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Tue 14 May, 2013 07:27 am
To start, in no circumstance would I continue on a relationship if they cheated physically with another person. My girlfriend is the same way back. I take that very seriously as apparently does she. I have never cheated. I can't even bear to think of it, nor would I ever do it. I absolutely need someone to have the same view as me in order to feel comfortable in a long term relationship. I respect others have different opinions about staying in a relationship after cheating, that's not the issue here.
I made some mistakes with my girlfriend in terms of honesty. Truthfully, the only thing that didn't create honesty out of me is shame, for a few reasons. I actually do not have much of a sexual past, I've had very long stretches without sleeping with anyone, or even dating anyone and actually it was my choice. I was self absorbed in work, or a routine. But once in a while, I would feel very abnormal and would admittedly very sporadically date, and a few times it resulted in a one night stand. I was not proud of this, I always wanted a relationship, but only had one in my life. My girlfriend got some information out of me and was hurt I didn't tell her more about my past. I knew it was wrong, but didn't anticipate the level of anger, as it was the past and nothing to do with today.
My girlfriend has this ex, I caught her speaking fondly of him in some ways, and she admitted this ex was a problem and they were in contact. I didn't want them in contact. To show I am reasonable, I know she was in periodic contact with another ex, but I didn't get any sense this ex was inappropriate. I trusted my girlfriend, I just hated the idea of a guy coming on to her that was a former lover, especially when I wouldn't know or be told about it, so I wanted it to end. In the coming weeks, when we fought, my girlfriend would threaten going back to this guy, or talk about him. I felt the threats were to just make me mad, but still I was very uncomfortable.
Eventually, my gut feel was getting the better of me and I felt they were still in contact, just too much mention of this guy. So I got into her e-mail account, and I found horrificly graphic sexual e-mails going back and forth, along with pictures (allbeit clothed, but sexy) going from her to him. I did find one of her topless to him, right at the beginning of our relationship as well. This was completely horrifying to see. I was convinced I was going to break up with her. This guy was out of town, but the e-mails even had talks of getting together or going on a trip, and talked about me specifically as if she was leaving me. I decided to let my girlfriend explain... and the explanation then and to this date was, she was just doing this to keep his attention as she relied on him for emotional support through the years when she was single. She said she was "whoring" herself out to keep him around since his self esteem was low, and he was also an expert in her field while at school and could help her with graduate work etc as a resource. She said she had NO pleasure from this, despite it being all over. She said she was unclear where we were going, and she was hurt by my lies on my past, and this was part of the reason for the escallating e-mails with him. This story is very hard to believe.
I was traumatized by this, and call it a character flaw if you like, but I was destroyed. I cannot mentally handle cheating of any sort. I let it go, in day to day life, but it would always pop back up. There's been horrible escallations in our fights, I've done some very bad things as has she to each other and I think a lot of it might have been stemming from two things, 1) the constant badgering about my past when I'm already ashamed and don't want to talk about it. 2) the hurt from what she has done.
Should I have left her, right at the time these e-mails were discovered?
Second quick part, I take responsibility for a lot of what's happened since then, we were in a very tough spot. She had not contacted this ex in months because of the problems it caused and she wanted to be with me. In my heart I felt I was holding her back from contact, but didn't care, I hated this individual with all my being, he can find someone else to have those discussions with. But recently after a major fight that was my fault, she turned to him, albeit in a non-sexual e-mail, explained her grievances with me, and wanted him to be friends with her again. She promised never to contact him again. We may be on the outs now, but we've rescued our relationship from the dead several times, so IF we continue the relationship, how can I be sure that she won't have those sexual discussions with him again? Should I even take the chance?
Sorry for the long post, I would appreciate comments though.
Run, don't walk, away from this drama.
Who gives a **** if she cheated? I'm more disturbed by her "whoring" (her word) herself out to get, I assume, a job or a recommendation or the like.
What will she do when she wants a raise? A lower interest rate on her mortgage? An upgrade from coach?
I realize I'm being a bit flip here, but it truly disturbs me that this is the well she is going to when she wants something - to use her sex appeal as a bargaining chip, for her own commercial interests. I do not dispute that people tart themselves up in all sorts of ways when they want something - but they tend to not sext as a part of it. It is not only disturbing that it could eventually lead to a lot more than looking, but also because, when she's older, what will she use then to get what she wants?
The throwing your past back at you is a smokescreen, and it's an effective one because you keep falling for it. You were younger. You had poor judgment when you were lonely or horny or drunk or some combo thereof.
Lots of people do stupid stuff when they are young. That does not mean that it is argument fodder for the rest of your days. But she is behaving this way now, and she should know better.
You don't need this bullshit in your life.
@isshecheating55,
This doesn't sound good. This woman is plucking at your self esteem and you really have to pry her fingers off or she will make you miserable. Bad experiences like this tend to get worse not better. I wish I could tell you everything will be alright, but I allowed my first husband to treat me progressively worse until I felt worthless. Love should never make you miserable, and I think she has to go.
What does this girl have to do to show you that she is not able to have a mature relationship with you?
And WHY are you even talking about the past "episodes" that either of you have had? That is immature and provocative. It's stupid excitement.
She sure does bring out the worst in you.
Want to stay in that relationship?
@jespah,
Eyi jespah some how I wish I can tell to hold on but I think I would be misleading you believe me I know what you are going through I'm actually going through it now when a person keeps testing you and they always have stories to come up with and you must understand I'm trying to get courage to get out I suggest u try and do the same .a person whose not willing to give as much as you do is not worth it
When you decided to read her emails you showed you didn't trust her. Relationships don't work without trust, you need to get out now before things get really nasty.
@isshecheating55,
She's stuck in her using, promiscuous, previous life... She doesn't know a good thing when she has it, someone to love her, for her, inside, not just outside..
One day when she feels she can't hurt anymore, she will remember you and it will be too late.
She can't get mad and angry at you for anything of your past, it belongs to you.
Yet, she won't allow you to be upset - and can not help herself but to go back to her own past.
Work is not everything, smell the roses, make time for yourself outside of work, sheez, I am a workaholic and have to keep reminding myself of same. Yet, I am in a committed relationship of some 3.5 years now.
This girl has baggage that you don't need or deserve.
@isshecheating55,
isshecheating55 wrote: So I got into her e-mail account,
<giant snip>
so IF we continue the relationship, how can I be sure that she won't have those sexual discussions with him again? Should I even take the chance?
Sorry for the long post, I would appreciate comments though.
Truthfully I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either of you.
I think she should have broken it off with you when she found out you'd gone into her email.
That breaking of trust would have been the end of the relationship for me.
There's no trust on either side of this relationship.
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