So close to cheating and family crisis...leave him alone?

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Hello everyone, I need your advice... I am the other woman. I am in love with a man who is in relationship with his girlfriend for ten years now. They have two children (4 & 1) but they are not married. They live together in the house he built himself and he will be paying for it for next ten years. She is at home with children and support family from her maternity leave. He doesnt love her ( from all I know) but he take care of her and is nice to her and really loves his children. We have "relationship" for nearly a year now, including great chemistry and understanding. He visits me or we meet at our neighbors house few times a week. He helps me repair our family house and do all hard chores. I cook for him and we spend time eating, talking, laughing, drinking coffee together or just sharing what's new. We exchange some small presents when there is some occassion and support each other. He is here for me nearly all the time I need him. His older son loves me and I love him. They sometimes visit me on weekends and we spend time together. He loves that and make plans for the future trips we will take with his son. He says that in the same minute she dumps him, he want me to come to live with him. He says if he is not in this relationship, he would marry me immediatelly. He says he feel great with me, he feels really at home in our house. I know he wants me but he doesn't want to cheat on her. We touch each other all time but not more. We share interests and feel happy and safe together. However, there is the other side of that. My family doesn't really approve. They like him but they don't approve his behaviour. He can't or doesn't really try to hide his feeling towards me in front of other people. I feel frustrated because of the arguments I have with my family, because I want him to be with me all time and because I feel bad about the situation and his girlfriend. She knows about me but she trust him because he has not cheated on her before. I want him ( sex, life with him, everything) but I don't want to destroy his life. Please, help me. What should I do? Leave him alone ( i am not sure if he let me)? Is there a chance that he will leave her? Or I am just one of thousands naive girls? I've decided ... I want him despite all the troubles, I want to take care of him and his sons, love him and live with him... But only when he will be free...I can wait some time...but I need to know if it is possible that he will leave her...It's getting harder and harder every day...my family is more and more angry, his girlfriend surely too, we get used to each other more and more and we get attracted to each other more and more... I am affraid that it will end badly soon. Please, what's your opinion?

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@Belissa,

Belissa wrote:

....Please, help me. What should I do? Leave him alone ( i am not sure if he let me)? I...

You are a grown, free woman. No man should let you do anything - you don't have to look to anyone for permission.

And he's involving his kids in this and the girlfriend knows, and she is keeping him around, for whatever her reasons are, whether they are financial security, or to save face or maybe they both have affairs or it's an open marriage or she's dumb or whatever.

In the meantime, he comes over and has coffee with you and I assume occasional nookie and sometimes brings his kids, too.

You do not have a relationship; you are a friendly café and reading room where occasionally sex happens.

This is an awesome relationship.

For him.

He gets his family and he gets his side fun. He can promise you anything and you believe him - and you also seem to be somewhat subservient.

This is just ducky for him.

He will never leave her. Here's why.
1) He'd have to start paying some form of support, and would be supporting two separate households. That is expensive.
2) He might be considered common-law married to her (it depends on the state and other factors). If that's the case, then he'd need to go through court proceedings and could lose custody of his children. By involving his kids with you, he may very well have neatly proven his unfitness to be a parent.
3) Even if he can get partial custody, that's what it'll be - partial. He will see a lot less of his children, and I bet he doesn't want that.
4) He already didn't marry this gal. You think he's gonna marry you?
5) He's already proven that he will cheat. You think his cheating days are over? Think again.

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@Belissa,

Belissa wrote:

I want to take care of him and his sons

his sons already have a mother. That's not your place.

Personally, I think people should finish one relationship before starting another.

If you were a friend of mine I'd tell you to tell the guy to go away and to come back once he's no longer in a relationship.

(what makes him think he'll have a house to bring you to when/if she dumps him? there's a good chance it'll either end up her house or they'll have to sell it and split the proceeds)

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I have a hard time wondering why so many women feel they should be content with crumbs. The gal who asked the question should ask herself "are the children she believes love her and she loves, actually ready to dump their mom?" Probably not, they love their mother. Mom might be kind of a buzz kill right now, because their dear old dad treats her with less respect than a doormat. So a visit to daddy's squeeze might seem like fun because squeeze wants so desperately to win. If she does "win" what does she win? Not much really. She's involved with an attention junkie and he will always be looking for a distraction from reality.

You do not win anything and its not a victory. He is stringing you along, and every time he stops by you think it's because he really prefers you. Don't kid yourself, and don't settle. If he was around full time, he might not seem as special as you think he is.

This might seem like bitter talk, I just want women and men to expect a little bit more out of life than being the side attraction.

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@ehBeth,

To take care of somebody doesnt mean I want to replace their mom.
I' ve tell him that already. So we are just "friends" now but it is hard to keep it that way.
They are not married and house is only his.

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@Belissa,

Depending on the jurisdiction being together for a decade and having means they are common-law spouses and she will have legal rights to the house as if they had gone through a wedding ceremony.

For example, in Canada, 3 years living together and/or having a child together means a couple is married.

