14 year boy AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!

<nods>

I'm thinking ... poor you ... and poor kid.

Sorry, Montana, I just felt a little ganged up on.

You know, with the aunt thing, he sounds more disturbed than just rebellious. I don't think a normal person would do that. I mean, someone who is mentally healthy. Force him to see a psychiarist. That will humble him.

Poor everyone, indeed.

Though I have little patience for your willfully oblivious husband.

That's wonderful that you are going to counselling, euchrelover.

It sounds like Zach has had a very difficult life, and it is perhaps unsurprising that he would have behavior issues, attachment issues, impulse control issues, whatever issues he has. The counsellor will be able to recommend ways to get him the help he needs, and take some of the (enormous) burden off of you.

Taping the bad behavior would be an interesting starting point with your husband but could well backfire. I don't think he actually lacks the information that his son does these things. I think he is just refusing to acknowledge it. A tape would force that, but since he is obviously so resistant, the very forcing may well cause a lot of anger and resentment on his part.

Everyone in this story has their own hurts and insecurities, and it will be a difficult job to get everyone feeling secure again. It can be done, though, with a lot of hard work on everyone's part.

Good luck.

This is, indeed, a very sad and difficult situation.

I am not at all surprised that Zach is behaving as he is, given what sounds like a hellish life that he has had. Do you know about what his life has been like? How he was treated by his mother? It sounds as though part of what is happening is that you are being punished for whatever her shortcomings are.

It was kind of you to take zach into your home. What, I wonder, were your feelings about doing this? What did you feel towards Zach before he came into your home?

This does not, of course, mean that his behaviour should be condoned.

It sounds as though your husband is in denial about Zach - presumably the implications of Zach's behaviour make him feel bad in some way - perhaps he feels bad for not having intervened to take Zach away a long time ago? I don't know. Have you been able to discuss his feelings about Zach and what has happened to him in his life in a calm and caring way?

I certainly do not think that farther brutalizing Zach in any way is going to solve anything!

In fact, harsh unishment is strongly contra-indicated by research for these kids, especially.


That being said, it is difficult to know how anything can really be attempted while your husband and you are not united. I also know - from experience - how this situation of feeling unsupported by a child's father can make one feel very angry and bitter - feelings that can be taken out on the kid in the form of noticing only what he does wrong. I do not know if this is a factor at all in your situation?

Hearing you and your husband fighting isn't going to be helping your little one, either - sigh.

Have you been able to let him know calmly how desperate and distressed you are feeling, and how much you need his support - not to be awful to Zach, but to help him learn how to be. I am wondering if your husband is unconsciously trying to "balance" what he may see as your hostility to Zach (not understanding your level of distress, or feeling helpless about it) by his softness? If he is, this tends to increase over time - as you try to make up for your husband's lack of discipline in your turn.

Could you, I wonder, print out this thread and show it to your husband - or show it online - and just leave him alone for a while to read it? I wonder if that might help to open up non-fighting communication between you both, as he sees how different people have responded?

I am not sure what Zach actually DOES to you. I wonder if you could give more details? Perhaps we can think of some creative consequences for his behaviour - sounds as though what you have tried so far is not working really well - especially as you ar egetting to look like the bad, mean guy all the time.

I assume, of course, that he is receiving pleasant consequences for any times that he treats you well?????

I think the embarrass him threat is a great one to extract the apology! No violence, no meanness - just a sincere concern that he learns to do the right thing - presumably because you CARE about him, and how he turns out. I bet his mother never cared enough to do a such a thing, right? Of course, if he is able to give the apology himself (presumably you can ask the teacher to let you know?) then that is a great thing to do - to face up to his actions - and you can be proud of him.

Just a few thoughts...

all i can say is i am so ready to send them both out the door. We can't talk about Zach any more. He says i base my life all around him and don't let anything go, my say on that is yes i agree with him, but it wouldn't have to be that way if he stepped up and did the right the instead of letting all things go. yes he is to soft and I'm making up for it. I am the problem in both their eyes and if that is how it is then go have a happy life somewhere else, because my son and were happy before they came in of our life, and now we are both miserable. I only push for the right thing to be done, because if it's not taking care of it will become a bigger problem, my husbands see's that now, and he don't know how to handle it, i say that's why im here so we can make a decicion together, not what i say is. I am an annalist he knew that before we got married i look at all ways of why it happened, most of the time im right on with why it did. I don't know I was 19 years old and bought house still have it, Im ready to take my house back to have a peaceful life again, I know it may not be the answer but if i let Zach go back to his mom's, am i going to have the same problems with my husband when my son is that age. It's two against one here and im tired just so tired...... thanks again for listening and your support. Im ready to check in to a mental place to be peaceful, but can't leave my son with these two. lack of trust there too..................

euchrelover--

You sound stressed out. Is there anywhere you can go for a few days (with your son) to take a breather and let the situation cool off?

At present you are not doing Zach any good. Your husband seems content with the status quo (unless you mention the status quo). Your son is not happy and neither are you.

Zach will not become your husband's problem until your husband admits there is a problem. As long as you are the buffer (and the punching bag) your husband can dodge reality.

Mr. Noddy has a very colorful extended family. One of his courtesy nieces (let's call her Petunia) has four out-of-wedlock children under the age of six.. They are not married because the potential mother-in-law wants her son to marry a Catholic.

This same mother-in-law thought it would be a dandy idea if her out-of-control 14-year-old younger moved in with his older brother. The paramour/stud agreed.

Petunia was helpless to prevent her brother-in-law taking up residence, but every night at bedtime, Petunia picked up the car keys and a pillow and blanket and spent the night in the family car.

After a week, brother-in-law moved back home.

Complaining is getting you nowhere. Action is indicated. Good luck.

Hold your dominion.

I think Noddy has something. Perhaps if your husband had to deal with Zach 24 hours a day, he might get a clue about what the kid is like and think differently on how to handle him. I would bet that Zach wouldn't retain the good kid routine he presently does in front of your husband. If you can, you and your 4 year old should take some time away from home. Do you have relatives you can stay with for a week?

That might be a goer - also, as it stands, Zach is collecting angst not only about his behaviour, but about yours and your husband's relationship - something needs to change...

I have problems with my stepson. He did some damage on a school bus back in 2000 and in order for him to remain getting the bus I had to travel on it with him as well as attend all his classes with him. When boarding the bus on the first day I immediately picked a seat and my stepson walked by as if to pick another seat. It's not cool to sit with your parent on the bus. I spoke in a "loud" voice and said if I've got to get on this bus every morning because of YOU, you're sitting with me. I sat in his classes with him (he's in Grade 6 at this time) and although ADHD kicked in several times, I kept him focused. If ever I knew that I didn't want to be a school teacher, that was the moment. By the end of the day (each day) I was too tired to cook, clean.... move! After a few weeks, he changed his tune. I made it a point to let every student know that if you don't want this to happen to you..... sit down, shut up and do what your told!

I would definetly recommend the going to school with them. Call their bluff and prove to them you'll do whatever it takes.

The most important person here is your 4 year old son! Leave before he gets hurt or becomes just like this kid. If your husband does not beleive you when you tell him what goes on then your husband is a fool for not beleiving his wife. get out now.