My boyfriend of 3yrs will not let me meet his daughter & hangs out with his ex

Um, yes. It's great that they all get along, but they're acting like they're still married.

Thank you for the response. He grew up in a single family home and says his mother often introduced him to new guys and that he doesn't want to do that to his daughter. However, he tells me he wants to marry me. My children always ask me why we all can't do stuff together and why they can't play with her. I'm at my breaking point and he keeps putting the blame on me for not understanding. Should we separate over this?

Are you sure she is an ex? do you spend time with his friends and other family?

Good question! But yes, they are divorced. We pretty much live together except for when he has his daughter. I am around his friends a lot and his mom sometimes. I forgot to mention earlier that his ex hates me b/c she knows we started dating while they were separated before their divorce was finalized. He tells me that she told him if he's with me that he can never see his daughter again and that I will never be allowed to be around her. But I'm not sure what the truth really is. He gets bothered by her going out on dates.

I think that you know what you think... and that you are right.

What if.....he never hung out with his ex-wife but still never allowed his daughter to meet me or my children, although we've been together for nearly 3 years??

If you're a potential fiancée, then his daughter needs to meet you. What does he honestly think will happen when you marry? Are you gonna just have business in Dubuque (or wherever) every other weekend and during summer vacations?

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and my guess is the potential fiancée status.

since it would take some kind of legal decision to prevent him from introducing his daughter to you, it seems you need to talk to him very seriously about the current status of his divorce agreement as well as what his plans are for his future relationship with you and your children.

Seems to me he should be extending the same rules to your children that he does to his own.

you don't think she knows where he spends most of his time when they're not together? and if she doesn't know, what else don't you know?

something sounds stinky

I'm sorry, but the thread title says it all.

Move along.

(I know it's hard)

Thank you all for your responses/advice. I really appreciate it. Reading this I feel like I may have exaggerated without meaning to. It's not a daily, or even weekly thing. But it does happen for things like birthday and Christmas shopping..."out to eat" is often him picking up food for the both of them if he's visiting his daughter or taking her home...and I believe they've taken her to the movies a couple of times together. They even took her for Santa pictures at the mall last week (which he paid for & gave them all to her but when I said something about it I was being mean to him and ridicoulous to even question it since the pics were going to be Christmas presents to family...hmmm). But the straw that broke the camels back was the 90min Polar Express train ride that was over a 4 hour round trip drive that just the three of them went on. When he first started talking about it & taking his daughter I told him how bad I wanted to go with them and take my two daughters too. But of course that was out of the question for him. Not to mention it was very expensive & although he denies it, I'm sure he paid for his ex-wife's ticket as well as gas & food on the way & while there. He tells me that I'm crazy for getting upset & that they do things together with their kid because it's for her...not them. Being a divorced mom, I get that. But I also think that it will be harder on her in the long run, especially when & if she ever does meet one of daddy's girlfriends....among other things.
I plan on sharing this webpage with him. So, please voice your opinions/wisdom/advice. We both need to hear it. If I'm being "crazy" I want to know... and if you disagree with his actions and/or justifications, I want him to read it for himself.
Thank you all!

I kept the last fella I dated out of my family "loop"

I did not wish to have him in that part of my life.

I know now that it was because I was protecting my grandchildren from having to see me with a "boyfriend.' They were young, too.

I did not feel comfortable enough with him to have him inside the walls of the family circle.

He has gone on now and I am with a person who I do want to invite into my life totally.

Do you do these things with your ex? I mean the long trips, etc. If so, then he'd have a shadow of a leg to stand on. But so far as I can tell, he doesn't.

So - if/when you get married - not only are you supposed to have business in Dubuque, but your daughters are, apparently, also supposed to be out of town? Perhaps it can be an Oscar Wilde-style farce, where they have the bedroom during the day, and then go to school at night, while his daughter sleeps there at night and goes to school during the day, and you exhaust yourselves trying to keep them apart.

Seriously, the girls need to meet each other. Does he not realize that marrying you means a commitment to your girls as well? Does he not understand that your children will be a part of things, too? How does he honestly expect all three of them to get along if he suddenly springs on his daughter, "Oh, BTW, I'm getting married. I packed your stuff. You'll be sharing a room with two strangers whenever you visit. You're welcome!"

First of all, nobody, especially a divorced ex, has the right to threaten the other with visitation withdrawal. Like ehBeth said, if you're serious about this fiance of yours, talk about his divorce agreement.

I think, however, that he's happy with the situation as is, and if he's bothered by her going out on dates, there's more at issue here.

This is not a functioning, normal relationship for any of you. He should be happy that she's moving on, as he did, not jealous and bothered. Likewise, she should not hate you or feel threatened about her daughter meeting you. If that's true, that's spiteful.

I think you need to show all this to him and sit down and figure out how the future is going to unfold. If he's serious about marrying you, and I did say IF, then you have to have a workable situation concerning his daughter. It would be very strange if this current situation continued for the next 20 years. I mean, it's very strange now and it would just get worse.

I think the real problem is your fiancé. He's not being honest with you. And we don't know if what he says (about what his ex is saying) is even true. All you know is what he says.

As others have said, there's something fishy here. Very fishy.

What you want for you and your girls, is an open and loving relationship with everyone, not this muddy mess you're in. You don't have to have contact with his ex if she does, indeed, hate you, but there should be no problem him having his girls at your house. If he intends to commit to you, that should be happening. His wife doesn't get to choose where he see his girls, unless there's something in his visitation agreement that addresses that. He should be wanting them over, to be part of this blended family.

Keep us posted.