Horrible Breakup - Have confused feelings about an ex

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Hi Guys, first time doing this so bear with me. Sad

I just got out of a 3 year relationship with an amazing girl. We started dating back in high school (for two years) then I graduated and worked and waited for her to finish her last year. When she finished high school she got a job and car. Then one day (totally my mistake) She was texting trying to organise our plans for that next day...... I ignored the text's etc as I had just finished work and was too tired (not a valid excuse) . So the in the morning she text's me again I'm still in bed tired like anything. When i finally started to text back she all of a sudden started to say things like I love you but not as much as I use to etc etc. I was caught of guard didn't know what to say. Instead i blew up and started saying horrible things like " you just used me" etc etc.

Ever since then I have been trying to email her to get her to talk to me ... but she just ignores it? I did say the most stupidest thing that any guy could say... I had videos of us doing personal things and I said I would post them (which I would never think of doing) out of shear anger. I know its disgustingly wrong and sick but it just popped out and i totally regret it....

I know I sound like some ass of an ex, but i have done good deeds. She had a lot of family problems and I helped her get through with it.. Her brother use to beat her up etc when he was angry and she use to always be in tears. One day her mum was going to call the police to take her away after she found out she was texting me when she wasn't suppose to be. I made phone calls to family members to try and help her out because she was worth fighting for.. too many stories to state about me doing good stuff but i personally believe this post should be about my issues in terms of not thinking before saying hurtful things.

We went through an abortion back at high school and I could of just left her to do it alone.. But she meant the world to me that I would skip school with her to support her and remind her that everything is going to be OK. Of course getting her pregnant was by our actions but I know of a lot of teenage guys who would of left their gf to go by themselves.

Now my ex doesn't talk to me after I called her a "using whore" ( again stupid) after she made love to me one day then the next told me she has feelings for another guy at her work.....

I just want to know has anyone had such a complicated relationship like this and prevailed? Or even got back with their ex after a long period of time?

Feel free to judge me as I know i have problems.......

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[+3] - jespah - 03/16/2013The only thing I would add to this is consider writing her an apology letter. Not a text - I mean the kind where you buy a card and a stamp and a letter carrier actually brings it to her home....

@GC12345,

Hi GZ,
Sorry for all your troubles. Female troubles are something I have a great familiarity with. I'm 32 now. In my experience your first love is always the least logical love. I am not going to lie, it is hard to get over and you will never forget her.

Step 1. Delete the videos. You have already scared her (dumb move), but I can totally relate. We all say stupid things when we are hurt or angry. Having those videos is just too damn tempting. You are going to get sad, or lonely, or just plain horney. Then you will watch those videos and an emotional **** storm follows right behind it.

Step 2. Let her go. You both have been through a lot together. I am sure you have both learned a lot together... about life and consequences and how love feels. But you are not the same people you were when you got together. It sounds like she was looking for an excuse to end things. I don't think the missed text thing really had much to do with it. I have been there. You want to fight for her, win her back, prove that you're "good enough". It doesn't really have much to do with how good either of you are.

Step 3. Don't freak out. She is going to start seeing someone else. This in my experience is the hardest part. This is the main reason why step 1 is so important. You are going to be hurt, and you are going to be irrationally pissed at this guy. Don't try to take it out in him. It's not his fault and it makes you look like a douche bag. Don't jump into another relationship right away. If you do try to "replace" your girlfriend I can almost guarantee that the new relationship will go down in flames.

It takes usually 50% to 100% of the time you were together, before you fell like you are totally "over her". If you were together 3 years, that would be 1.5 to 3 years until you are "all better".
It's definitely worst the first month though, get through that...and everything gets way easier.
If you try to still see each other as "friends" during that first month you are just asking for trouble. (Like pulling a band-aid.
it hurts more the longer you pull).
Don't sleep together after you break up. Same band-aid thing only worse.

I know it sucks.
I look back at my first breakup and I am so glad that it happened.
I just wouldn't want to have to go through it again.
Life gets better.

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The only thing I would add to this is consider writing her an apology letter. Not a text - I mean the kind where you buy a card and a stamp and a letter carrier actually brings it to her home. Say you are sorry. Confirm that you have deleted the videos. And make it abundantly clear that you don't want anything.

The reason I am suggesting this is because this girl will really never know about the deletion unless she's told. The apology reiterates that you regret your words and your actions, and the part about that you don't want anything clarifies that you are apologizing and are not using this as a front to try to get back together.

