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Sun 27 Jan, 2013 10:07 am
Hello! I am new in the forum... I was hoping someone could help me find a solution to this sexual problem I am facing.
I am a 25 yo female and have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We recently started living together and everything is great, but sex. I have never been so frustrated in my entire life about sex.
The thing is that my boyfriend just cares about himself during intercourse. I feel as if I were just an object for his pleasure. As an example: I always do oral to him, masturbate him and all kinds of foreplay before sex. I always do all the work, while he NEVER touches me, neither he does oral to me. Nothing.
He believes sex is just about himself, and ignores that it is an exchange of value among both of the lovers. I have talked to him MULTIPLE TIMES about it and he just doesn't care. He has seen me sad about it too, but he refuses to change his behavior.
Now, just so you know a little more about myself - I think I am a very healthy person (I eat healthy, I don't smoke, etc). I am also a very clean person (shower twice a day, etc). I think I am fairly attractive (redhead, slender, green eyes..) , but my boyfriend doesn't care about any of that. He watches porn and masturbates all day while I am at work (because he doesn't work), and when I come home he doesn't even seem interested on me. Actually, no - he is only interested in me doing oral sex to him.
I am getting tired of the situation, and this might be a deal breaker for me. I hate it. I have had multiple lovers in my life, and gets lot of male attention. Since the situation is what it is, I am afraid I might end up cheating on him. I am always a very honest person, so I am concerned about having the temptation of sleeping with other people.
I thought that if I refused to have sex with him at all he would change, so I did it and his response was just not having sex with me, and just continuing to watch porn. So, that didn't work either. I am desperate. I don't know what to do.
I love him, so I don't want to break up with him, but the situation is getting ugly. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life this way.
I would enormously appreciate an advice.
Thank you,
- Sophie.
I'm wondering why you've put up with this bullshit for so long.
@jespah,
Well, I am trying to look for an alternative solution instead of just end up with the relationship. As I said, everything else is just great - but sex is beyond frustrating. Any ideas? I've been squishing my brain but nothing
@Sophie88,
Not really sure what you are here for, Sophie. There are no magicians here.
You wrote:
Quote:I am getting tired of the situation, and this might be a deal breaker for me. I hate it.
The only thing anyone here is going to say is: Why the "might?"
You wrote:
Quote:I think I am fairly attractive (redhead, slender, green eyes..)
I have had multiple lovers in my life, and gets lot of male attention.
You asked for advice:
Drop this guy today...not tomorrow. Tomorrow start looking for someone human....who will treat you as a fellow human.
@Sophie88,
But it's not. You admitted yourself that he didn't respond even when you essentially went on strike. Instead, he redoubled his porn watching.
He is unwilling to compromise in a rather basic area. I am not saying that sex between people is always a perfect, glorious, mystical experience. It can, at times, be uneven. But people learn to smooth it out, and if they are considerate, then they are troubled when someone in the partnership is unhappy.
He is not troubled by your frustrations. He isn't listening. He isn't compromising. Hell, he isn't trying at all.
I hope he tries in other areas, and he compromises, and he listens, etc. But even if he does, when will his attitude about sexual relations between you begin to spill over into his attitude about other things?
@Frank Apisa,
Well, I do love him because of other good qualities he has outside sex....
@jespah,
Well, yes. I get really mean to him in other areas, when I am so frustrated about sex. I know it's unfair, but that's just the way I feel: pissed at him. I would imagine that at some point, this can completely destroy our relationship because the living environment won't be as good anymore. Sigh.
@Sophie88,
Quote:Re: Frank Apisa (Post 5237574)
Well, I do love him because of other good qualities he has outside sex....
Wonderful.
Name several so we can feel good about you sticking with him.
@Sophie88,
Most couples argue and break up over sex or money. Obviously the sex is a problem. Unless he is independently wealthy it looks like money has the same problem sex does. He is willing to let you do all the work.
I think you need to take this to heart and quickly.
Quote:I am not willing to spend the rest of my life this way.
@Frank Apisa,
Ok. So, for example: when I was struggling without a job, he helped me out, he has always been behind me when I had problems and had nobody else to get hold of. He is always telling me how much he loves me.When I am too busy at work, he sometimes does things to help me : like going grocery shopping, or doing laundry or even cleaning. He also helps me when I have trouble on my homework and explains things to me patiently.
It's just that he stinks at sex, and that's probably the only one time that I don't feel fairly treated. I asked him if he just doesn't like me too much, and he said I am the most beautiful woman he's been with. I know many boyfriends say that to their girls lol, but anyways.... I just don't understand why when it comes to sex he does nothing at all. Every once in a while would be ok, but every single day is just too much for me. He could do something about it... and not be so lazy!
@parados,
Well, that makes perfect sense Parados. I am currently the only one who works. And, that scares me to death.
@Sophie88,
Maybe you should stop doing all that stuff for him and just lay there and see how he likes it.
Can you tell me what qualities you "love" about him?
So far, you have listed things a warm puppy and an errand boy could do.
Hi Sophie
Seems like a standard case of a Rut after your 1st year together he is found himself in a comfy position where he is looked after gets exactly what he wants and needs in the bedroom while you go out and work, and get nothing back in return.
WIN WIN (HIM) OVER LOSE LOSE (YOU)
I would suggest firstly and most importantly talking to him about all of this in person. maybe he just isn't realising how much this is affecting you on more than a sexual level. People may say sex is only an aspect of a relationship but if its not working then neither is the rest of the relationship.
From what i can tell you take pride in your appearance so i very much doubt this is the reason why, try getting more vocal with him during sex so if your giving him a BJ make him 69 you if he moans or wont stop with the BJ.
Tough love, cause despite him telling you how much he loves you and does your shopping don't seem to be really making you happy.
Hope this helps
@SyrisKnows,
Thank you SyrisKnows. It has been the most insightful reply. I will definitely try that and see how it works.
@Sophie88,
I would dump him in a heartbeat. He just cares about getting off and also it is not healthy having to watch porn especially while you have a girlfriend. He sounds like a loser.
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