Thu 3 Jan, 2013 02:23 am
I'm 29 years old and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together for 7 years. At first everything was great and as with most new relationships, we had sex a lot. As the newness wore off, we had sex less, but what we had was still satisfying and frequent enough to not be a problem.
However, over the past few years our sex life has drastically gone downhill and we only have sex 3 or 4 times a year. We started out being very open-minded and open to all kinds of experimentation. As the frequency decreased, the sex itself became somewhat boring and predictable too as he didn't seem interested in doing much. He also barely kisses me or hugs me anymore. He's always had a lower sex drive, but I've been understanding and let him know that it's not what we do in the bedroom, just that we have some kind of intimacy that's satisfying to both of us.
I've tried a number of things. In the past we've used toys, lingerie, different positions, new locations, porn, role-playing, and have just talked and held each other with no expectation of sex, just trying to be close. He has gone to the doctor to see if it's a physical problem, and he was supposedly fine. I've tried to discuss if there's anything I can do differently, if there's something new he'd like to try, if he's depressed or stressed from work, if he's not attracted to me, if we've fallen out of love with each other, and even if he might be gay. (Obviously not all at once!) I also don't believe he's cheating. We generally don't talk much anymore and are in separate rooms, but he's always at home and doesn't leave or have people in.
He's responded that I wasn't being aggressive enough and should initiate sex more, which I tried to do. Then he claimed I was too aggressive for him. I tried to find a middle ground that he was happy with. Then more excuses started. He was too tired, he wasn't in the mood, he had indigestion, he had to go to the bathroom, he wanted to take a shower and shave first, etc, etc, etc.
Long story short, we're now at the point that we basically just masturbate alone to porn rather than even try to have sex. I feel like I've given up making any attempts with him because I'm tired of being rejected. I consider myself attractive and still find him attractive too, but the constant blows to my self esteem make it hard to keep trying to initiate anything. And I'm angry at him for making me feel rejected and unattractive and like it's 'wrong' for me to want sex.
The problem is I know this situation isn't normal but am now so hurt and emotional over the whole thing that I don't even know where to start. I've suggested counseling and trying different things to reconnect but we still haven't gone and end up back in the same situation again and again.
Am I ridiculous for even trying to make this work anymore? He's a wonderful man in many respects and we have a long history together, but if there's no emotional or physical connection I'm not sure what the point is anymore. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on what's worked for them or should my boyfriend and I just part as the friends and roommates we've become?
This was hard to share so thank you in advance for the help.
@Confused and Sad,
My two cents is, that does not mean he does not love you or at least 'need' you in his life, maybe it all falls apart for him if you are gone.
Is it really that important?.
It is rare we hear about these fellas because they keep it in, but there are more than you realize, perhaps if you somehow appeal to him in a new and subtle way gradually over time, without pondering or putting forward notions of sex, he might gently pounce in reminder of the past and who you are?
Just a thought.
It could be he feels a bit less of a man, with the lower libido and it shatters his care to will the point into being.
I do not expect I have answered this question, but thought I would have a say, I am a bit like him myself. The libido part is really ultimately curable only by pure will and system, unless it is medically a condition.
Best wishes.
@Confused and Sad,
Er, why are you two still together?
I am seeing nothing about love, making each other laugh, being there for each other, etc. And I don't mean how things were in the beginning; I mean now.
I am not saying that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but if the parties are not on the same page, that's a red flag. But an even more enormous red flag is that you are masturbating in separate rooms and are not engaging each other at all anymore.
That's not a relationship; that's roommates who kiss.
Neither of you are getting any younger, and it's not like this all just happened last Thursday. You've been dealing with it for a few years!
Get counseling, if you like, and if you think it will do any good, but I think you can stick a fork in this relationship.
@jespah,
Well after reading all that has been put forward I think you might skip the trip to the therapy and just read this topic together?.
Seems cheaper, you might discuss a point you have not raised?.
What Jespah said about the separate rooms makes it seem like you have been arguing quite badly.. The majority of your post is very internalised, its not doing you any good, you are clearly falling under a silence of sorts a lot.. I think.
At 29 and 34, you two should be like rabbits.
This guy is either depressed or has a male hormone problem.
This issue will NOT get better!!
Decide if you want to grow old with him.
The relationship does not seem strong enough to also carry the sex problem
@nothingtodo,
Thanks for the reply nothingtodo. I have tried to just give him space and not pressure him but that hasn't helped either. I would have no problem with the lower libido if we physically showed affection in other ways like kissing and cuddling, but that's not there either.
@jespah,
Thank you for answering jespah. We do laugh and support each other and I know we still love each other in a way. But it's not much different from a close friendship at this point. (And worries about getting older and just being roomates are things that have also crossed my mind!) Thank you for a little outside perspective, it's hard to not be too emotional over this at this point.
@DavJohanis,
Thanks Dav. We haven't been arguing, but that's mostly because we've discussed all these things over and over already. It is hard to get out of my own head about this which is why I was hoping a third party might help.
@PUNKEY,
Thanks for the response Punkey. I think depression and stress are the majority of the problem...but that's not being addressed either and it's making me depressed and stressed too. I was hoping I was just over analyzing this, but it's good to confirm I'm not.
@Confused and Sad,
I'm glad that you both still care (certainly it would stink if there was that on top of the rest of it).
I hope you can both have happiness - whether together or apart.
@Confused and Sad,
Quit frankly some people arn't very sexual. Quite frankly your putting an demand for an intimacy on him he can't or won't supply.
It's on you to decide if you can live happily with the current situation. If you gave up sex would you be happy with the current situation?
I would seriously suggest one thing else. He might have low testerone due to his body type. See if he's adverse to the idea of lifting some weights or using some of those pills or other options. A couple years ago I spent some time lifting weights and lost a lot of weight. I also had a perpetual boner. Life cut down on my gym time. I miss the muscles but not the bulge in my pants or trying to stare down every shirt that came on a girl.
That BTW is different than viagra. Viagra makes you able to have sex, not want to.
@Confused and Sad,
a platonic relationship would not work for me. I would issue an ultimatum with a expiration date and immediately begin to make plans to end the relationship and move out. If you are not living together so much the better, move up the date.
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