And go out and do other things, productive things. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Go running. Write to your grandmother. Learn the oboe. Spend time with friends. Write bad poetry. Bake cookies. Whatever. What I am getting at is, doing positive, productive things, rather than dwelling on a breakup, is a way to get over that breakup and, in the meantime, do good works. It is very, very easy to get obsessive about these sorts of things. Doing something else will take your mind off it, at least for a short while and, when all is said and done, you can say that you accomplished something, and feel good about that.

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This is a very YOUNG relationship and both of you are acting very immature - which is not unusual given your ages.

Sounds like both of you were HALT - hungry, lonely, angry or tired.

You have been through a lot with this gal. I can't believe that you two can't sit down and talk this out - in person, face to face, calm and loving.

THEN - promise each other not to base your relationship on TEXTS!!

1 Reply

@jespah,

I agree with Jespah regarding the letter, and the positive activities to focus on.

I do want to emphasize, I do NOT think you should keep trying to get back together with her.

1 Reply

@GC12345,

My god a threat to released such personal materials you where trusted to have is as unforgivable as anything in the world can be in a relationship.

How in the hell could she trust you after such a threat and this is coming from a male viewpoint so you can multiply that by a hundred or more.

If I was you I would forget about her and take this as a lesson for how you should and should not behaved toward future female partners.

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@BillRM,

Yes most definitely. Trust will be absent between me and her for many years and probably will never be the same. Although (didnt put events in order of how they happened) this after she slept with me and then the next day told me she has feelings for another guy.

This is why I said it :

Monday: I had just stayed at hers on sunday. We had sex and she tells me she loves me but needs space in which I respected.

Tuesday: Starts playing tricks on me when we are talking when I asked "is there someone else ?" she kept replying "Maybe does it really matter?"

Wednesday: I go over to hers in the morning to pick up everything of mine etc. We go outside and she starts kissing me etc tell me she loves me but just needs time and hopes a "break" would fix us. Then that night she comes to my work and picks up a letter I made for her. In the letter I poured my heart out telling her things about the relationship which needs to change, and how we should sit down adn talk more often. She then kisses me and hugs me as if its the end of the world and says we can get back together I just need some space first, which i totally respect.

Thursday: I talk to her on facebook and she says she loves me etc.

Friday: I give her a quick phone call before I went out to hang with mates to see how she is. She sounded pissed off at me and I ask her if she wants to get back together. She all of a sudden says "I dont know.... I have enjoyed being single these last two days".

Confused and shocked that was when I said it because I had literally been played by someone who I thought shared a special bond with. Although what I said (like i stated in the post) " was disgustingly wrong and sick but it just popped out and i totally regret it" . It was just from a built up of confused feelings as well as false hope and being led on.

She had changed from the sweet chick a knew into one who just thought she was a bit too good for everyone else. People change and its something that i think i must personally understand.

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@MattDavis,

Cheers Matt,

Most definitely, Im getting into surfing and gym now with a mate from work. Is it normal for me wanting to chase someone who has obviously moved on in 1 week after breaking up? People are telling me its not worth it etc.... is it because I had gone through so much with her in my teen years that i became clingy to her? TBH she loved me more than i loved her in our years being together then all of a sudden she changed..

Should i just give up all hope of ever sharing a special bond with her again?

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Cheers Punkey,

I have been through a lot with this girls.. People said once i left high school I could of moved on but instead I waited for her and supported her etc. I just felt like I was 'used' in a way because I wait for her.. she then gets a job a car etc and then gets the idea she has just started in the big world and wants a new life.... and the best way to start is to get rid of me who we have both had a bumpy past together.

I wanted to chat face to face but she didn't want to talk to about. She would rather leave things burning instead of trying to put out the flames. Its always been her attitude towards things.

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@jespah,

cheers jespah,

hmmmmmm do you think she would view it the same? I have been writing long messages via facebook messages, explaining the good times etc and apologizing etc.

I guess its her birthday on the 20th. Might be a good way for her to feel free from me if she receives one more final card

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@GC12345,

Cheers GC

GC wrote:

Most definitely, Im getting into surfing and gym now with a mate from work.

That's great. Exercise is very helpful for reducing sadness and anger, plus it gets you in shape.

GC wrote:

Is it normal for me wanting to chase someone who has obviously moved on in 1 week after breaking up?

