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Is it better to marry a girl for love or because it makes sense?

 
 
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 04:13 pm
There are 2 girls who I could potentially marry and I'm not even the marrying kind of guy until this past year, its been crazy, but anyways these girls are amazing. The first girl I am in love with but she was dating another guy and I havent talked to her since and I think she broke up with him and the 2nd one loves me and I like her alot but honestly am dating her bc she reminds me of the other girl who I couldnt have back then and we have a lot in common.

I met this first girl at an extracurricular class I was taking at a different place than my school so I only got to see her once a week. We hit it off and did lots of things including going to a dance one time and when we got to talking she told me she didnt have a bf and thats when I messed up terribly and didnt ask her out bc I thought I had more time. Well, she ended up dating another guy bc I was too late and at the end of the year, we said bye and it was awkward bc we both we wondering what if it hadnt played out this way but neither of us said anything and I didnt plan on going back to that extra class next year.

I met this other girl earlier that year and I liked her I think bc she seemed similar and even looks like that first girl and she had a lot in common with me so it seemed right and now I'm dating her and she says she wants to marry me. I thought I would get over that first girl in a few weeks but its been months and I havent, I only did for a while when I played football and I was literally at school almost all day for weeks and I was too tired to think about her. When life got back to a normal pace I thought about her a little but not too much and the 2nd girl also started going to that extracurricular place and wanted me to join her in a class and I thought that was fine. Ends up, since everything always goes wrong for me unless I think of all the possibilities, that she had to drop out and guess what, that first girl was in the class and of course she looks at me all the time and is all nice bc I think she has broken up with that guy but I didnt even say a word to her bc the only way I got through that year after she said no was to convince myself she was a bitch for doing that but really, she isn't and I just had to trick myself into thinking that to make myself believe she wasnt worth killing myself over. I've dated a lot of girls but none of them meant anything because it was high school and we were just having fun but these 2 girls are just so different and I like it. The first girl was my first real love and after it didnt work out I've never felt the same towards any other girl and just as a person, I feel less carefree like I use to be.

Anyways, I don't know for sure if I could get back together with her again and explain why I didnt ask her out earlier but I'm pretty sure I can. The thing is I really do care about the 2nd girl who says she wants to marry me and I've helped her come from being really sad to really happy but I'm starting to think I just wanted to help save her from her abusive parents and terrible "friends" because I knew what they were really like. It went to far though and she does have a lot of qualities now that I look for in a girl but I just don't get that feeling like I can go days without thinking of her, I couldnt go a minute without thinking of the first girl. I'm wondering if I sortve lost a little piece of myself and will never trust anyone like I trusted that girl, so the reason I dont feel that way for that girl is just I never will so maybe I should settle down with her bc she really loves me and is smart and pretty, etc. but on the otherhand I dont want to get a divorce like lots of people do bc they didnt marry the person they loved and settled for ok. What should I do?
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 04:42 pm
You are too young to marry.
Don't even think about it yet.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  4  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 05:20 pm
@inception951,
You have a lot to learn -- about yourself and about girls -- before you'll be ready for marriage. Take your time and learn. A lifetime is a very, very long time.

If I understand you correctly, you never actually had a dating relationship with Girl #1. You have feelings for her, but that is not love. It's infatuation. It takes a lot more than feelings to qualify as "love." Love is what you've been through with someone. It's what you have when those feelings go away (and they will, they always do, they're never permanent) and you still feel like that person is a part of you, and you can't imagine life without them. It takes a lot of time together for real love to develop. You're not anywhere close.

If you care about Girl #2 at all, you will cut her loose. You don't love her ... you don't even have strong feelings about her. All you're doing is using her, and she deserves better than that. Everyone does. So do the right thing. Tell her you think she's great but your heart isn't in it, and let her go find someone who can be what she needs.

After you've ended it with Girl #2 (not before! no cheating!), call Girl #1 and see where it goes. You've gotta try. If you don't, you'll always wonder if it could've worked, and that will ruin any other relationship you have.

