6
   

hope after a difficult marriage/ divorce?

 
 
kimd07
 
Reply Wed 7 Nov, 2012 02:07 pm
i am 23 and i have a 1 year old daughter. we left her father/ my now ex husband 8 months ago and i filed for divorce. our divorce has been final for 2 weeks now. we married young (19) but we grew up together and i thought i knew him well and was in love. shortly after we got married he became verbally abusive (calling me stupid, idiot, severely threatening me, constantly belittling me). then he became physically abusive 6 months after we were married. it started with shoving and grabbing my arms roughly and yelling in my face when i said something "stupid" or "challenged" him and soon led to slapping and hitting me. he rarely apologized after and he blamed me for his actions. he'd say that if i would just shut up when he told me to or didnt say stupid things he wouldnt get so angry with me to the point of hurting me. and i somehow believed him because i valued his opinion and always admired him as a person (why i dont know). so i constantly blamed myself because i know i can be opinionated and i dont always think about things before i do them. i also had my suspicions about his fidelity. i didnt have any proof at all, i just had a feeling and he tended to be secretive but he always denied it and claimed he wasnt the type to cheat and that i should know he's not cheating because he's always very honest, sometimes brutally so. i concluded that there was no way he could treat me that way and cheat on me too. i just didnt think it was possible to have both issues in a marriage . then things started getting better (i thought). he was still verbally demeaning at times but not physically abusive for at least 7 or 8 months and we talked about having a child because he always wanted a daughter. he agreed that he still had things to work on but that he was doing better and that being a father would make him an even better man. and i convinced myself that he would make a good father and he was working on being a better husband. i really wanted to start a family. looking back i think i really longed for his approval and i thought having a child with him and being a good mother would make him happy and make him want to work even harder at being a good husband. during my pregnancy however he started to get abusive again, one time he even shoved me to the floor. he wasnt very supportive, didnt want to go with me to labor and delivery classes, and showed very little patience and compassion when i went through my mood swings. he even encouraged me to get induced because he had to start his six weeks from work because of several false labor alarms. he was always pressuring me to do something. after a difficult emergency c-section our daughter was born and he was initially helpful but everything had to be done his way, despite the fact that im her mother. he pressured me to go back to work 3 weeks after having her because we "needed the money" and "he wasnt allowed to go back to work earlier than his 6 weeks" (although he was willing to take care of her while i went to work). it became rather apparent that his parenting style was different from mine. he tended to be very rough and impatient with her even at 2 months. he wouldnt let my daughter and i bond and demanded that i keep her in the baby room almost all day (unless she "needed something")it was a very difficult time for me especially since i was going through postpartum deppression and he showed very little symapthy. soon i started to see inconsistencies and i saw a suspicious text on his phone. he continued to deny any cheating. but it was a recurring topic that led to heated arguments, until one day he got physical again for the first time since our daughter was born. he'd slapped me and i told him i was leaving and taking our daughter with me then he punched me in the stomach and dragged me down the hall, then threatened to kill us both if i left with her. i guess you could say my motherly instincts took over and i knew i had to get her out of the situation. we left one day before he came home and since ive gotten proof of him cheating and i filed for divorce. he's shown very little interest in our daughter since, which convinces me even more that im doing the right thing. i just want to know: how its possible to move on from that situation and maybe even find a great guy who actually cares about me and my daughter and who could be a great father to her? honestly he has me doubting the existence of great men all together, plus the fact that i never had a great relationship with my own father. would any man even want to date a divorced woman with a child, especially after i've been in a relationship like that and how can i know what man to trust??!
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Nov, 2012 02:54 pm
I suggest that you get into therapy or at least a women's group - so you don't go out there and hook up with ANOTHER mean, needy, wounded bird. Also, to learn how to live alone and become a complete, well adjusted, calm woman and mother.

Men are supposed to be the frosting on a well made cake. Be sure you are the best cake you can be.
kimd07
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Nov, 2012 03:02 pm
@PUNKEY,
thanx. im in therapy but i still have my bad days. i like the illustration by the way, very true
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Wed 7 Nov, 2012 03:04 pm
@kimd07,
You either admire your Father or dis-like him, either way he is the "man" that moulds you into what you perceive men to be.

If you didn't have a good relationship with your Father, and no other males were present in your life, to show you how great guys can be, should be, respectful etc then you don't know what you are looking for in a good man.

Now you do. Now you know exactly what you "do not" want in a man.

