toxic friends

It takes 2 to make it toxic. You have to bear half the reponsibility. If friends impose on you maybe your definition of imposition is my definition of just sharing with a friend or lover.

You make things toxic, they arent born that way.

If I meet someone that turns out to be clingy, I just avoid them and stop answering their phone calls. Eventually they stop calling. With perennially negative folk, I am so relentlessly cheerful that they soon stop calling me. And I don't gossip. I've been known to stop people dead in their tracks by saying, "I really don't want to take this conversation to that level..." then changing the subject. Those people drift away from me pretty quickly, too.

All of this is good.

These things hardly ever happen to me anymore, though. I don't typically get very friendly with people until I've known them awhile.

Tell him/her "See ya when I see ya!"

Hi beebo......... (cute nic )

It doesn't take long for you to figure out if a person is "toxic" People like that are "takers" not "givers" As soon as you find someone is almost totally dependent upon you for their social life...that's a BIG red flag. Also toxic people have a tendency to be negative so much of the time. And usually you pick that up pretty fast.

As you are already finding out.....all the trouble you have to go through with them is simply not worth it. When it becomes a "one way street" like that......just put up the "do not enter" sign ASAP and walk away.

I know...sometimes easier said then done

~Brooke

Beebo, Farmerman was on spot with his statement.

I don't know how old you are, but when I was younger, I would allow these people to depend on me. You need to ask yourself what you get out of the relationship. Are you willing to put up with their problems in order to ignore your own?

Like Eva said, it gets easier to stay away from toxic people as you get older. Try to surround yourself with people who love you or who like you without making unreasonable demands.

When you are able to feel better about yourself, I can almost guarantee that you will leave those people in the dust.

on the spot!! My most recent problem toxic friend is someone who I have been friends with since college. I was a bit........ how shall I put this........... drunk for the 4 yrs. I will venture to say that almost all of the people I formed relationships at that time in my life were screwed up. Well, thankfully, I did not stay drunk after the four years were up. I have allowed most of the screwed up relationships to fade - and even had to say to two- you know this isn't working out for me because I have changed. The one was pretty much were I was but the other- well, she was really offended & then proceeded to offend me.
This girl is pretty much the last college "friend" I have. It has been toxic but I am reluctant to let it go because of our history together. Also, she has asked me to be in her wedding -- causing her behavior to escalate. Bridezilla.


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Just had a situation at work. A woman ( I guess she is about my age) Invited me and my child to her house for a "play date" for our kids. My child is a bit - not much, but when you are talking about toddlers- older. It was not a good mix for our kids. In the hour and a half that I was there she told me about problems in her marriage, her alcoholic father etc- I mean we were not friends at work. So I peg her as a clingy type. I am cordial to her at work but she apparently is offended that I am not calling her & inviting her to my house. I will say hello to her and she will totally ignore me. I guess that I am staying away from her but feel bad if I have hurt her feelings. I probably feel worse that she is such a bitch to me for no apparent reason. I mean our kids just didn't get along- why would I force them to be together.

I have had two of these people in my life, years ago. I got rid of them rather rudely after years...

in one case, I am not sorry, I was completely clear about non dependence - it was a woman friend, and yes, I might have been worried about more than simple dependence, maybe she thought of me in lesbian ways, but that was, if there at all, a mere whisper from her. Mostly if was upfront dependence.

I talked to her several times about her neediness being offputting, and one day she called me at work and said, we HAVE TO HAVE A PARTY for, I think it was about my birthday, and I said no we don't and hung up.

This was either the cruelest thing on my part, or worse, but I'd had it.

I am well out of it from what I have heard, but would still like to know she is doing ok.

I am capable of excising people who hang though, not the nicest thing to know about myself. But ... I am pretty protective of the essential me, and don't want a clingon.

A mate, I might love a male mate, to be rather specific, but not a clingon male either, or me vice versa.

If you want to be successful, you have to be around successful people. Old saying, but true. To avoid toxic people, I do a great deal of observing. Do they follow through on commitments? Do they show up on time? Do they spend too much time in the negative zone? When the group goes out, do they do interesting things or just hit the bars? I've had my good share of toxic friends in the past and you might say that in my now years I'm a bit of a loner, but when I do get into friendships now I have a lot more fun.

Beebo, your comment about not wanting to hurt the woman rings familiar notes with me, but I grew out of it.

What Osso and Kayla said are really the only ways to handle someone like that. They are NOT subtle and will ignore gentle hints. You are not being cruel when being clear, even if it means calling her up and stating that you do not want to continue the friendship. Once, I had to actually tell a woman that her friendship with me was harmful to me and was a way for her to ignore the need to attend AA meeting.

Also, these people can sometimes become dangerous, like stalkers, etc.

This may come to a head this weekend. We (all of the girls who are in the wedding) are supposed to go looking for the bridesmaids dresses. You know I think that this will start another post. She is upset with me because I could not make it last weekend - my toddler was ill. The fact that she is upset about me not making it and not concerned enough to ask how my daugter is doing is typical & enraging for me. I just hate having to go through the whole thing, again. I am not sure about ending it- again because of the history. I am sure that the whole thing will be pushed to the limit- I have watched more than one person alienate friends and families when they are planning their wedding.

