Married young, want ex, have a child, etc.

Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 02:24 am
Let me make a point of saying that I consider myself a polygamist. I would appreciate if you respect that aspect of my sexuality as you would homosexuality or the like.

I know this is a pretty common problem. "I am married, but still think of my ex" etc. etc. but please look at it through my individual lens before passing your sentence.

When I was a young kid, 19, I was involved with a very young girl, 16, and ended up going through a lot of legal difficulties over her age, in all of which I prevailed. After this the girl became the legal age of 17 where we lived and I worked things out with her family, so that they were accepting, at-least somewhat, of our relationship. At this point, she had moved from where we grew up to New York with her father. We had a long-distance relationship for a time, but I am a jerk and my insecurities ruined that relationship. I said some.... hurtful.. things in an email and scared her away.

I chased her for a bit, but when she didn't respond by welcoming me back, I became pissed off and gave up on her. Eventually, she contacted me and it was clear that she still had feelings for me. I was still upset that she hadn't accepted my previous pursuance of her, which was very out of character for me who normally is the chased not the chaser, and felt that I couldn't trust her to pursue me if I had another bought of immaturity and pushed her away again, which I knew I would 'cause it's a pattern for me.

Well, we kept in sporadic contact over the years and would just lead each other on, saying things like "I haven't found anyone who made me feel the way you did" or "I miss how things were back then", etc..

Now, let me paint a picture of how things actually were with us when we were together. We would talk for hours on end and share our ideas and philosophy. We would hold each other when together and it felt so natural. Everything was just really great. Well, except for when I was a jerk which would happen every so often, but was not the norm. To put it simply, we clicked. We really, really clicked.

Now fast-forward to three or four years after our relationship ended. I was, still am, living abroad and started a relationship with a girl here. This girl and I are compatible in the sense that neither of us are terribly eager to end a relationship, but we definitely never clicked in the normal young love "this is the one I will spend forever with" sense. At-least, I never did and never felt she did.

Here's the twist, I decided that I had had enough beating around the bush and would end my relationship with this new girl and tell the ex how I felt. Tell her "Hey, I still love you, we broke apart over my stupidity and it was a mistake. I've always wanted you, but have been too damned scared to say it till now. Come to me, let's make this work. I know you feel the same." So, that is exactly what I did. Then, the next day, before telling the new girl my decision, she tells me that she thinks she is pregnant. We go get checked that afternoon and, sure-enough, she is. Da fuq, right?

Being the family-oriented man that I am, I tell her to keep the baby and that we should get married. Well, that's what we did. Now, my ex would contact me every so often after that and when she would it was overwhelming. I mean, this was the girl that I had wanted to spend my life with. She went as far as to tell me that in her heart, I was home. Wtf, amirite? This was terribly painful for myself to endure. Eventually, I told the girl to gtfo of my life 'cause she was was too much of a stress-source.

Well, last-night I had a dream of being back on the island and her coming to my window to pull me away into the night to spend hours sharing and thinking together. In the dream, I was so happy. It was the feeling that I had forgotten, it was the feeling that she used to give me. In the dream, I eventually realized that it couldn't possibly be real and I told her goodbye and woke myself up, weird right. Then, the entire morning I spent wanting to text her, which I know would just re-immerse me into that mindset of wanting her again.

When I don't speak to her, I forget her... she leaves my mind and I don't reminisce. This dream brought her back in and today I am on a memory trip thinking of her. Last night, I had an argument with my wife over how she is too distant and cold. I know it is who she is, it is who she has always been and I shouldn't and can't expect that to change. I need someone to be crazy about me though. I really need someone to want me in the way that that girl used to want me.

What I'd really like is to have them both, keep my family and add my ex as an additional wife. Please, do not jump on me for being a pig or something. I am most definitely not. I am a giving husband, father and lover. I couldn't bear to break apart my family. I am just not sure that I can bare this absence that I feel from my wife.... that I know this girl would fill. I told my wife from the beginning that I was a polygamist and was natural inclined to have multiple partners, I always have. I would not consider myself a cheater, as I am forthright about my actions. The problem is that I didn't fall in love with anyone else during the early stages of my relationship with my wife and for me to add an additional lover at this point would probably feel like a betrayal to her. Plus, while I was with another girl while I was with my ex, at this point it would probably be hard to get her into this relation, considering that I am married and have a child. She would probably feel dirty or that she was some third party destroying our marriage.

I do not want to stir drama, especially with my son now being involved. I would say that if I did decide to earnestly pursue having them both, I would have a 50% chance of success. But damn, it would really be an emotional transition and there would just be so much heartache for everyone involved that I am hesitant to even try. It is just, I know that is what would make me happy.

Come tomorrow or the day after, this girl will be out of my mind again and the only problem will be the emptiness I feel from some absence whose origin I prefer not think about. I don't know why I am even posting this, it's not really a question. At-least, if it is, I don't even know what I am asking. I am just young, confused.

Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 07:18 am
Ok, so the way I read this is basically, you got married, were happy, had a dream about an ex, and now you want to possibly screw up your marriage because you think it would be cool to have two women in your life at the same time? You've already told the ex to stay out of your life, right. And now you are seriously thinking of asking her to move to you and become a threesome? If the ex even thinks about coming anywhere near you, then she is certifiably nuts.

Here is a novel idea you might want to try. Be happy with what you have.
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 07:59 am
No, you are twisting the sexual aspect of it to fit your sexuality and not mine. I lost my virginity in a multi-partner relationship and have more or less been in them since. This happened without me intending as such, it was...natural. In any case, it is not something "cool" in my opinion. All I seek is personal happiness and fulfillment. I am a bit like a muslim or a mormon in my view of marriage, well, in some regards I am.

Also, it is not that I had a dream about an ex and now wish to hurt my relationship. The problem is that whenever the thought of this particular ex enters my life, it plays havoc on my emotions. The problem is not that this was a singular experience that has thrown me in a loop, but rather that it is recurrent and makes me question my true desires in life.

And finally, no, I am not thinking of asking anyone to move to me and be in a polyamorous relationship. The idea is absurd and lacks any tact. Obviously, if I were to attempt to make that outcome, I would have to be far more discreet and intelligent in my moves towards it than just bluntly suggesting something so..... unconventional. I am not a nut, I am polygamous... come on, give me the benefit of the doubt.

As a side note, my wife has said that she could imagine herself being accepting of me having side flings with other woman, but not of it being a part of our life together. I do not consider myself a "playboy" or anything like that. Sex is near last on my list of priorities and a pointless fling is not anything I would desire.

And one more thing, your novel idea is nothing more than a sound bite. "Be happy with what you have. " Maybe someone should have said that to the women denied suffrage, or the blacks in slavery, or perhaps the gays should have been told as such, right? That was all sarcasm, in-case you could not tell. I am who I am and I feel what I feel. If you can not accept my sexuality, do no respond. I did put a disclaimer at the top and bottom of my post.


"Come tomorrow or the day after, this girl will be out of my mind again and the only problem will be the emptiness I feel from some absence whose origin I prefer not think about. I don't know why I am even posting this, it's not really a question. At-least, if it is, I don't even know what I am asking. I am just young, confused."

made it pretty clear of what I am thinking of doing, which is exactly nothing. I will let the feeling pass, as I have so many times before.
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Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 10:07 am
If the feeling is just going to pass then, well, why not just do nothing? After all, it's worked so far.

It was a dream. Hell, last night I dreamt of alien abductions in the town I grew up in. This does not mean it would be a good idea for ET to phone home. It just means I've got an active subconscious imagination. And so do you.

As for your wife, erm, well, to my mind she's being accepting but does not want you to get into a situation where you would develop feelings for another. Under that condition, this ex would be out anyway, yes?

So forget about the ex as that's not gonna happen. And take other lovers if you wish, if they fit in with your wife's requirements - unless her feelings are of no consequence to you and/or your marriage doesn't matter. But do try to at least shield your son a bit from this stuff. He is in this situation because of an oops, right? Maybe don't compound that with putting him the center of any of this.
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 12:39 pm
I think you are not happy with your wife and you are looking for "permission" to have something on the side.

Your post is full of little comments about how your wife is distant and apathetic about your relationship.

Sso . . . your mind wanders back to a love from the past and you long for that kind of intimacy. You want the present family and the past, too.

No advice here. Just observing.

Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 04:12 am
You are absolutely right about my son. I would never want to hurt his life over things like this. I will be a father to him and will be a dad who can understand him and be there for him. I'm not going to make him grow up without a male figure that can understand him. I feel I missed out on so much guidance by not having my dad around.

My wife's feelings definitely matter to me as well. I'm actually a pretty sensitive guy, I have a hard time doing something that I know hurts another. The idea of breaking her heart is probably more than enough to keep me from ever breaking things off, even if I was sure I would be happier without her.

I mean... I couldn't be happy without her, knowing that she was unhappy without me.

I somewhat doubt her sincerity in saying she'd be understanding of a fling, in any event. Just today, we went to get both of our hair cut at a salon. The girl shampooing me started to give me a neck and back massage, I assume it was part of the package, and my wife walked in and was like "WTF is this" before taking our son and storming off. If she can't accept a massage, how could she accept anything more intimate?

In any event, sex isn't what I feel is missing from my life.
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Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 04:19 am
Yeah, more or less that is it. Though, she isn't truly apathetic. She cares about our relationship deeply.

It is just, have you ever been in a serious relationship with an East Asian? They are very pragmatic. The way that she cares about the relationship isn't like the way we feel about relationships. It isn't that she doesn't care, I know she does. The problem is that *emotionally* I don't register that care from her. The signals that she sends out that she cares aren't the ones I'm wired to pick up.

But yeah, I want it all. I just don't think it would be practical to try for it.
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