sounds like rape!?!?

So i met this guy after a year of grieving for my dead boyfriend, he asked me to the movies the same night we met, i said yeah but i ended up not going. We kept talking over the phone and texting, I remember one of the first things i said to him was 'whatever u want from me, i'm a virgin and i want to stay like that till marriage, so if u looking for sex we better stop talking' he said he wanted to get to know me or whatever, we started dating in aug. 2007 everything was great, he was loving and caring, if we were to stay at his place to watch a movie laying down he would put a pillow between us, which i thought was cute, he never, ever disrespected me. I was raised different than him, to my parents even tho i was almost 22 and officially dating this guy i was not suppoed to be at his appartment were he lived by himself, i would go anyways ignoring my parents opinions, in october same year about three months of dating i found out he lied to me about his name, and believe it or not he turned out to be my college crush from 3 years back. We stoped talking, i mean he lied about his name, seriously? Who does that?? So he started talking to me again in november after my best friend passed away, we kinda started dating again, i asked him if he would come w me to my xmas party from work, he said yeah we were matching outfits n were a couple again. We went to the party, yeah i was wearing sexy clothes, he helped me pick, i had never drank a beer or a mixed drink, all i have had by then was a wine cooler at home, so we got 2 drink tickets each at the door, we sat down n he went to grab drinks, i had whatever he brought me, a blue drink, then a beer then another, i had like 3-4 drinks, we took pictures danced n when we wrre about to leave i could feel 'drunk' he was driving my car so i had to drop him off at his place, but to b honest i couldnt even keep my eyes open, i felt so weak, he said he had to go somewhere first, so he did go to an appartment bulding but came right out, we went to his place but i couldnt drive so i said i cant go home like this, i wont even make it to the corner, he said to come in and take a 30 minute nap, he helped me out the car, up the stairs, i went in the bedroom n he stayed in the kitchen, i went to bed n passed out, a while later hes in the room on the bed, n trying to wake me up to watch a movie n i try to look up n there is a porn playing, i could not keep my head up so i lay down and fall asleep again, next thing hes on top of me i open my eyes and try to get him off but my arms do not respond me, i felt this horrible pain, that makes my body get strenght n pushed him off i get up as i can and there is blood driping down my legs, i made it to the bathroom, bleeding really bad all i could see was blood, i asked,'what did u do to me' he said 'dont worry i just popped ur cherry' i pushed him out the bathroom n got in the tub, cried n cried under the shower, i got out, put my bottoms on which obviously he had taken off, n went home, it was late, i had never been out so late, i remember sitting in my car not wanting to go in my house, he called me while i was sittin outside, he said he wanted to talk to me n he sounded like he was crying he said he was sorry but that he did it cuz he didnt believe me when i told him i was a virgin, i was so confused i did not want my parents to know because i knew they were going to say it was my fault cuz i should of never been there in the first place, n girls that dress sexy n r out late at night are asking for it, also i thought i had to marry him now, cuz he took my virginity n nobody else was ever gona want me, so i agreed to talk to him next day, i didnt sleep all night, i cried in bed thinking about how i was such a bad person for not listening to my parents, so i went to a movie with him next day, we did not mention a thing thru the movie or dinner, we went back to his place, i hoped he was going to talk about it and agree that we should get married, but i sat on a recliner and passed out, i had not had any sleep n my phone was on silent cuz we just came from the movies, my mom called like 1000 times while i was asleep, he woke me up and said to call my mom cuz she was calling me, so i did, i told her i fell asleep, n obviously she thought i was sleeping w him, called me every name in the book, i went home grabbed my stuff n left my parents house, not only i could not look at my parents in the eye but i couldnt count on my mom wjen i needed her the most, i went to a friends house, n stayed at hotels while looking for an appartment, after a couple days my still boyfriend said he had to move 2 hrs away for school n if i wanted to keep his appartment while i found something of my own, so he wouldnt lose it cuz he was coming back, so it worked for both of us, he left n came back the next weekend, asked me to come over to his moms for xmas n proposed, gave me aring n said he wanted to marry me, i didnt go to his mom, even tho i wanted him to propose i was still confused about the way things happened, i spent both xmas n new years alone, i kept it all to myself, i thought i did stuff that caused that to happen i mean, he didnt force me to drink or to go in his place. So may b like my parents say, i asked for it.. he came back on a weekend n tried to have sex but i couldnt, i just kept crying so he stopped. In february while at work my coworkers were talking about first times n when they asked me i just started crying n walked away, went home sick n started to drink, by that time i had already been drinking 24/7, so i got so drunk that when one of the girls from work called to check on me i started telling her about my first time, crying n drunk as i could be, she came over n told me that what he did was rape, because not only i had told him a thousand times i wanted to wait but i was uncouncious when he did it. up to that day i did not see it like that, but after talking to her, she cried listening to me n when he came back i gave him his ring back n told him i would not marry him. We broke up in march 2008. We kept in touch, idk if its out of remorse or whatever it is but he was always so nice to me, so caring, i could n still can count on him whenever i need him. I never thought of telling the cops cuz i thought i was there by my own will, and everybody was going to think that 'what am i crying about when i looked for it to happen'
Anyway, i started dating a guy in november 2008, i told him what had happen, not detailed but he knew about it, after a year or so together i told him more details. I was actually able to have sex with him n the first time we did it i bled again as if i was losing my virginity again, everything i know, i learned with him, he is 'to me' my first, cuz the first time 'I' did it was with him, we been together ever since, we got married about year and a half ago we have a 3 year old n im expecting our second baby, he hasnt been the best husband, he has cheated n we separated for a month right after our wedding, so he hasnt been faithful when he is the only guy i have been with, kissed, dated, anything, i have been faithful to him 100% but now he says 'it was bad that i slept w him 3 months after we started dating' he was kind of trying to say that it was bad that i wasnt a virgin cuz we were watching the gypsies weddings n how they have to stay virgin till marriage, he wasnt that harsh with words but i felt like he was trying to say more, make me feel bad n diminish me for something i did not do. May b its hormones cuz of my pregnancy but i got really upset, it revived everything i went thru n i cried myself to sleep. I feel like hes trying to compare me to just anybody, n i do not deserve it cuz ive given him my all even after his mistakes. I feel like he does not think that it was a rape, or mayb its my mind after so many years still not over it. Sometimes i hate him, n i would like to go back in time n put him in jail, i did not mention this but i found some empty capsule caskets in the appartment, i looked up the picture n went to the pharmacies in town n it turned out to be anti depresants, so i knew that my ex had put the powder of anti depresants in those drinks, i mean i have no proof but i had been drunk by the time i found them n the way i felt when i was drunk did not compare to the way i was the night he did that to me, i was weak n my body did not respond at all, compared to being drunk its not the same.
I feel like i still need therapy or just advice to get over it, i wish i never told my husband cuz i feel like he sees me different, or like i said, he makes me feel guilty for what happened, just like my parents.