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Sun 7 Oct, 2012 02:54 am
Im 16 and a girl.and i hate my mother,with a passion.i tried to be reasonable and human,but she has made it impossible.and i need advice.
4 years ago when i was 12,i was sexually assaulted by my mothers boyfriend.(ive been discouraged by her from calling it 'rape' because my hymen wasnt busted in the process of penetration).he told me not to tell,and when he and i wre close enough to the screen door, i walked slowly over, then bolted. i ran to a neighbors house when he wad looking for me (he was drunk) and my neighbor hid me( im not religious,but bless her heart) she called my mom,who picked me up,and dragged me back to the house with her so she could confront him with me there.you can imagine how terrified i was.i dont remember very much,but i remember mumbling to myself 'she wont believe me,theyll think im lying,theyll hate me' and going to get a (painful) paphsmere(?) That night.
Things went on the way they should,i went to court,i got checked out,went to a therapist,and hes in jail.i felt...how should i put it,...loved by the people who fought for me.they were friendly and i could be open with them.however i felt no safety with my own mother.shed ask me what happened,prying at me yill i cried,telling me not to tell a soul about what happened.she eventually got me to tell her that i was hurt during it, and told me to tell the lawyers that it didnt 'go in' enough for it to technically be rape because i still had my hymen.apparently,if my hymen had been busted,it wouldve been rape.and that added 5 years to his sentence.i didnt tell them,mainly because i had no idea what a hymen was,and i felt that if i was violated it didnt matter.she guilted me saying god wouldnt want me to send a man to jail for something he didnt do.but i never did.i feel that...it didnt matter.
Of course,after a few momths i realized it had nothing to do with god.she wanted to shave the years off because she planned to marry him very soon.i tried to forgive her for her mistakes in the past,but it hurt me that she still wanted anything to do with him,but i tried to be human and say she could do what she wanted,since dropping feelings for someone cant just happen cold turkey.that was 4 years ago.shes still in love with him,talks to him,and takes my little sister to visit him in jail.shes in denial,thinking its ok to tell her family members he says 'hi' and think they wont feel akward when im right there.everyone tries to be sensitive to me,afraid to hurt my feelings, treating me like i have a virus. they do it because they know my mother is still doing it.ive pleaded BEGGED for her to stop,but she and i get into a fight,she tries to tone it down with a joke,but shes in denial,and everyone know.ive talked to a counselor who says i should go to Daybreak(a kids shelter) if i feel uncomfortable at home.i wanna move in with my friend,she and her family said its ok.
ive been confused for years(emotionally, and sexually),and ive been trying to put this stuff behind me.but its hard,with her still openly showin affection for him.and one time, something starled me.a girl said she had had the same thing happen to her,and her words were."you just laid there and let him do it? he didnt rape you,you didnt fight back,you LET him do it." of course we were 13,so i figure there was so much we didnt know about anything.but last week the topic of rape came up(which doesnt bother me whatsoever) and one girl turned around and asked'if you were gonna get raped,what would you do?' i answered shyly that i didnt know,and she said'i would run.i mean,i think rape is funny.because whoever is dumb enough to just lay there and get raped is stupid.why not fight back?' obviously,that isnt any easy answer. i stayed still because i wanted to live.being raped and killed goes hand in hand alot,an d mostly because its to keep the victim from telling or escaping.i wanted to LIVE.but i couldnt tell her that.after all, its not something to boast about.
the bottom line, i wana know,was i wrong for not shaving the extra years off?(ive heard that when your drunk,you judgement is gone,not you entirely,but still im getting mixed messages about wether or not if what i did was ok,or fine)wht were those girls said true? i have my reason for being because i wanted to live,but was the bottom line 'i LET him do it?' and what about my mother? what do i do about her? is it ok to feel what i feel? did i do the right thing at all?
@anna9,
i finished more of it, sorry my phone had died...
@magicstorm101,
Can you go live with your father, or another trusted adult relative? Or at least talk to them.
Talking to us is all well and good but there's very little we can do.
No, you weren't wrong, and yes, you were raped.
Your mother's behavior is, sadly, often seen in these kinds of situations.
@jespah,
i know noone here can help me...but i need some sort of closure and honest advice.i cant get that from the people i know.im not saying i completely trust everyone i meet online.its just people who dont know me are more likely to give me their genuine opinions/advice.
And no i cant.my reletives have that sneaky,deceving(dont ask dont tell/none of my buisness) attitude.they kinda hate one another,and sont 'have room' foe me.my friends parents are sweet 'hippie folk' who said i could stay as long as i need,however i must have my mothers permission to avoid them being potentially sued for child kidnapping.understandable,but im
possible to get permission from her.from whay ive told you,you can tell she would be difficult.
