3
   

Is this an abusive and manipulating personality or I did wrong being too precaucious with my kids

 
 
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 10:40 am
I have divorced a year ago, and started this relationship with this very charming man, but slowly i started to see so many red flags. I am registered nurse and he is a fisherman. We met on a fishing trip in alaska where he works. We continued the long distance relationship for two months, then he came down to the lower 48 to visit me, and stayed for 3 months. As I was getting to know him, I did not want to introduce him to my kids yet. He agreed to respect this. However, I started to see behaviors that I did not want to care at the moment because I was blindly in love. He rented a room in a hotel next door to my apartment in town and I every night I cooked for him and took it to his room. At the beginning he said it was delicious, then started to say that it tasted like poop because it was farmed salmon, and not wild, then he said the tomato had a sticker so I was clumsy, then one morning I made him a full omelet, with everything, OJ, coffee, croissants, etc to his room, I took him to the city, rented a bike for him, payed his ticket in the train. I asked him if he liked his BF and he complained that he found a hair.
I felt bad but did not say anything. I don't have a job yet because I am waiting for my work permit, so I work as volunteer at the hospital, study and work out for triathlon. I had my schedule, but when he came he asked me to stop getting locked in in things because that is the reason he came and he wanted to spent time with me, i stopped swimming and biking because he wanted to try to make some money with me. He asked me to go storage auctions. I went to so many of them, and he asked me to work with him emptying the units full of junk, I did, I work as a monkey lifting boxes, carrying back and forth junk in my car. I did not like to go, but he said is teh way for us to be together an have an income and spend the day together. The he asked me to sell them, I started to sell them, but I did not have luck and I was scammed with some books. He was so mad at me because he said I told me to offer each one of the book and not as a bulk. I wanted to do some fun staff together, like go swimming together, or biking, or to the beach, but all he wanted was go to storage auctions and prove if he could work with me, He said he was looking for a partner and a woman with whom he could work and have as a girlfriend too. I tried so hard, I gave up everything, I stopped doing all what I was doing to go with him to the auctions, neglected my children teenagers, alone in the apartment after school, he said it was a trade off since I was not telling my kids about him, so I should spend most of my time with him. he said that i was stupid for selling the books to a scam. How would I have known?
He hoped that after he would come back from Ak again, would want me to tell my kids and come and stay living in an RV out of my place. He left for 4 months and we continued the long distance relationship talking every night. I went to visit him in Ak and stayed for a week. He did not take any time off, because he said he needed the money. He said he would try to find a place for us to stay, but then when I arrived he said he could not have time to do it and that he had not money. I stayed with him in his van and then I rented a cabin. I hoped he would like it, better than being in the van, but he said it was too rustic,
I went fishing at 4 am and working with him 5 days in a row, I actually worked and cut my hands with the hooks every day. He said that I was doing things wrong and that's why I cut my hands. I got a lot of tips from the passengers, but he said I should get more because i should smile more to the guys. I did not want to flirt to the passengers but he asked me to flirt them to get more money. I asked him if he cared, and he said is part of the business, I became seasick in the boat for the last two days, but I did no give up, I kept working to spend my time with him. The tips i got i gave them to him. Then he would separate three parts for the other workers and give me a fraction of theirs. I clean the boat afterwards everyday, prepared the rods, the reels, the bate. I felt good I was doing this to please him and show him I could work with him.
The last afternoon I could not take the seasickness anymore and I left the boat, stayed on land and rented a bike. He asked me not to rent the bike and stay with him on board the last afternoon. The sea was very rough and choppy, I told him that i wished I could, but I needed some time to rest and I will see him in three hours when he came back, He was upset when he came back from the boat, because he said I did not care what he said and did not listen to him.
I felt bad because I wanted him to be proud of me, for all I learned in the boat, to show him I could work with him and the extra tips I made.