If she has not been working for the last couple of years she may be entitled to spousal as well as child support. He may be required to maintain her in a house as she and the children have become accustomed.

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@jespah,

I mean by that he will not make it easy for me to let me go.
We dont sleep together... We both want it but we decide not to do it...
We disscuss all of it... They are not married, he will get partial custody and must pay support here. He says it would be hard but we can do it. He mentions he would like to marry me very often...and he knows he doesnt need to say it to convince me because I had some commitment issues and to be honest I dint think about marriage at all before I met him.

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@ehBeth,

We have already check the law issues here. I am from europe.

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@glitterbag,

Once again... I dont expect any children to dump their mom...that you love somebody doesnt mean you dump everyone else in your life...especially your parents... I have mom too and I love her more than anything... That doesnt mean I dont have any other woman who I dearly love in my life...
And that he fell in love with someone else does not mean he treat her as a doormat... That is just stereotype... Whatever will hapen between us... She will be always his family... He knows and I know it too...once children are involved there is no other choice...
We dont spend typical "happy" time together... We work together very hard, we get both tired and angry... So i at least know a little what to expect in the bad times...i would say that he has much more trouble and hard life with me than with her...

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@Belissa,

Quote:

He says that in the same minute she dumps him, he want me to come to live with him. He says if he is not in this relationship, he would marry me immediatelly.

If he wants out of the relationship, he need only walk away. If it is so bad for him, why doesn't he simply leave and move in with you? As you state, he is not married so there should be nothing keeping him with her.

You are being used. Get rid of him.

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Let's go over the facts:
He is not married.
He has two children with woman A and they all live in his house - all together.
He is providing the home for A and children and appears to be financially responsible to A and the kids and to the house - which he owns.
He starts up a sex-less relationship with woman B
He claims A understands that he will not "cheat" i.e. have sex with any other woman.
He does work around B house.
B's family does not like the behavior of this guy.

Conclusion: B is in a fantasy world. This man is not available and has commitments that he has to work out.

I agree with your family: I don't like his behavior and he is not a man of character. UNLESS he will marry you and move in with you - or set up this woman in another home with the kids.

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@Belissa,

hehehe,,, face palm,,, faaaaaaaacee paaaaaallllm,,face palm.he's doing the same as i suspect my misses( GF of 13+years) of doing,,, having his cake and eating it too!
hell i'd love to have that going on ,, sans the issues in the back ground.
the C/S on those 2 kids is going to be a minimum of 800 ranging up to 1400+ and thats on a less than 20 an hour wage. supporting 2 houses is expensive,, been there done that.
he is most likely not going to toss her under the buss,, time and kids ='s investment. you just don't dump an investment unless you have good reason, and it may be you that is the cause of tension in their relationship.

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@Belissa,

A cheater is a cheater. If he cheats on her, he will most likely cheat on you.
And where he hasn't 'cheated' on her yet. he has is spirit. That's something to consider.

He also sounds like he has alot of baggage.
As much as it hurts, this situation is too messy to get into and walk out of without a ton of mess.

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@Belissa,

Wow, talk about a sticky situation with him. Well props to you not hooking up with him. Although your feelings for him are out of your control, you have to ask yourself this:

If he really truly loves me and not his girlfriend then why is he still with her?

I'm not saying he doesn't love you and that you have no real chemistry but the fact is he is officially with his girlfriend and not you. And what makes this situation particularly difficult is that there are kids involved. It could be a possibility that he's hesitant to break up with you because he would feel guilty about breaking up his family when his kids are so young.

Ultimately, this guy to an extent is being unfair to his girlfriend for still being in a relationship with her and have you on the side, and he is being also unfair to you by stringing you along and giving you mixed messages about his deep feelings towards you but at the same time, continues to be with his girlfriend.

If you really love the guy, I would talk to him and ask where you guys lie and if he's truly serious of his love for you. Tell him how unfair it is that he says how much he loves you but will still continue to be with his girlfriend; hence giving you false hope. If he truly does love you, he would want to be with you, but if he still continues to be with his girlfriend, then frankly, it's not worth your time and all it's going to do is cause more family drama, drama in his relationship and family, and more hurt and heartache for you.

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I would keep in mind that the children may not like seeing their mother being hurt by their father. I don't think the kids will dump their Dad, but once the entire situation becomes clear to them, they may not see you in a favorable light. Often replacement girlfriends begin to resent the children when the children show any disapproval toward the replacement. You can't expect young children to be over the moon giddy because daddy has a new soulmate. They may think you are wonderful eventually, but unless their mother is a total nightmare it will take a long time.

I imagine you are single, and I think it is a waste of your time and affection to pin your hopes to a man with obligations he is unwilling to sever. Even worse, why would you want a man who walks away from his children? I know, I know, he's a great father and he, his girlfriend, you and the children will find happiness....but do you really want to build a life with someone so dishonest with the mother of his children.

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So close to cheating and family crisis...leave him alone?

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