Tomorrow is the Pope's last day...

We don't have to contribute for some phony gift, do we?

hes gotta clean out his locker and return his little red shoes

I hear we're all goin' to karaoke tonight, and he's gonna belt out Take this Job and Shove It.

In the original Latin.

hes gotta clean out his locker and return his little red shoes

A FOUR-LETTER outburst from the Pope stunned 100,000 pilgrims who had packed into St Peter's Square, Rome on Sunday. Making a rare public appearance, the 85 year-old Pontiff appeared tired and unsteady on his feet as he addressed the crowd from a Vatican balcony.
Slurring his words and holding onto a rail for support, John Paul II amazed onlookers by opening his traditional Summer address with a tirade of abuse directed at the central tenets of the Christian faith. Shocked catholics in the crowd were horrified to hear the holy father:

DISMISS the New Testament as a "parcel of ******* shite"
CONDEMN believers as "a load of cockwits"
and SLAM the resurrection as "a right load of old bollocks"
speech
Two minutes into the controversial speech the bemused crowd watched as a pair of cardinals appeared on the balcony and attempted to wrestle the microphone out of his hands. A short and unseemly scuffle ensued, during which the Pope was seen to strike out repeatedly, breaking one of the cardinals' glasses before being dragged back inside the Vatican.

However, apparently determined to continue his contentious address he reappeared seconds later, shouting incoherently, jabbing his finger and shaking his fist aggressively at the startled crowd. Climbing up onto a stone balustrade, he raised his cassock and appeared to be about to urinate until he was manhandled to the ground by several burly members of the Swiss Guard.

hypno
The Pope was then taken in a headlock from the balcony whilst Italian police moved into St Peter's Square and began dispersing the crowd.

Journalists were summoned to the Vatican for a press conference on Monday afternoon. A frail-looking and clearly uncomfortable Pope sat silently in dark glasses, taking occasional sips from a tin of Irn Bru whilst a Cardinal read from a prepared statement.
psycho
Reporters were told: "It has come to our attention that during yesterday's papal announcement there was a fault in the public address system which led to many of the Pope's words getting mixed up in the machinery and coming out of the speakers in the wrong order.

frenzy
"We have been assured by Vatican engineers that the fault will not recur, and the Pontiff's next speech will appear with all the words in the correct order."

This is not the first time that a papal address has led to controversy. During his Easter Sunday mass at St Peter's Basilica, a problem with the acoustics was blamed for John Paul II apparently suggesting that the Virgin Mary could perform a sex act upon him before stumbling from the lecturn and vomiting onto the floor.