When I left, he did not take me to the airport because had to work. I took a taxi I said I would wait for him to go back down, He said he hoped so, but did not know what the future hold.
We kept talking every night, but two weeks after he said he needed a break, because was tired that I made him feel bad without being able to talk anytime and being secretive since I did not tell my children, he also said that could not continue the relationship because I was broke still without a job.
It was so hurtful, he blame me for not being open with my family about him. I was just not ready to move forward, and scared me that he would be so invasive at home with my children telling them what to do.
. I am brokenhearted because he wanted a break,He wanted to take time, because he could not give me his love anymore until I fix my issues of not having a work permit and freedom to date in front of my children.I just don't feel ready to introduce him to them. It is a big deal to do something like that, I don't want to confuse them. During the time we took a break of talking on the diatnce, I went camping with my kids to sierra nevada. We did gold panning and found gold flakes.After two weeks he called me to know how I was doing and I told everything I did, including what we found in the river. He was so amazed about the finding that he asked me to claim the site. He said he would came back down from ak to stay with me and work together in the river. That he would wait until I feel ready with my kids. I did all the research and learn how to claim a mine site. He asked me to do it under his name because i don't have a SSN. I submit it to the state office, however it was denied because the site was private land. He changed his attitude that day and said he has just been offered a job in Ak and would not came back for a while.
We talked for a couple of days, then one day I was so tight on money that I could not register my daughter in after school sports so I had to sell my wedding ring. I told him about it, thinking he would be happy that I had not regrets on selling it because I am over that marriage. He got very mad, saying that I was inconsiderate, that I don't listen to him, that I don care about him, because he is looking for gold in slavation army stuff to build his equity. That I should have offered it to him first and he would have bought it from me, I said I would have never thought you wanted to have my wedding ring, for what it means, He said he does not mind, because he was going to melt it down.
I cant believe I am writing this.
He asked for a break that very same day, because I was not considerate to him. He said again that I need to fix my issues of speaking to my kids about him and get a visa to work, or keep doing the auctions on my own. I did not like the auctions, they are so ugly. He said if i did them, he would be with me together. I said that I will get my things together , speed up the divorce file, so I can tell my children and try harder to get my work permit , waiting for him to be with me.
It has passed 5 months and I called him for his birthday, he was very distant and surprised. he said he was getting ready to go out because he was dating somebody.
It was a killer.
He said that I wont believe him, but he was dating because he could not forget me and he is trying, but still loves me. I asked him how he can be with another woman and still say he loves me. He said he still thinks of me very much and is trying to forget me with this other person, because is so hard to be alone.
He said that he had hope that life will get us back together and asked me if I was ready to go back with him. He blamed me that we were not together because I did so many mistakes, being secretive and not listening to him on keep doing the storage sale auctions, not listening to him when he asked me not to go on my own one afternoon in alaska, that I took him for granted.
I said I was almost ready, that I would take him back, but still the visa is not ready and and the children did nit know about him, but I would tell them now.
After I answered him, he said he wants to take a chance with this person now, that he can not decide and maybe later if life wishes he hopes we can see if we can work things out again.
I felt so manipulated and abused, I still love him, but I said no. I feel he wants to keep me a possible chance always. I said I have been waiting for him to come back for 5 months and make me prove I can be with him with conditions, I take him the way he is, without a stable job, without a place to live. He said that made him feel so bad that I did not answer the phone during the day when he called, because I did not want to speak in front of my children. But I texted him to tell him I would call him later when the children were in bed. He said he needed me and was not there for him, that I only talk when is convenient to me.
Please tell me if this is a kind of narcissist personality behavior, abusive, manipulating, or I was wrong on being secretive with my children.
 