The last time that I ended a friendship- where I had to say "I can not continue this friendship........" I was upset about it for at least a year. There wasn't the tears and such- like with a broken love relationship - but a strong sense of loss and depression. It is just that I was so upset every time that we talked or were together - I couldn't - for my own health - continue being their friend. It was painful for me to end it but immediately felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

Beebo, you sound like a really decent person who is trying to keep everyone around you happy.
unfortunately toxic/clingy types will always be attracted to you.The best I can offer is learn the warning signs and when you see them get outa there.Because before you know it the clingy type turns into the controlling type.Then you are in big trouble.I speak from personal experience.Good luck

Beebo, my wife can relate. She was, until recently, that sort of person who adopted friends like that. Finally, she just got fed up and broke off relations with toxic people, as she was completely drained emotionally all the time. Never mind I was telling her to do so for a while because the homefront was never comfortable. These people don't just affect one person, they often affect others as well, even if not intended. They are best to stay away from.

Hey for once I agree with everyone in here!

Fred, you could be a real asset to this thread as most of us regulars know your story and all, and you really went out of your way for somebody who wasn't worth it. I went through that as well, in college, but eventually, I HAD to stop caring, for my own sanity. Well-meaning people need others who WANT help, not those who are going to suck the life out of you for selfish reasons.

beebo: It's nice of you to feel so much towards the relationships in your life, but nice people get taken advantage of. I get the impression you aren't that keen to participate in your college buddy's wedding. If that's the case, you should say no now before it progresses any further. In all fairness to her, she could be stressing about the wedding and just not behaving like a normal human being. Ya gotta weigh the pros and the cons...and put it all in perspective. Is the ONLY value of this friendship a shared experience of the same college days? To me that wouldn't be enough, especially when those college days don't reflect your finest moments. But that's just my opinion.

I give this bit of advice:

We as people long to feel accepted and feel loved and cared for.. We long for this so badly that we are at times willing to do whatever it takes even if that person is annoying or clingy..After time we start to feel used or drained that it starts to bring you as a person down. Not knowing how to break free from the issue we continue to bring the stress upon ourselfs.

I loved my ex with all of my heart and with everything I was. I dont think there is a word that could just pin point the love that I had for her. I did alot of stupid things to just make her happy, cause thats all I cared about was the smile I saw on her face...You could say I would have brought down the moon and the stars for her if she had asked me too. But she felt the need to **** all over me and hurt me....Nothing in this world will ever be able to compare to pain and hurt she did to me and put me through

Anyways back to my point. There is no way to tell if someone is a "Toxic Friend", you just have to take your chances, cause people change all the time. And my other point live life for you and if something or someone is bothering you, you need to A: Deal with it. Or B: Delete it!

Sometimes the truth is right there between the lines of life..

Best of luck with your issue. I hope my words we able to help somewhat.

She drives my husband nuts.

Yes, I am sure some of this is wedding stress for her- I will give her that. She was in my wedding and I am sure that she felt obligated to ask me to be in hers. My wedding was informal- because that is my personality/ style. So, part of my irritation is this elaborate wedding & me hating the whole pretense of it. All of these things -- on top of -- her clingyness, inability to take no for an answer- it is almost like she doesnt hear it, her blatent rudeness etc... make me stress out about it. I said yes to be in the wedding & so I will do it- and happily.

This week there was the woman at work, not too long ago there was a similar situation with my sister in law, and I just began wondering why I seem to attract these type of people. Or maybe they act this way with me only. I was wondering if everyone finds themselves in these situations often & if not------- what am I doing to encourage this behavior.
I would not say that people generally find me nice. I think I am often painfully honest. I would guess that people more often describe me as bitchy- and that is fine with me. Whenever someone asks me how I feel about that I reply, "nice is highly overrated". So, I am amazed that this keeps happening.
My sister in law- she was a complete leech- tryed to move in with us, she has moved furniture into our house & garage, I have helped her move 3 times in two years, she would ask me if I would like to go out to eat & somehow I would get stuck paying, never sent us xmas cards, birthday cards etc---- the list is endless---- Not true-- ended a few months ago when she told me she was sleeping with a mutual friend husband who has a 9 month old baby at home & I told her that I found it morally objectionable. She was initially upset - but continued to call for favors until she got the hint - but it took 4 months. Litterally 4 months with her calling every other day and a few times at my work. I let that go on too long because she is a relative that I have to see often.

Re-read what you wrote! "Painfully honest", known as "Bitchy". If that is so then you need to be a lil "Bitchy" and "Painfully honest" with these people that bother you! Tell them what you feel...You state thats what you normally do!

And part of the reason these people keep doing this to you is because you never let them know when they have gone to far! So yea their gonna keep pushing there limits until one day you snap!

I find this all sort of hard to read, as I see you being me some time ago. Even though you are bitching, you haven't completely understood how you need to just be yourself and relax. You talk correctly about it, you understand it, but it is hard to do the first few times if you haven't stood up for yourself before routinely.

For example, being belligerant when standing up for yourself is not very useful. It takes actually having what they now call self esteem, a jargon term, but let's just say confidence, even if the confidence is some kind of curling around yourself. I think confidence in yourself - which I can tell you have - is giving space for just breathing deep and almost willing yourself to relax. You aren't lesser than everybody else. Listen to yourself.