Want out of marriage, and thoughts of an affair

What kind of example are you setting for the children if you have an affair? You are showing them that cheating is a good thing. You are showing them that you have no respect for half of them (e. g. their father). You are showing them that vows are meaningless and that you are not trustworthy.

Seek out counseling. Yesterday. Whether your marriage can be repaired or not, at least find out, and give it the old college try. What does it say to your children if you make no efforts whatsoever? Aren't you showing them that marriage is a throwaway, like a pair of pantyhose with a snag in them?

I am not saying you need to stay together forever, but it will make a difference if you make an effort, even if the effort turns out to be for naught. The difference will be with your children and how they deal with their own future relationships. And the future will be with your husband, in your dealings with him. After all, if you divorce, you will still have dealings with him.

Thank you
Well I have tried to leave and they asked me to stay.
He is never around and does nothing with them.

I think the whole idea of an affair is that it is done in secret. Presumably she wouldn't tell the children.

In seriousness I was in the same situation. I chose the honest route. When it was clear things weren't going to work out, I left. I did so in as fair, respectful and honest way as possible.

I was also very open and honest with my kids and extremely careful not to put my kids in the middle of the issues between my wife and I. Fortunately for me my wife has been very decent through this as well.

I know people who have had affairs, and as each situation is different I won't judge.

I also know of open marriages, where each partner realizes they are only together for the kids and understand that there will be other people on the side. I don't know how this would work, but this is another way to be honest.

What I would do?

You are already not with him, emotionally, probably sexually so start to live for yourself.

Spend the next few months re-gaining who you are, the dreams and goals you had before you both got together, coupled with new ones, where you want to go "now" with your life.

Start searching for groups you can join, classes you can take, gym things that you like.

Gaining independence, is the first step as it will be a long and lonely road once you are travelling on your own.. However, already being independent will mean you will know who you "now" are and where you are going, when it comes time to walk away.

Also start spending more "fun" time with your children. They will accept things alot easier if they have a Mum that is happy in herself and shows it with them..

You are only lowering yourself by having an affair and risking emotions that you can't cope with yet...

A new you, is a better option ...

How old are the children?

You should not stay in a loveless marriage, however, I'd encourage you to hold off on starting up any "affair" right now. Leave because you want a better life for yourself, not to jump into the arms of another

I agree. Two adults decided to get married and create a family. Now at least one of the adults is unhappy. The age of the children matters a great deal in this situation, as does the financial stability of the adults, both collectively and separately.

I don't advocate staying in a loveless marriage, but I think the fact that there are children in the picture makes the decision-making process more complex than if the marriage was childless.

Yes I stay for them and put up a good front.
Oh well time will tell:)

how fucked up is this......how old are these kids?

many many people stick with a marriage till the kids are out of the house and then ditch it, so if the kids are near that age this might work for you.

it is perfectly possible to stay in an unfullfilling marriage for what ever reason by getting your needs met in other places by other people than your spouse. people have done this through history. i generally dont agree with the prevailing view that divorce should be easy and that if one is unhappy then they should leave. you and mr SweetT should make some effort to make this work, for the kids and because you promised each other that you would.

Well that is like another 9 years
I do stay for them:)
They are my life, but I feel my soul being being drained being here.
I have been approached about things outside but feel that is unfair to all.
Thanks for your comments.

maybe you need to take more care in the feeding of your heart. do you have known self esteem problems? 9 years is a long time and they say that 26yo is the new 19, so watch out!

And then. Your children see your pain, your "un-happy soul" and they become un-happy for 9 years and your soul, drains more.

There is no all, there is you, your children.

For them to see you smile? Priceless.

For them to see your pain? Harmful.

When I hear a person say they are "staying for the kids" it's because they are afraid they won't get custody of the kids OR it's a financial/property worry.

You need to be really honest here. Do you stay for the money? HOW would you hurt the kids if you set up a household and they still got to see their father? They see both of you happy.

Now . . . to the "thoughts" of an affair. Are you being turned on by someone else? You are probably very lonely and starving for attention/affection. Be aware that you are very vulnerable right now.

When I hear "staying for the kids" I think I am listening to a person who is willing to put family before self, at least for a time, and somebody who does not follow the cultural message that one should jump into divorce at the first sign of unhappiness.

Don't you see that the kids can see thru all the BS?

Why make the entire household miserable?

If mama ain't happy, then everyone is isn't happy.

Kids almost always want the family to stay together, they approve. Besides, it is never to early to teach that we must all make ourselves happy, that our unhappiness is not our spouses fault.

If mamma ain't happy it is her duty to get happy,and to remember that her unhappiness is not an excuse to be a bitch. "If mamma is not happy ain't nobody happy" is the mantra of weak men who submit to female emotional storms...they should wise the **** up, and not infect their kids with this idiocy.

If I'm reading this right you are contemplating moving out of the family home and not moving the children, is that right?

If so, are you looking for shared custody? You'll need to get a place that will accommodate them when they're with you. Do you have the means to support yourself independently?

Why not just be honest with your husband and tell him exactly what you said here. "I feel my soul being being drained being here." It takes two people to make a marriage work. If he doesn't care that you have no soul then he's not participating in the marriage.