View best answer, chosen by moonstars
boomerang
  Selected Answer
 
  4  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 10:55 am
@moonstars,
The guy is a jerk.

I understand that you loved/love him but you need to stop thinking about him and get on with your life.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  5  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 01:14 pm
@moonstars,
I don't think he's at narcissist personality disorder, but he's not for you. I didn't read every word, but I'm thinking his constant nit picking and fault finding isn't going to to away. It may never get worse, but it's going to slowly grind you down, year after year. It takes a very special personality to survive this kind of treatment, and I think it's fortunate you don't have it.

Just as well you haven't introduced the kids to him. I can imagine how things would go when he started criticising every thing about them, including the way they were raised.

This sounds like a great time to call it a learning experience, and avoid such personalities in the future.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  4  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 02:41 pm
@moonstars,
moonstars,

Firstly, be proud of yourself for protecting your children, even if they are teenagers. Secondly, for seeing red flags.

The situation is this. You only Divorced a year ago. I suspect if the ring means nothing to you, the marriage was not that perfect either and I suspect that you gave and gave and gave to that man too.

This man is a "gold digger" does not care where he gets the money from, as long as he can "manipulate SOMEONE" to provide it to him and in this instance, it was/is you.

He had you flirt with passengers to get money for him.
He had you attend Auctions, to get money for him.
He thought you struck gold and wanted it in "his" name, for no other reason than to get money for him.
He had you work the boat and do all the manly things what sort of man is that? Whilst he relaxed and laughed.

He is a user, after money.. He dumps you when he sees nothing is going to come his way, and continues on with someone else. Then when he thinks you may be able to pull some off, because you "love him" emotional blackmail, feeding you words to make you believe that he does back, he runs back..only to find, that you have not struck gold and so he leaves again..

When a man constantly puts a woman down, he does so because he knows she is weak, vulnerable and he sees her as a ticket. For either sex or money, doesn't matter it's for his own needs what ever they are. The more he puts that woman down, the more she tries to please him, only to be cursed at and put down even more and so, the vicious circle continues.

Only you can break that circle by telling him " You are a manipulating, using, creep go find some other sucker"..... And, never, ever, speak to him again.

Then take a look at yourself deeply, in the mirror, inside and realise you are worth something not nothing. 1 year divorced is not a long time. Take time out for you, don't just pick some guy because you are lonely and then give him your all to be loved. Learn to love yourself first... You are worth more than being a slave to a gold digger .....
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  4  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 03:01 pm
@moonstars,
Quote:
I don't have a job yet Vs:
-every night I cooked for him and took it to his room
-then one morning I made him a full omelet, with everything, OJ, coffee, croissants, etc to his room, I took him to the city, rented a bike for him, payed his ticket in the train

-then started to say that it tasted like poop because it was farmed salmon
-then he said the tomato had a sticker so I was clumsy
-I asked him if he liked his BF and he complained that he found a hair.

and

-He asked me to go storage auctions.
-I had my schedule, but when he came he asked me to stop getting locked in in things ...

vs

-I went to so many of them
-i stopped swimming and biking because he wanted
And uh, that's only in the first paragraph and a half.

He's not necessarily 'narcissistic' - quite possibly he may have misogynist tendancies, but that's simply irrelevant - you have let yourself be well and truly used.

Usually if you allow that sort of thing, it's not because you are blinded by love, but for some other reasons...which may include not knowing the signs (in which case you need to start educating yourself on such things - there's plenty of books out there on manipulative people, abusive people), and most likely self esteem issues (which again, you would need to educate yourself on - again , plenty of books out there). There could be other issues too that contributed to you staying in a very obviously one sided relationship for so long (and putting up with the put downs)

Certainly there is nothing wrong with keeping him from your children - you did exactly the right thing there.
0 Replies
 
Aldistar
 
  5  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 03:03 pm
@moonstars,
I didn't even get through your whole post, but I can tell you this guy is bad news. I would cut off contact with him and end this. Anyone who asks you to give up things you do and love does not care for you. Things you love are part of what make you YOU and people who love you would not ask you to give those things up. The fact thst he made you put your life on hold for three months, but couldn't take a week off for you speaks volumes. This man isn't looking for a woman to love, he is looking for an employee he doesn't have to pay and one he can sleep with.
0 Replies
 
Aldistar
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 03:12 pm
@moonstars,
Ok. I went back and read everything, you were 100% right in keeping your children from him. He is nothing but a user. He does seem to fit the narcissistic behavior type. Nothing in life will EVER be his fault and it would always be you or your kids to blame.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 04:04 pm
@Aldistar,
After this very long story, I can't understand why you love him. He is abusive and does not seem very bright - or even know how to treat a woman.

