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Tue 2 Mar, 2004 10:10 pm
I actually joined this forum to talk about this but I have been putting it off and so finally today .. well here goes .. sorry in advance if I ramble.
My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years, engaged for over a year. Last September an old girlfriend started talking with him and just by chance I found out about it. I found out that she told him she loved him still. She is in a relationship that I guess she is not happy in. I found out that my fiance (he from now on) did NOT tell her about me, did NOT tell her we were moving in together or getting married. They were emailing and chatting in this chatroom that I was also in so you can bet I made sure she found out about these things.
Long story short .. I did some things that I am NOT proud of. I snooped. And yes I found out that he has feelings for her too althought neither of them even indicate they are going to break off anything or anything like that .. they do alot of "sexy talk" and he has told her he loves her. I have never EVER been jelouse in my entire life up to now but now I have a good reason. I let my feelings be known, my suspicions be known and he has told me to my face that he loves me, wants to marry me, would never leave me for her but then I see him saying these things to her and I am going insane!! I don't know what the HELL he is thinking or her for that matter. She lives thousands of miles away so there is no chance of them meeting each other but given the chance .. I think they would and yes they would have sex.
I have known this man for a long time now and I have always thought him to be nothing but hightly honest. I have given him every opportunity to come clean .. to tell me the truth. Last weekend I even told him that if I had to give him up, I would charish our time together but that his happiness was the most important thing to me. He told me then that he would never leave me for her.
Partly what I have as MY problem is that I am in my late 30's and he is in his early 30's and I am afriad that as I get older he will regret being with me. We run a business together and I am so afraid that he feels stuck with me that if he breaks up with me that I will quit and he can't afford to hire anyone else right now. This is my own insecurities I know and he insists that he does not care about my age. I wish I could believe him and not care about him talking to this woman but I KNOW HE IS LYING!!! To both of us really as if he has no intentions of leaving me .. he is lying to her as well. WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING!!! Some days I am ok and can deal, some days like today I am practically falling apart. I have never loved someone so much and I won't give him up and I certainly won't be force in to the "bad guy" position and break up with him. I have lost weight, can't sleep, can't trust any of my closer friends not to gossip so can't talk to any other them. He is not the greatest man in the world .. can be damn hard to live with at times but .. I know alot of you will say .. just end it .. and logically I know your would probably be right but I can't .. not yet.... I am rambling now so I'll stop.
First of all, I just want to say I'm sorry, and I hope things go well. I don't have any good advice, though. He needs to be less of a jerk. If he really loves her than he should stop talking to her. If you really love someone you can't just decide to stop loving them, but you CAN decide to stop thinking about them.
Tell him how bad it makes you feel. If he loves you like he says he does, he will stop emailing and chatting sessions with this girl.
I have no wise words to help ease your pain, because this kind of relationship is foreign to me. Let things fall where they may; the important point being that you trust him. If that is ever lost, so is the relationship.
Wise words, cicerone. I had a girlfriend in highschool who got mad at me because I didn't trust her, so I asked her if I SHOULD, and she couldn't honestly say yes. And since I didn't trust her she didn't trust me, and well... I would have been better off if I'd ended it sooner. Think about the long run. Love makes us think about right now, way too much, and not enough about consequences.
Fred: I wish it was harmless .. but making telling her things that he should only say to me .. he loves me .. i am his favorite girl .. referring to meeting .. no that is not harmless.
SCoats: Thanks and yes I agree .. he is being a jerk
colorbook: I have told him and he TOLD me he had stopped talking to her but he lied.
ce: yes trust is an issue right now but as I said .. right now I cannot give up .. not yet
maybe I am just being stupid and wasting my time .. I don't know I am really very confused as must be obvious .. I do not deserver this
I'm sorry, Adamanta, but you're in a bad situation. I think you already know that. You need to save yourself.
My opinion is that he is a callow jerk and you should leave him immediately... that includes getting out of your business relationship. You've got to show him this is serious. If he cares for you, he'll come after you; if he doesn't, then you've saved yourself from a miserable existence.
Lying and having an emotional relationship with another woman should be red flags to you against a relationship with this guy. If I were you, I'd be running and ducking for cover.
I'd like to point out that you quote him as saying he'd never leave you for her, NOT that he'll leave her alone. That is what is necessary and it doesn't sound like it's in his plans. Why should it be if you're willing to put up with his philandering even before you're married?
There really are some great guys out there, don't settle for less.
Perhaps he just has some reservations about committment, which he needs to work out. The girl I mentioned I loved so much that I honestly believed there was no way we would not end up together, right up until I was marrying someone else. I wasn't attracted to her any more, and I hadn't seen her in so long, it was more like a state of mind that hit me. And it was confusing. I had the perfect girl for me, whom I loved, and she loved me, and yet I was thinking about a horrible relationship, which ended years ago. It wasn't that I didn't want to marry who I did, it's just I was confused about how I had been SO sure about someone else at some point. Maybe he's just confused...
