what do you do about a hurtful mother?

I assure you,will wait,but only as a last resort.i will try my plan to get it to work.it may not be smart,but ive been trying to be smart for a long time.i deserve to get a little reckless.

But she "did" love you and was respectable... Is it this man that changed her way of thinking? Also a persons up-bringing can influence how they are, if her family are selfish, then she has learnt those traits as well.

I know you are only 16, firstly, you are quite mature and grown up, in your thought proccesses for the most part, well done. Secondly though, she is in the wrong big time, when someone has a weakness, you can either, keep it at that level, bring it down further, or lift it up and change it for the better.

You had a relationship at some stage. Maybe, you have to be the strong one and instead of letter her be that bad mother, talking you down, because her heart is broken of this scum... Be the Adult and try to bring her out of it, with your love you never know, she may just realise you are more important after all and she was wrong.

Great advise FS

,he had changed the very way our home operated.she became lenient,too forgiving,doing whatever he wanted,changing the very way we were brought up to please him.and i did love her at some point(although i never liked her)all i did was try to bring her love out for me-back when i wanted it.(that was when i was 13-14) i may hace tried too hard and too soon to try and win her back.but im not going to try again.its something i just cant bear to go through again.my strength seems to be wavering,and the only thing keeping me from offing myself are the few people i know id like to live for.(my sister,my friend and her family,and my boyfriend whos been my rock since the incident.he was 11 and i was 12,we were friends then.) I cant go through trying to fight for her sanity back.im loosing the will to fight for myself.

Ok. Well at some stage this rift will be mended remember that..

If you don't feel strong enough to "fight" for a Mother and Daughter relationship that once was, then she probably doesn't either.. She is down, you are down..

Do me a favour though.. Just say these words to her .. "I love you Mum".........

....i do sometimes,but only because she says it first.i make sure i sound honest.because i know she wants me to be. ive never been an affectionate person in general, ive always been aloof and reserved,so she doesnt see a differenence from the old me and the new me now. i dont want her to.not yet.

and i truly believe that this rift will mend.but only halfway.as to say, she may be forgiven but never trusted.

You sound similar as to how you have been describing your mother, You must have picked this up from your environment. If there is going to be a change in your daughters life "If you ever you have one" you will need to find away to forgive and try to be more humble yourself or you and your own daughter will conflict badly when she becomes a teen but surly it will not be the main conflict that you have shared with us.

"You sound similar as to how you have been describing your mother, You must have picked up from your environment. If there is going to be a change in your daughters life "If you ever you have one" you will need to find away to forgive and try to be more humble yourself or you and your own daughter will conflict badly when she becomes a teen but surly it will not be the main conflict that you have shared with us. "


i think i have.seems like the apple doesnt fall far from the tree(at least in that instantce) huh? no dbout ive picked up her distrust.luckily,im more like my father,and my distrust can be overcome by the right person(people) like my friend, boyfriend,my friend's family and soforth.it balances out a little.hopefully if i do have a daughter, ill be able to have a bond with her,and as you said,be more humble and forgiving.after all...shed be my daughter....and id love her.and i wouldnt do anything my mother had did to jepordize that.even though i dont have one, i wouldnt want to hurt her in any way.my daughters love would be deeper than any realationship with a lover.(even though i love my boyfriend,i tried putting myself in my moms place in the same situation,and i could never picture myself choosing him,no matter how much i love him.maybe its because i know the feeling of betrayl,or maybe its common sense,either way,i couldnt do it.

I hate to say it but sometimes it takes these evil acts to show us a better way because some times we are plain stupid when it comes to making the right choice.



I bet your mother had the same intentions as well but something happened. I can only guess, I know this might sound crazy but your mother is how ever her brain works and I would not hold her totally accountable for her actions but we do have to protect ourselves from the bad actions that people do.

i do agree.i do not blame her entirely. and i do admit that this incident has taught me how to be a mother, better person in general.i will try to protect my future family from this.i really will.after experincing evertything firsthand,i will try to make sure i dont make this kind of mistake.

i know i cant be completely powerful overall,because i am still an everyday woman.ive always wondred where true love and family love divided,but the line is clearer than ever.given the circumstances,i want to always be on the right side,since doing the right thing can waver between the sides.

magic,

I only said, "say you love her, to her" for one reason. God forbid but things happen in life and when there is a rift, people regret never saying those words, yet said, people can feel at peace.

You have every right not to trust her, I am just hopeful one day, she will say "sorry" for letting you down and not focusing on what was important, you, instead of him.

The scissors thing was a speculum....I always think of it as a duck-billed thing...but I'm weird.

It has two duck bill looking sides and is used for all vaginal examinations pretty much.

It is inserted closed, with lubrication, and can be expanded once inside....it just allows the doctor to look at your vagina and the opening of your cervix...which they can't do without it, because the vagina is stretchy and is pretty much closed unless something stretches it. Just look up vaginal examination or speculum if you want to know more.