You must get away from this man and get yourself together. You sound male-dependent.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 04:12 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yes, and that's fine.Keep in mind that there are better males out there to become dependent upon.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 05:14 pm
@roger,
Or dogs.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 05:17 pm
@ossobuco,
They are more reliable and predictable, aren't they?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2012 05:18 pm
@roger,
Often.
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Sat 22 Dec, 2012 01:53 am
@ossobuco,
But not cats...
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sat 22 Dec, 2012 04:18 am
@vikorr,
Crap, pends if your cat thinks it's a dog.
0 Replies
 
moonstars
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Jan, 2013 01:27 am
Hey everyone,
thanks for your very useful replies. You guys are so good for taking the time to read such a long and crappy story. I cant believe I let myself involved in a relationship like that. I am a very self confident woman, I have always been, very career oriented, my family, my kids. After the ending of my marriage, is true, I felt vulnerable and this guy targeted me flying low, easy prey for his intentions. He was very handsome, athletic, charming and seemed to be loving. Now I realized he had this idea on his mind the whole time, of working and making money. We were just three week together and we felt so good talking, joking, amazing chemistry, he was all caring and praising me all the time. The he suddenly said that if we wanted to be together, we must work together, to look after each other, take care of each other, and be a complete package, making money and be lovers. Its sound great, but I told him, is a risky business to mix love and work, because if something goes wrong, it will impact our relationship. He did not care, he said he wanted to give it shot anyways, and see if we pass that test. I did not like that always he was proving me, advising me what to do and what not to do, and if i did something on my own, would never agree and play as a hurt that I don't listen to him and I was uncaring.
Oh my god, I am so glad things ended. It was like heaven to be with him, but turned into hell, a nightmare. It was so confusing to understand his decision of leaving, if he said he loved me. He conditioned the relationship saying that he could not give me his love anymore until I make money and I am open about him with my children. I was scare with that, but could not want to see the reality. This guy was looking for a place to live, he was so upset, because he thought i would introduce him to my kids and come to live with us. He was usually telling me that would be a dream to live together, waking up together, working together, cooking together. He was so pissed off that I would not take that step. He said that i was so uncaring and selfish I could not believe he thought that of me, because i know I am not, i was giving him all of me, except enter in my house when the children were there. I even asked me to tell my children that I rented one room and he would live in one room, doors closed, as a roommate there, since I did not want them to know I was dating someone , until I am very sure about the person. I told him no way, that is crazy. He said that he did not want me to work as a nurse because there were health hazards, so I could work with him opening a pawn shop to sell all the junk from the auctions.
Thank you so much, it was very good as eye opener all your advises. I am not male dependent. I have been alone for so long in my marriage, because the ex traveled all the time. This guy just made me feel good, thinking that I was needed, but I was being used for his purpose, to make easy money. He did not go to college and said it was a waste of time. That is not worth to study and have a career if you can make money other ways... I am studying at Stanford at night, he went with me to one class, and afterwards he said he could have found and learn all they said in the internet...What a looser! I did not like about him many things, like a life without purpose or meaning, to do something good, just trying to find treasures to make easy money without the commitment of a real job or career. He said he did not find a point of me working as a volunteer nurse at the Stanford hospital , while I get my work visa if i was not getting paid. I said that it was rewarding anyways, but that was not something he knows what I meant. I told a couple of friends about him and told me the same thing that you guys did, but I felt it was not an objective opinion since they know me and want the best for me, but without knowing me, you caught the guy too.. guys like him are out there using women... making his intentions with such words and ways.., and totally he had me as a ticket for money and sex. When he broke up, I said I did not want to talk anymore, and he kept texting saying that he needs my friendship, that he hopes things can be worked out in the future, that he will take his chances away while I get my situation resolved, and that he was sure we will meet again and our lives will come back on the same path again one day...., how manipulating!! that totally is a way of keeping me there available, hoping for him to come back,
Yes, it was learning experience, never again. thank you for your time and good intentions, you have saved me... I was so sad and heart broken thinking what did I do wrong, things did not make sense...if i tried my best. I am falling out of love finally and I am so glad for that, feel so much lighter.,..what a mistake.

FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Jan, 2013 02:57 pm
@moonstars,
Quote:
When he broke up, I said I did not want to talk anymore, and he kept texting saying that he needs my friendship, that he hopes things can be worked out in the future, that he will take his chances away while I get my situation resolved, and that he was sure we will meet again and our lives will come back on the same path again one day...., how manipulating!! that totally is a way of keeping me there available, hoping for him to come back,


Goodness Me Smile

Wish I could meet him, just so I could slap him Smile
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Jan, 2013 03:23 pm
@moonstars,
I don't mean to be insulting but I cannot digest a long explanation with no paragraphs, and refuse to read it as some kind of block of words.

I know this sounds petty, and that you are used to typing in a straight line manner. So, I'm copying the text and will add spaces to help myself get what you are saying.


Hey everyone,
thanks for your very useful replies. You guys are so good for taking the time to read such a long and crappy story.

I cant believe I let myself involved in a relationship like that. I am a very self confident woman, I have always been, very career oriented, my family, my kids. After the ending of my marriage, is true, I felt vulnerable and this guy targeted me flying low, easy prey for his intentions. He was very handsome, athletic, charming and seemed to be loving. Now I realized he had this idea on his mind the whole time, of working and making money.

We were just three week together and we felt so good talking, joking, amazing chemistry, he was all caring and praising me all the time. The he suddenly said that if we wanted to be together, we must work together, to look after each other, take care of each other, and be a complete package, making money and be lovers. Its sound great, but I told him, is a risky business to mix love and work, because if something goes wrong, it will impact our relationship. He did not care, he said he wanted to give it shot anyways, and see if we pass that test.

I did not like that always he was proving me, advising me what to do and what not to do, and if i did something on my own, would never agree and play as a hurt that I don't listen to him and I was uncaring.

Oh my god, I am so glad things ended. It was like heaven to be with him, but turned into hell, a nightmare. It was so confusing to understand his decision of leaving, if he said he loved me. He conditioned the relationship saying that he could not give me his love anymore until I make money and I am open about him with my children. I was scare with that, but could not want to see the reality. This guy was looking for a place to live, he was so upset, because he thought i would introduce him to my kids and come to live with us. He was usually telling me that would be a dream to live together, waking up together, working together, cooking together. He was so pissed off that I would not take that step. He said that i was so uncaring and selfish I could not believe he thought that of me, because i know I am not, i was giving him all of me, except enter in my house when the children were there. I even asked me to tell my children that I rented one room and he would live in one room, doors closed, as a roommate there, since I did not want them to know I was dating someone , until I am very sure about the person.

I told him no way, that is crazy. He said that he did not want me to work as a nurse because there were health hazards, so I could work with him opening a pawn shop to sell all the junk from the auctions.

Thank you so much, it was very good as eye opener all your advises. I am not male dependent. I have been alone for so long in my marriage, because the ex traveled all the time. This guy just made me feel good, thinking that I was needed, but I was being used for his purpose, to make easy money. He did not go to college and said it was a waste of time. That is not worth to study and have a career if you can make money other ways...

I am studying at Stanford at night, he went with me to one class, and afterwards he said he could have found and learn all they said in the internet...What a looser! I did not like about him many things, like a life without purpose or meaning, to do something good, just trying to find treasures to make easy money without the commitment of a real job or career. He said he did not find a point of me working as a volunteer nurse at the Stanford hospital , while I get my work visa if i was not getting paid.