Yes that is perfectly normal!
Perfectly normal to want to do that.... but don't chase her.
If she wanted to be back together, you would know it.
As for why she is "moving on":
It is always easy to jump from one relationship into another one, but it doesn't work. You can't be happy with anyone, until you know how to be happy alone. Many people are afraid to be alone, or need validation from someone. If this is a problem for her, sadly it is not a problem that you are in a position to address. Write that letter that Jespah suggested. Make it clear you don't want to get back together, but mention that she is strong and you have every confidence that she will do well in life (even if you don't believe it). That is about as much as you can do for her (help her see her self-worth). But after the apology letter, no more contact, for at least a month. After that, only respond if she initiates it and you feel confident enough in your recovery to not think you are getting back together.

GC wrote:

People are telling me its not worth it etc.... is it because I had gone through so much with her in my teen years that i became clingy to her?

I don't really know if you were clingy or not.
It doesn't matter now though, because you are going to learn how to be happy as a single man.
Then when you are ready for a relationship, you will be prepared to have a healthy relationship.
You won't be clingy then, because then you won't need someone else. You will choose someone to share you life with.

GC wrote:

Should i just give up all hope of ever sharing a special bond with her again?

Things will never be the same.
I am truly sorry.
I am sorry that you have to go through this.
I am not sorry that you are going through it, however.
This needs to happen.
You are going to look back on this as an older wiser man and cherish the memories, but understand how this was one difficult step that made you the man you are.

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I do not know how the other older readers of this thread feel but for myself I am very happy that such male/female drama are many decades in my past.

Sometimes I wonder how any of us got pass those emotional and hormonal driven storms of our youths.

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@GC12345,

Don't send her a letter on her birthday!!!
Send the letter today, or wait until after her birthday.
Would you want to receive something that makes you cry on your birthday?

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@GC12345,

Print mail is just ... nice. It's very rare these days, to get anything in the mail that isn't a bill or an advertisement. It's going the extra mile.

Do not associate it with her birthday.

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@GC12345,

Hey guys,

overall thank you very much for the feed back and please do keep posting your opinions.

When I think about it now, it was definitely young love. First Love i heard is the hardest to get over at times. When I think about the up coming days to the end of our relationship.. I did feel used in a way. I felt as though she was ungrateful for all the things I had done for her. I didn't need to get involved with her family problems.. which I did.. because I'm to caring. Although I may never talk to her again I just hope she one day looks back on this relationship and releases that I did good things for her. Although many of you say done get back with her.. It will be hard to fight the urges of TRYING to get back with her.

In a way, I feel quite unclean and unwanted as she slept with me and then goes off and tells me she wants to be single and has fallen for another guy. Either way I will write her a letter and hopefully I will see her on the anniversary of the abortion , 13 September. Hopefully by then I will be a changed man in terms of having self respect but also greater respect for future partners. I'm not a bad dude... i just let anger get the better of me at times and words blurt out. I'll send her the letter in months time reason that I kinda called her a using whore two days ago and honestly sending her a letter apologising might confuse her in a way.

Cheers guys keep those opinions coming. feel much better talking about it instead of thinking about it.

Cheers, GC

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@GC12345,

You're getting there GC.

BTW, I don't think you should be friends on facebook, at least not for a while.
It is too tempting to want to "check up" on her.

This isn't easy. I can't take that pain away, but I can tell you, that I and almost every other person has felt very similar things.
It's good (in a way) that it hurts, that means you are capable of love.
That ability will serve you well in life, even though it means you will sometimes hurt.
In the same way that you will never forget her, she will never forget you.
Like I said before you will look back on this time in your life, someday and know you were better for having gone through it. The same goes for her.

That unclean feeling is also natural. You still feel used. Maybe she did use you for sex... can you imagine using someone for sex? Especially if that someone is someone you are already used to having sex with. She shouldn't have done that, but I think we can all imagine why she did. Some men would be flattered. That does not mean you should get back together though. (Remember the band-aid thing).

It really does get easier. There will be ups and downs, but on balance things will get steadily easier.
If you get those urges to start chasing after her... promise yourself you will talk to someone you trust first. Someone who can look at things more objectively without being swayed by hurt and longing.

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@GC12345,

Please don't try to get together on the anniversary of the abortion. I do understand why this date would be very emotional for you and your girlfriend, but it's possible a sea of remorse could propel the two of you to reconcile. Maybe you will reconcile, but it should be for positive reasons not regrets for something that can't be changed. Relashionship built on guilt or regret will make both of you miserable. I'm sure you are tired of hearing this, but as dire as the situation seems right now, it really does get better. You're still very young with your entire life ahead of you, give yourself some space and time to enjoy it.

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Horrible Breakup - Have confused feelings about an ex

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