Was It Rape?

Indeed, I would classify it as date rape.


That doesn't sound like an action born from remorse (which in theory could have been a saving grace) but an action born out of the possibility that he was drunk and/or stoned. Find out if that's the case. If he was drunk, then file a police report.

It's possible that these hurt feelings that you are suffering from are symptoms of PTSD.

AS for hypothetically crying out a bit louder to get the point across, one will never know. It would make humanity more deserving of grace to believe that those friends in the nearby room would come about to your rescue.

Get some help as soon as you can. Even if its talking to a counselor or a therapist. Don't keep this to yourself and there is only so much comfort and emotional help you can get from a third party online forum.

Definitely boorish behavior but most people would not call it rape. That's like going to live in a cave with a pack of wolves and then complaining about getting gnawed on.

It was certainly against your will - I agree with the idea of getting some counseling to work out your feelings. You can file a police report.

You had a boyfriend who dismissed your feelings. He didn't hear NOT TONITE from you. He got his way and thinks nothing of it.

He is selfish and probably has no idea that you feel the way you do.

You must talk to him and tell him that your relatinship was damaged that nite. but don't be surprised if he looks at you like you are crrazy.

PS - does he dismiss you in other areas? like not listening to you, not caring about your feelings, not being attentive? This sounds like a pattern in your relationship that you may not even be aware of.

No, I don't think it was rape--not as the crime is defined in the state in which I live.

You told your boyfriend that you were tired and not in the mood, so you indicated some lack of consent beforehand. But, once your boyfriend began to act again, by first undressing you, and then by doing "his thing", you neither physically nor verbally told him "No" nor indicated you wanted him to stop.

Furthermore, you appear to have been somewhat of an active participant, since you told yourself, "maybe I could enjoy it, and I tried to feel some pleasure". So you were somewhat willingly acquiescing to sex at that point, even though you weren't in the mood for it. He wasn't having sex with you despite protestations coming from you, protestations you were physically capable of making, had you wanted to make them. What signals were you sending to him?

The person in question, your boyfriend, was also your regular sexual partner, and he might have had experiences in the past where you first said, "No, not right now," but then failed to resist his further advances, or didn't seem really bothered by them.

He did not have sex with you despite your expressed objections at the time of the sexual act or even immediately before it, while he was undressing you. That is why it was not a criminal act of rape on his part. You failed to indicate any lack of consent once he initiated further advances.

You cannot expect a man, particularly your regular sex partner, to be a mind reader. If you really didn't want him to continue making advances and sexual moves, it was up to you to make that clear.

Your boyfriend may have been inconsiderate, selfish, boorish, and insensitive in his actions, but I wouldn't consider him a rapist legally.

I think you were angry at yourself for letting yourself be used that way by someone like that, and you felt very hurt, and angry at him, that he was more interested in satisfying himself sexually than regarding your feelings. And, when you heard your boyfriend laughing with your other housemates, it was probably like having salt rubbed in a wound. It was hearing that laughing that inflicted an emotionally traumatic wound on you--it was as though they were belittling you, and your feelings, by laughing.

The real issue is, if this happened such a long time ago, why is it still bothering you so much that it still haunts you and...

Are you still involved with this man? If so, you've got a lot of unresolved anger issues you've got to get out in the open with him and start resolving.

If you're not still involved with him, have you continued to be so passive when it comes to sticking up for yourself, and indicating firmly what you do and don't want, with other men--not just in bed, but outside of it as well, in the overall relationship? Do you tend to make yourself a doormat with people?

I think that experience may have become symbolic for you as an example of how others treat you, and your feelings, as being insignificant and not worthy of respect--and how you allow this to happen. And other instances, in your current daily life, where you may feel slighted, or used, or disregarded, or abused, may trigger memories of that night because they arouse similar emotions in you. And you may be carrying around a lot of anger inside yourself because of these things. It's better to deal with that anger and hurt than to continue to let it simmer or fester.

I think it would be helpful for you to consult a therapist to explore some of these issues, so that you do not continue to be "haunted" by that night, and so that you can resolve your obviously conflicted feelings about it, and so that you can move on with your life in a less burdened way, and without repeating patterns which might not be in your best self interest.

No, it wasn't clearly against her will at the time he initiated the sexual act, or even when he undressed her. It wasn't something she was in the mood for, based on her prior remarks to him, and based on what she says she was feeling inside her head, but she indicated no overt lack of consent, either verbally or physically, once he made further advances, to clearly let him know if he was acting against her will at that point. Not really being in the mood for sex with your regular partner, but going along with it anyway, is not quite the same as having someone sexually assault you against your expressed will.

Had this poster clearly been legally raped by her domestic partner, what would even be the point of filing a police report a long time after the fact? What could the police be expected to do in such a situation, without even medical evidence, or physical evidence, of any sexual penetration or sexual contact, on that particular night so long ago? Actual domestic partner/marital rape is hard enough to prosecute under the best of circumstances, but a very long time interval before filing a police report makes that job almost impossible.