I said that it was rewarding anyways, but that was not something he knows what I meant. I told a couple of friends about him and told me the same thing that you guys did, but I felt it was not an objective opinion since they know me and want the best for me, but without knowing me, you caught the guy too.. guys like him are out there using women... making his intentions with such words and ways.., and totally he had me as a ticket for money and sex.

When he broke up, I said I did not want to talk anymore, and he kept texting saying that he needs my friendship, that he hopes things can be worked out in the future, that he will take his chances away while I get my situation resolved, and that he was sure we will meet again and our lives will come back on the same path again one day...., how manipulating!! that totally is a way of keeping me there available, hoping for him to come back,

Yes, it was learning experience, never again. thank you for your time and good intentions, you have saved me... I was so sad and heart broken thinking what did I do wrong, things did not make sense...if i tried my best. I am falling out of love finally and I am so glad for that, feel so much lighter.,..what a mistake.




I'm glad for your decisions, moonstars. Please don't backtrack and relent to him.

I didn't intend to be mean about the paragraphs, and think you generally write very well.

Hang in there, believe in yourself.
0 Replies
 
moonstars
 
  3  
Reply Mon 7 Jan, 2013 07:18 pm
Yes. Thank you Found Soul and Ossobuco. I wish I could only see him again to slap him, If he ever dares to come back from Alaska I will slap him for you too.

And no, I wont relent to him, not again. Lesson learned, such a waste of time and energy. I feel sorry for him. What a life, living in van, then in a boat, alone all his life, without a job, a career, fishing only on the summers, rejecting real friendship and love to keep looking for easy money. He told me so many crappy stories of his past love life, no wonder why. I read the DSM IV description for manipulating personalities and he meets all the criteria.
I have learned from this and my eye became more sharp now.

He blamed his parents all the time for not coaching him, he said his father was a jerk, his mother was being used. Exactly what he did to me. When we went out to eat, he always showed me the check and pretend he was going to pay, but took long, I asked if he would need some, and he always said yes received the money.

Even for the bridge toll and for gas to go to his auctions. And in the grocery store always he was advising about what was the healthiest choice and made me by organic which was double expensive, telling me was the both of us, and that he was looking after my health.

I wanted to help him to improve his life, thinking he did not have the right choices, a hard life, all by himself in alaska. I tried to convince him that studying and learning a career will make a change in his life, however that is something that will never be understood by a gold digger and a bum. He is almost 40 years old.

I wish the other women he is seeing could be warned about him.

I wrote with the paragraphs now. I usually do, but in the post the space seems so small that I didn't. Thank you for all the good advises and sorry for the block of words.

Take care guys, and have a great 2013. Thank you for your wise advises.
I am enjoying being by myself with my kids, and finally be able to forget him and stop thinking of him. Is peace of mind and feels great.
moonstars
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jan, 2013 09:59 pm
@PUNKEY,
yes, you are right. About not understanding why I loved him. I do not know now either. I am not male dependent. I am just plain stupid. I think I have the complex of mother theresa. I wanted to help him, thinking he had not good chances in life, thinking I could make him happy, since he had a hard life. I forgot about me, my boundaries, thanks God I did not loose my head letting him come into my house and meet my children.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2013 02:34 am
@moonstars,
Promise? That you will slap him for us ? Wink

Quote:
He blamed his parents all the time for not coaching him, he said his father was a jerk, his mother was being used. Exactly what he did to me.


An apple does not fall far from a tree. He can blame all he wishes but he had a choice, to be like his Father, or never be like his Father he chose to be like his Father which shows you what sort of kid he was to his Mother....

Quote:
I wanted to help him to improve his life,
Alot of us what to do that for people.. Mainly these "people" claim that they were abused, wrongly bought up, used by people radaradarada. And, we, as "nice" people try to help them... Often the weaker, get sucked in and think they can change them, sort of go aweeee.....

Remember, people are who they are, we can not change them.. .They have to want to change for themselves....

So pleased that you really do see this guy for who he is, his continued carp of excuses have runnith dry.

2013 is your year, actually no it's mine, actually no it's yours ok, it's ours Smile

 

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