As for my father he doent know,because everyone in her family knew he would try to kill him if he found out.they arent protecting him,theyre protecting my dad from going to jail too.however i couldve told him once he was gone,but im not allowed to tell my dad.my mother is afraid that hell get mad at her and hate her.so i had to tell him they broke up.it hurts me.the only person who i know will show genuine concern and fight to the death for me,doesnt evwn know.it would be impossible trying to tell him now,and im afraid what my mom would do,since its been so long.
@magicstorm101,
In no jurisdiction that I know of does a hymen have anything to do with whether you are raped or not.....if you are unfortunate enough to live in such a jurisdiction, you say you were "checked out"? I assume that means medically? If so, the doctor would have reported about your hymen and any other medical evidence, not you.
When is he due to get out, do you know?
I would hope that the local child protection authorities would forbid your mother to have him anywhere near you or your sister?
@dlowan,
I dont know if they actually go by hymen,but i know that since i didnt explain it very well that that is what they put,which added five years.yes,i was checked out.i had a paphsmere(?) That day,although im not entirely sure what she found.i never asked,but i wasnt hirt in the process,so im guessing not. And He has a 15 year sentence.(hes done other crimes from getting drunk before,but idk what they were.too young to actually care then)And my mother plans to marry him once hes out.my sister will be mostly grown by the time he returns, but i dont want her to be involved with him.she doesnt know either.(shes too young to have to know what happened.and i know my mom will throw a fit if i get my sister to believe hes a bad person)
@ossobuco,
What would the solution be then? My father knows nothing about it,and i couldnt tell him.and he cant care for me financially.(he cant even pay child support because he has vry little money.i believe hes a scrap metal sorter) i could live with my friend,her parents approved,(theyre like my family) but id need permission from my mom,which obviously wont go over well.and things have been quiet for the past few months lately.shell think im trying to stir up trouble.i pretend everything is fine,but i think about this stuff weekly.she figures since i laugh and pretend,that my anger is water under the bridge.im not sure how to bring up living with my friend without her bringing out how life at work is horrible because everyone knows(its a family buisness)and how she has to take depression pills to get through it.(she says she doesnt blame me,but but it sounds like she is) do you have any advice on how to control the conversation?
@magicstorm101,
You had a colposcopy, which is an examination under magnification. You would also have been checked for sexually transmitted diseases and had a pregnancy test, if the doctor followed most protocols. They would also have checked for semen and other forensic traces.
Believe me, they go by the medical evidence unless you live somewhere with no proper forensic protocols.
Sounds like he's an ongoing offender and that was taken into account in sentencing.
If you have lied about anything, that is a different story. However, if you didn't, you need to get stronger and stop letting your mother's bizarre, but sadly not unique, loyalty to this criminal predator affect you. She's doing gymnastics in her head to blind herself to what she is doing to you and potentially your sister.
You said you had therapy...can you go back there and talk this out properly?
@dlowan,
I agree with Dlowan on the counseling, seeing a professional and talking out what happened and what your choices are.
I'm not optimistic on the possibility of your getting through to your mother (perhaps Dlowan knows more about that) and I don't know about the age that you would be able to stay with your friend and her mother without your mother's permission.
I'm not optimistic either about your going to juvenile care, how wise or unwise that might be versus your sticking it out at home until you are free to move without her permission, and continuing with counseling.
I'm not a professional in these matters.
You seem like a strong person, even with all the things you are dealing with. I wish you, and your sister, well.
@dlowan,
No,i havent lied about anything.i just didnt explain what i felt during he assault very well.( i had trouble giving exact details,and they asked if i felt pain and i said no.they did do a cotton swipe,and put these..sort of clamps that opened like scissors.i wish i knew more,about what exactly happened but i tried not to learn anything beyond what i knew because my mom would pry at me to tell her everything the prosecuters and i talked about.i cant see a therapist anymore because we dont have the money.(when i did see one,i didnt tell her much because i felt fine later on.)plus id have trouble explaining to my mother why id want one.she likes to know everything ive said,asking the therapist,then prying at me about what i said in the car.i could say its for school issues but they have a councelor at school so she wouldnt go for that.and the councelors only option for me was to go to a child shelter and talk to their councelor(but id have to stay 4 nights first)
@magicstorm101,
Magic,
It is very selfish of your mother, denial or no denial, you are her daughter and I appreciate that she accepts that it happened but she is standing more up for this man than she is for you, Mother's are supposed to protect their children, love their children above all.