For rape examinations, though they differ from place to place, the doctor is first and foremost making sure you are ok physically and don't need treatment. Occasionally rapes cause physical damage.

They are also looking for any trauma which could corroborate your story....though many rapes don't cause trauma and consensual sex can.

They normally take swabs to detect semen (which can be used for DNA comparison and to check for any sexually transmitted diseases the rapist might have given you (fortunately rare)

Some places use colposcopes, which are usual in examinations for all manner of other reasons too. They just magnify what the doctor can see....so they can pick up evidence not visible to the naked eye.

They usually take blood, to check for stuff like HIV and Hepatitis , which you clearly don't have.

They normally examine you all over...to make sure you are ok and to check for any physical signs that may support, or contradict, your story or any trace evidence the offender may have left.....nothing like the TV shows suggest...

They usually pluck a few hairs to or take a mouth swab, to exclude your DNA from any they find from the offender.

They usually take your clothes too.

You know, I don't know if this is so where you live, but where I live, rape services are very happy to see people down the track to explain all the processes and to discuss medical findings.

You were a kid when this happened....and highly traumatized. Adults don't take it all in, much less a kid. If you feel it would help to get more info, I'd check. I don't know the law where you are, but where I live you are entitled to a confidential health service....except if you are being abused, or are a danger to yourself or others.

I bet you could call where you were seen anonymously and check out their policy.

Re forgiveness....that's up to you. I believe personally that, when we are ready, it is healthier for us to not focus on resentment and anger.....I think that's a hell of a way away for you to even think about.

If your mum comes out of her current state of denial and acknowledges the hurt she has done to you....well, a good relationship with our mums is great....if it feels right.

Again, down the track for you.

You have a lot of processing time ahead of you.

Oh....I'd be surprised if you couldn't speak to a duty worker at whatever is your local child protection authority, or legal service, anonymously and find out what would need to happen before you could move in with the family you are thinking of.....just be careful....if you are reasonably safe right now you don't know exactly what the future holds if you do move out.

I can't give any advice because I have no real idea what the circumstances are....but do be cautious and try to take all sides into account.

I am sorry you are in such a situation.

Edit: by the way, did you know that hymens have enormous natural variation, from pretty much nothing, to being very pronounced and covering a lot of the vaginal opening.

Also, they get broken quite naturally by all kinds of things that you might do.....have a look on the net if you are interested. They really aren't necessarily the big deal physically or forensically that popular beliefs make them out to be.

Your mother is the one with the problem not you. I don't know how anyone can put their own pleasures over the needs of their children. As a child you needed to be brought up in a safe, secure, loving environment. Your mother failed in that, and may not have been to blame, but she's certainly to blame for her behaviour post the event.

If he won't be out until you're 27 then RL is right, leave it until you're an adult and get out. Then let your mother know that she won't be seeing you or any future grandchildren if she continues seeing this man. Your mother is being extremely selfish.

Once you're 18 I don't see why you can't let everyone know the truth. You may think your dad might be a bit hotheaded, but if the criminal is in jail, he won't be able to do anything about it, and given enough time he may see the wisdom in allowing the law to run its course.

im sure she will say sorry.however, i fee it wont be anytime soon...

to what you said earlier,when i was examined, i dont remember if they examined me full-body,but i do remember the vaginal examination,and them taking my clothes.(they asked if i wanted them back,but i quickly said no)but everything that was done,for the most part, i remember.

im not exactly sure how i could get the athorities attention,besides having my friend take me to her place and making my mom come get me.(i cant drive,and i wouldnt know where to start.just getting out of the bad area of town i live in would be difficult altogether with no transportation.and my mother wouldnt take me)it feels like the safest option,since she offered.she actually gave me the idea.

about the hymen,i have heard it can be broken,like you said,buy all kinds of things,but im highly unsure if i even have mine or not.(my mother assumed i didnt since i wasnt hurt in the process,and i heard getting it broken usually hurts)but now im a bit confused about where it actually is.as in, im not sure how far down it is.my friend claimed she saw hers,but i wasnt even aware it could be seen.im not even sure how you can tell what kind you have.all i know about the hymen is that its there,and its a thin wall inside.

i dont know if i have the heart to tell him.my father is a good man,and it would crush him to know what had been done,and how noone told him.especially my mother.he thinks the world of me,i dont want to hurt him,but i KNOW he needs to know.

Listen to Dlowan re the hymen. Well, also about everything else ; ). I agree with all her points on this thread.

I believe this is a pap smear, which is part of a gynecological exam.

This is such a difficult situation to be in, I'm sorry you're in it, magicstorm.

The offer to live with your friend's family sounds like it might be your best way out right now, even if your mom puts up some resistance.

I believe that you can try to become emancipated from your mom if she puts up too much resistance -- go to court and make it so that she no longer has legal say over what you do.

Are your friend's parents willing to be your advocates, if it comes to that?

to be honest,i dont know.im 70% sure,but if it comes to that,i wouldnt ask them to go that far.id just return home.after all,this is my problem.