Reservations about commitment doesn't mean that he lies and continues on relationships with women that his fiance doesn't approve of. Especially when they're ex-flames.
If'n'it was me, I'd be over the horizon. Better to cut your losses now and pay a bit, then to wait and pay a lot more later.
I agree with what piffka said, only I would add to make changes re your business relationship first, that is, secure another situation for yourself or shore up your position within your present situation. This is not the person to be dependent on for both work and romantic sustenance.
As to being in your late thirties, well, that is older from one point of view and just beginning to mature from another. If only everyone who was 36 or 46 could view themselves as those of 58 see them.... Never mind age. Think of cowering for years lest a lover disappear when you age. What a waste of time (from my point of view). If he does, he has low ability to discern a valuable woman.
I'm with osso and Piffka and, not to make you any more nervous, but if he's lying about the romantic relationship, is he perhaps less than truthful about your commercial relationship? Argh, I just see this as a red flag situation all around. After all, if he's talking about meeting her, and she's miles and miles away, what's to stop him from dipping into petty cash in order to buy a plane ticket? After all, anyone can be traveled to in this day and age. Why not him traveling to her? Miles truly don't matter, except that it's more expensive. And, what's to stop her from flying to where you are? If they connect, if they see each other, it sounds like they'd be interested in hooking up. And, well, if he's this way with someone that far away, what about with women who are closer geographically? What's to stop him from flirting with the girl at the dry cleaner, or a woman he sees at the drug store?
There's being afraid of commitment (hey, that happens), but there's also a lack of respect. He's telling you one thing and telling her another. Would he give up chatting with her for good if you put your foot down? Would he continue to do so even if he said he'd quit? These are questions you need to ask yourself, and I'm afraid you may not like the answers.
Echoing the rest. If you tell him not to speak to her and he still does, well, there you have it.
Cheating is more than a sexual relationship - it's an emotional one. If he's telling this girl he loves her and is sneaking around to talk to her, he's cheating on you. I don't know about you, but my fiance doesn't get to love any woman but me. If he does, she can have him. I'm selfish that way. But I keep the house for my troubles
If you "won't give him up" as you state, then you are going to marry a man that you don't trust and who can't see anything wrong with cheating on you and carrying on emotional affairs behind your back. You're making your bed and you can blame yourself if you stay with him.
Advice to A.......
In your own chosen Winston Churchill quote, change "men" to "women" and very slowly re-read it about a dozen times.
After that, meditate on the word "hurry".
Then wonder why you chose that particular quote and ask yourself what it's trying to tell you.
Well I want you all to know that I do appreciate your opinions and know that in some way shape or form .. you are all right. I KNOW what many people would do in my position but I also know myself and I know that at least for now I am going to stick it out, take it day by day and see what happens over the next few weeks etc. I have invested too much to let someone thousands of miles away wreck my relationship. I WILL fight for him. How .. I am not so sure how. Logic is right out the door for me right now .. I guess I just need to vent and rage and talk about it. As I said I have no one close to me that I can trust not to gossip which makes it very hard on me.
Thanks again and I guess i'll keep you posted
Do you want some good advice? Some day when you're feeling really mad at him, go up and punch him in the face. or knee him in the gut. That will show him it's serious. Umm... but I don't really KNOW if that's good advice.
SCoates wrote:Do you want some good advice? Some day when you're feeling really mad at him, go up and punch him in the face. or knee him in the gut. That will show him it's serious. Umm... but I don't really KNOW if that's good advice.
not so much no .. I have wanted to of course .. who wouldn't .. more often I have wished her dead and really meant it .. that upsets me.
*sigh*
Adamanta wrote: I have invested too much to let someone thousands of miles away wreck my relationship.
The person who has already ruined your relationship is the person you're with, not the person thousands of miles away. Don't put the blame on her, she's not the one in a relationship with you. She's not the one lying to you. Tough to face up to, but that's the truth as you've presented. The liar is the one you're choosing to fight for.
When I clicked on your post, Adamanta, from my email update, I was trying to formulate an answer, find the right words to cover my point of view. The words arrived soon after, when I read ehBeth's succinct post.... she said what I was figuring out how to say.
Re: I am so afraid!!!
I havent read all the posts...but i certainly agree with the ones that say to leave him. If this really is a worthwhile realtionship and if he really does care about you the way he says he will chase after you and beg for your forgiveness. Let him beg..and realize how he screwed up big time...and make him promise he will not talk to her anymore. If this happens you can be sure that he really did care for you and that you no longer have to worry about her.
If on the other hand he doesnt chase after you..just be glad you left when you did..b/c you don't want to waste another minute on him.
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