You're just at the beginning of things. Take your time. There is no rush.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 06:01 pm
@Eva,
We have always agreed on this, Eva.
Good post.
0 Replies
 
inception951
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 06:55 pm
I'm not thinking about getting married anytime soon, just before I go overseas for the military when I'm about 22 because I'm going to take ROTC so I dont have forever and I want to know I have a steady girl back home. I'm not rushing its just I've always heard that people regret mostly what they didnt do rather than what they did and the margin of error for life is just so tiny if you don't time soemthing just right so I dont want to pass up something I might never get back. Also I made it clear to the 2nd girl from the beginning that we would see how dating turned out and that we could possibly break up and really be friends so I'm not leading her on.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 06:59 pm
@inception951,
You want a girl to like you and wait for you?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 07:34 pm
@inception951,
1. stop calling them girls. if you're considering marriage, it's time to start thinking of them as women.

2. break up very nicely with # 2. You're not really interested in her. Let her find a guy who truly loves her and will worship her and think about her all the time.

2. ask # 1 on a date. If she says yes (and man, this is a huge IF), take it easy, enjoy a nice date, don't put too much hope into a future with her. Just enjoy the date.

3. slow down, especially if you are planning to join the military. It is truly unfair to whatever woman you are going out with at that time to marry her just so you've got someone to leave behind. I think it's actually a bit cruel.
roger
 
  3  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 07:48 pm
@inception951,
So, it all comes down to liking other girls because they remind you of Number One, who isn't available. Don't do this to them. They probably don't deserve it.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 07:59 pm
@ehBeth,
We used to call each other girls, into our twenties. This was pre a lot of changes.

years went by, with people who were girls in my mind, not yet mature, being called women sometime later.

I understood in time and called them women too, with reservations in mind.

From this far back, I won't put a date on womanhood, but I don't think it is just a name for someone who turns eighteen.

0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Nov, 2012 11:34 pm
@inception951,
inception951 wrote:

I'm not thinking about getting married anytime soon, just before I go overseas for the military when I'm about 22 because I'm going to take ROTC...

A lot of people return from deployment changed people. It wouldn't be fair to marry someone before you went, then be different when you come home. It happens all the time, and it causes a lot of divorces.

...so I dont have forever and I want to know I have a steady girl back home...

That's very selfish. Real love isn't selfish, it's looking out for the other person first. You're concerned about having a tie to home, you're not thinking about how unfair it would be to ask someone to put their whole life on hold for you while you're gone. Your family and friends will be a tie to home, and if you love them, it will be enough.

...I'm not rushing...

Yes, you are.

...its just I've always heard that people regret mostly what they didnt do rather than what they did and the margin of error for life is just so tiny if you don't time soemthing just right so I dont want to pass up something I might never get back...

So, end things with Girl #2 and pursue Girl #1. If you don't, THAT is what you will regret.

...Also I made it clear to the 2nd girl from the beginning that we would see how dating turned out and that we could possibly break up and really be friends so I'm not leading her on...

It's different now. Things have changed since you began your relationship, and now she wants to marry you. Maybe your feelings haven't changed, but hers sure have. And now that she feels that way, you ARE leading her on if you continue to give her hope that you feel the same way.
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Nov, 2012 12:36 am
@inception951,
Both.
0 Replies
 
inception951
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Nov, 2012 09:27 am
Ok thanks for the advice everyone, but if it doesnt work out with that first girl then that can't mean that I can never go for anyone else because I will always subconsciously be looking for someone like the first girl. Also, I know a lot of guys who went overseas and came back different but their marriage is still fine so it can and does happen alot.
inception951
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Nov, 2012 09:27 am
Ok thanks for the advice everyone, but if it doesnt work out with that first girl then that can't mean that I can never go for anyone else because I will always subconsciously be looking for someone like the first girl. Also, I know a lot of guys who went overseas and came back different but their marriage is still fine so it can and does happen alot.
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Nov, 2012 12:11 pm
@inception951,
Looking at the whole glass is probably a good idea to weigh the pros and cons.

"Their marriage is still fine" is an outsider's subjective view.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Nov, 2012 12:57 pm
Why get STUCK on one girl so early in life??

Make a list of the things you like about her. Note: not her, ABOUT her i.e. blond hair, green eyes, tells jokes, likes dogs, religious, etc.

Then as you go along in life, you can be on the lookout for these qualities in other women.

0 Replies
 
 

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