Just findin out he has a baby

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My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for some time now, although not the longest of relationships, we are extremely serious. About 2 years ago he was just starting college, didn't know me nor did I know him, and he was talking to this girl, hooked up with her and the condom so happened to break. They split ways, only talking for a month or so if that, never dating, and she became pregnant. Before this hookup, she had been dating this other guy and was then with this other guy afterwards. Figuring he was the Dad..that's how it went. So now 2 years later she wants a DNA test from MY boyfriend. He found out that it was his while we were together. Obviously this is a huge shock to both of us, but why now? Why when this child is now 1 1/2 turning 2 within months. So now my life and OUR life together has been flipped upside down, and I feel as if I'm already in this serious relationship and feel so in love with each other, and now all the sudden I have to accept this other life.
Not too sure what to do or how to feel...
I feel that if I were walking into this relationship knowing he had a kid, circumstances would be different.
Any suggestions?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 6 • Views: 849 • Replies: 14

@college123,

Why now? Because her fellow is denying paternity, or the baby needs new shoes and they need to see if someone else will be on the hook, or whatever. It kinda doesn't matter; it's just happening.

He should take the test. If he has won the genetics sweepstakes, he needs to pony up funds, yes, but he also has rights in the matter, and this would be his child. If he is not the father, then you will know, the proof will be incontrovertible and the mother will not be able to bother him again.

It is, more or less, a win-win for him to take the test.

1 Reply

@jespah,

He did take the DNA test and it is his..

1 Reply

@college123,

And on top of it he plays professional ball, making quite a bit of money although she is not asking for any money at the time. But I feel as if it is coming sometime down the line.

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So, what does she want? Support? Him to accept some responsibility to the child (visitations, etc.) ? Get back with your boyfriend? She has waited a long time to get this DNA testing done. Very suspicious . . .

You don't say how close they live to you two.

You can be supportive by just being quiet and waiting for any legal obligations to be finalized, then your boyfriend may want to step up as a birth-father - or not.

In any case, he should contact a lawyer soon. (did he even know she was pregnant?)

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

She says she just wants their son to have a father and to be involved. She has also said that she has no interest in getting back with him nor does she want to interfere with our relationship, yet I will keep me guard up on that one! Although I do trust him, I do not trust her.

She lives about an hour and a half from us.

He does want to be involved in his life, and I am involved too.

He was aware that she was pregnant but both thought that it was with the other boyfriend since they were just a hook up and he was using protection.

3 Replies

@college123,

It sounds as if she truly did think it was the guy she was dating. I suspect now that the baby is a little older, he has questioned whether he is the Father or not and has etablished that he is not. Hense, her request for your boyfriend to have the DNA test.

For all you know she could be telling the truth. She could purely want her child to know her Father. You say that both of you intend to be in this childs life, good. It's not the child's fault and children should always feel loved and wanted by their parents, regardless of whether they are together or with different partners.

It may very well be later down the track that she asks for assistance, your boyfriend could do the right thing and offer it now, meaning, some clothes and things a baby needs. You could establish that she even says "no thank you".

You can only speculate what her intentions are, but you can give her the benefit of the doubt and allow this little one to just be happy amongst his Mum and amongst his Dad and you.

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@college123,

Set some boundries for her. No being together alone, no being together without you knowing, etc.
See if she obeys those boundries, and lay out the consequenses if she doesn't.

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@college123,

That's fine, but doesn't mean she won't change her mind as circumstances change. He should get the test.

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@amy37,

I definitely want to set some boudaries with her and I think that is the most important! Because in the big scheme of things I was in my boyfriends life before he found out about his child.

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@college123,

Get real! You can't set "boundaries" for for a grown woman.

You can TRY to set them with your boyfriend.

My advice: If you love this man, accept his past and his child.

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@college123,

college123 wrote:

Because in the big scheme of things I was in my boyfriends life before he found out about his child.

In the big scheme of things your boyfriend is a father and that is most important.

Be supportive as he adjusts to it.

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@college123,

for those who have missed this point

college123 wrote:

He did take the DNA test and it is his..

by the way - consider at least referring to the child by gender, instead of as it

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@college123,

college123 wrote:

I feel that if I were walking into this relationship knowing he had a kid, circumstances would be different.

would you have not entered a relationship with this guy you love if you'd known he is a parent?

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@college123,

college123 wrote:

Why when this child is now 1 1/2 turning 2 within months.

does it matter why?

if it matters, ask

there are so many reasons that the question of paternity might have come up. As the child got older it might have been obvious that s/he resembled your boyfriend. There might have been some kind of health problem that led to the question/discovery. Ask.

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Just findin out he has a baby

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