You are 23, young, baby is young and good for you to walk out. No child should be in that environment and no woman should cop that type of abuse. Nobody owns anybody you own yourself and in that, you share as two people.

Take time out for you and your baby, a good year, don't even think about dating, take this time to grow, get stronger and know what you want. And, give all that love to your baby and watch how she does the same back to you...



Chaitukpr
 
  -3  
Reply Wed 7 Nov, 2012 04:18 pm
@kimd07,
hi kim,

I am very sorry for the situation you are in. At this tender age with a baby and divorced the situation you're in moves any1 to imagine or to feel.

Few questions :

1) Do not look for any man
2) Did your husband tried to contact you later after the divorce and asked you to come back (or) did he assure you that he changed? Did it happen?
3) If he comes back to you and pleads guilty of his behavior can you accept him back atleast for your kid and considering your almost close to 5years of marriage !!!!

In any case if you believe strongly that he has moved on and is with some1 else (if you are soo sure) then probably wait for sometime to re-equip yourself and take some good break. Else, if he is willing to come back for you then probably rethink of reconciliation.

Known Devil is better than Unknown Angel..............and moreover he is your own half and your daughters father............just think....and be patient.

Pearlylustre
 
  3  
Reply Wed 7 Nov, 2012 04:48 pm
@Chaitukpr,
Here you are again advocating for women to stay in dangerous abusive relationships and risk the physical and mental health of themselves and their children. Do you have no insight, empathy, commonsense - or shame? Your views on this really are repugnant.

Congratulations Kim for having the strength to do the right thing for you and your daughter. I wish you both well.
djjd62
 
  2  
Reply Wed 7 Nov, 2012 04:57 pm
@kimd07,
PUNKEY wrote:
Men are supposed to be the frosting on a well made cake. Be sure you are the best cake you can be.


kimd07 wrote:
i like the illustration by the way, very true


as a male who's watched various types of porn i find it rather humourous
0 Replies
 
Chaitukpr
 
  -2  
Reply Thu 8 Nov, 2012 10:59 am
@Pearlylustre,
hey.....you are not here to advise me or say right/wrong of my opinions. You and me are here to advise the thread starter. Stay in your tracks. What comes in your mind you are advising..so do I.

Its upto Kim to pick which ones. Do not judge my opinion.....As much as you have right to enter threads advise people...so do I.

Thanks
Pearlylustre
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Nov, 2012 01:43 pm
@Chaitukpr,
Of course I will judge your opinion - that's how forums like this work. The only 'tracks' I have to stay in are the conditions set by the administrators. Yes, you have the right to express your ridiculous views and equally I have the right to call them for what they are.
0 Replies
 
laughoutlood
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Nov, 2012 05:27 am
@kimd07,
Quote:
how can i know what man to trust??!


be your beautiful self, you will know him eventually
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Nov, 2012 05:53 am
@laughoutlood,
How can she know that a man is not likely to turn on her after the courtship is over?
She might wish to get to know his family and how his father enacted with his mother.

Men also get their clue on how to treat their partner from the role models of their parents, so if the man parents seems to have a loving and equal relationship that is a good sign indeed.
kimd07
 
  2  
Reply Wed 14 Nov, 2012 11:10 am
@FOUND SOUL,
youre right at least i know what kind of man i dont want, lol. and i like that idea of a "good year". thanx!
0 Replies
 
kimd07
 
  2  
Reply Wed 14 Nov, 2012 11:24 am
@Chaitukpr,
i dont think thats gonna happen but i appreciate your optimism. i actually considered forgiving him and trying to stay together at least for the sake of our daughter at first when he begged me to, but on the condition that he get the help he needs and he refused to do that without me coming back first so that was a NO. before my daughter came along i thought i could handle living in that situation because i love him. but after she was born, somthing changed and i wasnt willing to put up with it anymore for my own sake and especially my daughter's sake. maybe years from now he will change but for now i dont want my daughter in such an unpredictable situation.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Nov, 2012 11:27 am
@kimd07,
Good for you - protecting yourself and your daughter is what counts here.

Take care of both of you - you're important people and you deserve to be treated well! Smile Welcome to A2K.
0 Replies
 
kimd07
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Nov, 2012 11:31 am
@BillRM,
and the funny thing about getting to know the parents is that i actually did that with my ex husbands family. our family's were friends for over 20 years. they were a great example of what a married couple should be like. it made u sick to be around them, lol. i really wanted that and was sure i would find that with their son. i was wrong, apparently it didnt rub off on him like it should've. oh well
0 Replies
 
 

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