He wants kids and I'm not sure

Reply Fri 10 May, 2013 12:51 am
In the ideal picture of my life I would not have biological children of my own – I decided this when I was young – but over the years realized I would probably have to compromise if I wanted to get married, or at least have more options of who to marry ha. I’ve always felt strongly about wanting to adopt or give foster care a try, and then maybe have 1 or 2 of my own if my husband wanted that.

Now I’m almost 24, and my boyfriend of a year and a ½, whom I live with, has just told me that me not having any biological children is a dealbreaker and that so is foster care. He very begrudgingly, and only after some pleading, even considered adoption a possible option.

This only came up because I’m reading a book about midwifery and it made me want to tell him my feelings on having kids, not because I want to start a family ANY time soon. But it is an issue… I feel like I don’t want to address it now, and just brush it under the rug for awhile, but if these are really dealbreakers then maybe it is something to address now before we get more serious, and it becomes more heartbreaking to have to end things….

Umm so any suggestions?
Reply Fri 10 May, 2013 07:42 am
Ah, the child question.

It often is a dealbreaker, so recognize that.

Adoption and fostering are noble and wonderful sentiments, but IMO they shouldn't be done for the sake of compromising with a mate or a future mate. That's not fair to the child(ren).

Interesting that he essentially made the creation of biological children a more or less requirement. I assume you convinced him that, well, biology doesn't always work. After all, would he leave you if cancer treatments left you without ovaries, or without a uterus? That happens, and it can happen to women as young as you are. Would he find it impossible to live in a world where, maybe, he has a low sperm count or such a delicate vas deferens blockage that the issue would be on his end? I doubt it.

Hence adoption is on the table. Good. I think.

Adoption these days means a LONG process. It is not likely to mean a tiny infant, nor is it likely to mean a child who is not of mixed race, and it might mean a child with special needs, which is anything from deafness to autism to fetal alcohol syndrome to cerebral palsy or a thousand other things. Or it means heading out of the country, to China, or the Ukraine, etc. Big $$ no matter what. And if that is what you want, and you are both into it, then that's wonderful, and I wish you all the luck and joy in the world.

If it's half-hearted, if it's a compromise you both hate, well, I think you might know where I'm going with this.

So ask yourself - how do I really feel about this? What's my real motivation here?

Oh, and one other thing - there are men out there who don't want children. I married one.
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