I guess your Mother is only concerned with feeling love herself and not giving it out which is a shame.
I can't recall if you actually did advise as to when he gets out of jaol? But, you have a sister, younger than you... I wouldn't want him any where near her, how old is she now?
You know your friends that state they would "Fight" it's all talk hun. When put into a situation you do what you do, to survive.. And, that is what you did.. I am sure if put into that situation their instincts would end up the same as yours to LIVE... People can talk about what they might do or want to do but what they will do, is completely different.
Your councellor talked about a shelter. I would go there to start with, I really would. You need closure and living this type of life with your Mother isn't giving it to you. Having to lie and lie, isn't helping you at all. Soon you will be old enough to live with your friend without permission from your Mother.
We can not change our past, we can not change a person. We can change how we live our lives in the present and have a better future.
@ossobuco,
I know id need people i know to sign a sort of petition saying that im capable of staying with someone without my mothers permission,but that requires family members to sign it(and they want nothing to do with the issue)so thats out.i feel like i should just run away to my friends house.maybe that way i can get some sort of leadway in this issue,sending a signal to my mom so i can say how i feel,and why i wanna leave.
And i thank you for your wishes.i hope we do well.
@FOUND SOUL,
My sister is 10 now and shed be...21? When he gets out i believe(because id be 27).i dont have very much to worry about then,and id definetly alert her sometime soon about what happened to me.i dont want her being encouraged to act like my mom.( which the rape she dis not except right away.she asked was i sure,was i paying attention,and am i covering for a boyfriend.this went on for a month.(which was incredibly hurtful,and a little rediculous,but still)she seemed more out of it than i was.staring into space and taking depression pills,more shocked that he had done it,than what had been done to me.which i knew was a bad sign.
Im afraid of the shelter.my cousin went,and she said she never wanted to go back.im afraid of being with strangers.i figure i would just run away to my friends house(not to stay right then) but just to alert to my mom im not happy and that i want to stay with my friend.then maybe shed reluctantly give me permission.or decide to see a councelor with me.talking to her straightforward doesnt work,so this will get her attention.(my friend will just pick me up in her car,i wouldnt travel on my own)
@magicstorm101,
Well, firstly I am glad she will be 21.. But that means he has 11 years more to go, I can only hope that your Mother wakes up in those 11 years.
I would not tell your sister until she is mature enough to handle the conversation hun.
And, I don't know whether running away will give you the "love" you are craving from your Mother and understanding.. I left home at 14,15,16... I tried your tactic too, but each time it made my Mother angrier because it meant that I had told these Mothers that I didn't want to live at home.. My parents were not bad they were way over-protective, way that's all.. I think you may find she may react the same way especially if she is in depression.
Surely there is a family member that can sit down with you both and you can talk it out as "Adults" as some of your family is aware of all of this..
@magicstorm101,
I think that you should go back to the councilor and listen to what she has to say.
It is sad that your mother is being the way she is but it is not unusual for some women to be in denial. I would not stay in the same house with him if your mother wants to take him back and a councilor should advise your mother that if it happens to your sister that she will go to jail herself for child neglect.
Quote:My sister is 10 now and shed be...21? When he gets out i believe(because id be 27)
I missed that part.
@FOUND SOUL,
Im not looking for her love anymore.just her legal approval.ive given up on ever getting that back when i realized how truly weak she was in something like this.i had to be the strong one and deal with her.i always saw her as a strong respectable and loving woman(as most mothers are.as the meaning of mother should include.) And the family is known for being evasive and selfish.they merely try not to upset ME but pick on my mother(which makes its way back to me.they instigate.not help.safly theyr alot alike so family cant help and they wont.if they were responsible adults i wouldnt even be seeking help...i wish i didnt have to.i get my affection from my friend's family.(i was surprised at how many kids they consider to be like their own children,even moe surprised i was one of them.they give me a sense of true family.something i cant get from my own.(and something my mother cant either and is trying to get from that man)the entire family is like her.im only one peice of the puzzle.sitting down and talking wpuld never happen.
@reasoning logic,
Well,he cant come back untill his sentence is up.and idk how to get any child services attention except to go over my friends house and FORCE her to worry.
@magicstorm101,
I wish you the best of luck but it seems that you are in a position that you may need to ride out for 2 more years or until you are 18 then you will be free to do what ever you wish.
Try to find happiness within yourself and if it is possible try and find some way to forgive your mother for her extreme ignorance. We all get things wrong but your mother seems to be taking it to the limit by continuing to see this man in jail.
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