go back, but sure she didn't mind (or didn't show it) because one day I was sitting next to him and saw an e-mail from her saying "hi sweety, missing you! Love you a lot" that is not normal ... if your husband leaves for a month you sure will suspect something: he had his phone turned off ALL THE TIME he was here...she could only contact him by email.

The question is: will he ever leave her? He has travelled here twice since August, and I went there once. The calls and e-mails continue, keeps saying and insists on saying he's doing what he can to get finantially independent, that he wants to stay with me and will be with me. But he still lives there. Says he's trapped because since he left his job, he hasn't got up on his feet yet and depends on her financially. I know it's not just this, and I know it's not easy to leave your whole life behind, specially when you get along with your spouse (even in a superficial way), when you've built a life, and simply trade it for something so uncertain - even though we love each other.

Thing is, I torture him and pressure him so much (I really do) that he could have ended this thing already. He doesn't. We live 10.000 km apart. Who would go through such trouble for someone so far away if they didn't love them?

Sex...well, he can have plenty without having to cross an ocean.

Also: we are friends on facebook and he posts songs on my wall regardless of who may see it (note I'm also friends with his son and other family members on facebook. And sometimes when we're on the phone he will tell me to talk to his son just to say hi, I think he's trying to build a bridge between us, but still has failed to do what he should do).

Sorry if this is confusing. Not easy to resume almost 2 years and everything that comes with this situation. Thanks in advance Smile

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This is a convenient situation all around.

He gets to have hanky panky without doing too much to kill off his marriage, his respectability or explain anything to his family, friends and coworkers. It costs him some money but not a lot. He does not have to take you anywhere unless he's there. This is a bargain.

For his wife, she can pretend that it doesn't bother her, and can afford to be somewhat open and allowing it. Don't think she doesn't know - if she has any clues about finances, Internet usage, his Facebook activity or even just the time he spends on various activities, then she knows or at least suspects. She may not know that it has been physical or may be in denial of that. She may be justifying to herself that, since you're however many miles away, it's not as big a deal.

For you, it's a convenient way to have what feels a bit like a relationship without having to compromise any of your personal space. You don't have to go out and meet men, and you don't have to try. Your home is your home, with your things in it and the way you want it, not with his dirty socks on the floor or his possessions that you might not like. Time together is fun and pleasant and, if it turns difficult, you can always turn off the webcam or not be there for chat or answer the email later or even fake a connection problem.

It.Is.Easy.

And -

It.Is.Not.Real.

Now, I am well aware that you are real people, but this is a lovely fantasy world, conjured up by the two of you. It is safe, simple and, like I said above, convenient. There is very little pain here; it's mostly fun and games and it is on your terms and on his terms and not on the terms of the gas company or the kids' school or the weather or any other of a thousand things that get in the way of people's happiness.

One line has been crossed with physicality. Another has been crossed with spending some money. I will grant you those things. But the biggest line has not been crossed - him leaving her.

And I bet he never does.

Also, you might be dealing with someone who is happily video chatting with another woman or two while he chats with you. It's easy and fairly seamless to switch from one window to another. All he has to do is keep the names straight. You have no idea whether he is doing that, and he might be. And even if he isn't, there's really no reason, in his head, why he can't do it after you and he are together, if it ever, by some miracle, gets that far. He's got precedent, and you've been a party to this.

There are other, unattached, fish in the sea. But they come with baggage, with taste in clothes that you might not like, or days when they're unshaven, or times when they have to work when you'd rather go out.

But they are real and they are close and they can be there, and they can do so without deceiving someone.

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@jespah,

Thank you, jespah.

However, to think this is "convenient" and "easy" shows a complete unawareness of what it is to deal with this situation. And also, if I may say, shows a little patronising (sorry if I'm wrong) in reducing us to some sort of dumb people who don't know what it would be like to deal with routine, only getting the good out of the situation, as if we didn't know better than that. Oh well.

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@SophieEllis,

Wow.

Whether he'll leave his wife or not, noone can tell.
What amuses me is how quick people are to judge.

Regardless of everything else, I think this guy has to love you. Come on, it would be cheaper and simple to hire a hooker. He wouldn't travel so far if he didn't love you. He simply wouldn't. Am I the only one seeing the greatness of the gesture here?

Now, if he'll leave her or not, that's a different story. Too many strings attached...who knows.

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@SophieEllis,

Even if he did want to leave his wife I assume there would be a whole lot of complications involved in him moving to live in another country (or would you want to leave your life behind to go and live in his country?). He might be prepared to leave his wife - but is he prepared to leave his son, career, extended family etc to live 10,000 miles away? And of course if he was prepared to cheat on his wife there is no reason to think he wouldn't cheat on you. You said he can't cover all his own expenses when he visits so he obviously can't really afford to visit - and every dollar he spends on travelling to see you is a dollar he's not spending on his son's education and other commitments he has. It may seem romantic but I'm not sure if I'd want to spend my life with a man who is so reckless with money.

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Does this situation make you happy or are you just competitive?

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This is most likely a cultural/religious/economic situation where it is permissive to have a mistress on the side - but these kind of men ALWAYS stay with the wife.

You are the other woman and the wife seems to have accepted this - because he ALWAYS has come back.

Accept that this is what it is going to be. If that is good enough for you, then sit back and enjoy whatever time you get with him. But make no plans for the future.

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@SophieEllis,

If you have to question it, then it's not real. The only things real in life are un-questionable.

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Married Man in another country - any sense?

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