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We broke up because she wasn't over her ex

 
 
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 12:40 pm
We were friends at the time when her and her ex broke up June this year after 17 months. I really liked her when she was still in her relationship, but I buried my emotions away because she was still with him.

After they broke up I was the first to know, I comforted her all night and made sure she was okay. We started to get close and after a month or so and a few cute dates later, we became a couple at the start of August. This was my first relationship. I really fell for her, and things we going great. We were both happy with where things were going. She is an amazing girl and the one I had been looking for. Another month later and we got closer, in the sexual way. Although we never had sex during the relationship, we still did things.

Anyway, the trouble started where she when to a party that her ex was going to. On that night her ex slept with another woman - On of her best friends, known as 'Girl' in this story as I don't want to say her name . She told me this had happened and she was really upset about it, (I mean really, really upset) which made me wonder. She hides her emotions very well, but I can always tell when something is wrong. I came to the conclusion that she still had feelings for him, and seeing him with another girl broke her. Things didn't seem right for about over a week, and then I got the text that no guy wants to see. I got this 2 days ago.

- "umm, can I speak to you tomorrow?"

I said yeah sure.

A few minutes later I get this:

- "uhh can I call you?" This was close to midnight, it had to be urgent. I
already knew what was going to happen.

I agreed. She called. A weird silence for a while, we both knew what was about to happen. She then said, with emotion in her voice:

- "I don't think this is working" ... "I'm sorry"

We spoke for a minute.. I asked What went wrong, to which she said

- "I would be lying if I said the 'girl' thing didn't upset me"

I already knew this. I said "Yeah... I kinda guessed"

A strange silence passed, she kept saying "I'm sorry" blah blah, we said goodbye and that was that. I then text her saying that I had fun, and that she was a really nice girl and that I hope things get better, I then thanked her. She admitted that she wasn't happy with the whole 'girl' and ex thing. We said we still want to be friends, and said goodnight.

I really miss what we had. I haven't been able to control my emotions and I've found myself crying a lot. Going to 6th Form the next day was really tough as we hang out together. I cried again on the way home.

I still love her.

I need some advise. I've never felt this way before. She said she was happy with what we had, I'd done nothing wrong and that she just wasn't over her ex yet.

Should I wait it out a while, rebuild our friendship and try again for a relationship later down the line? Give her some time to get over what has happened between her ex? My friends have suggested this too, and said that we were good together and should try again.

I was so happy with her. What do I do?
 
View best answer, chosen by dannyboy99
jespah
  Selected Answer
 
  5  
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 02:44 pm
It's been, what, less than half a week? Of course you're feeling lousy. But, congratulations. You felt something. Therefore, it meant something to you. I am not being facetious here. It is a thoroughly appropriate set of emotions you're feeling. You might even want to Google Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. Because that is what you are feeling - the grief over the death of a relationship.

And she's feeling it, too - part of it is grief over the end of the time with you, but also grief over the end of the time with the other guy. After all, she was with him for a long time, and then she jumped into a relationship with you relatively quickly. I believe she was not ready for another relationship quite so soon. People do need to heal a bit.

Anyway - what do you do? You can make a huge play for her and maybe she will come around in 2 weeks or 6 months or whatever. Or you can give her some space and maybe she will come around in 2 weeks or 6 months or whatever. Or you can see someone else and maybe she will come around in 2 weeks or 6 months or whatever.

See what's the case?

It kinda won't matter - at least, not that much - what course of action you take vis a vis her. It does matter, however, the course of action you take with reference to yourself.

So -

Marshall your resources. See your friends (your other friends). Write bad poetry. Go running. Pet a dog. Bake cookies. Throw yourself into school work. Take a trip somewhere. Volunteer to read to the elderly. In short, do constructive things that will make you feel good about yourself. Do them alone, do them with friends, but don't do them with her.

And if it is going to come around to a relationship again, then it will. And if it's not, then you spent your time wisely, and you built some happy memories for yourself and maybe a dog was petted or a senior citizen felt special for a day or your friends enjoyed the cookies you baked or your grades improved or whatever. All of those things beat the hell out of wondering how to get someone back.

This does not mean you won't feel lousy.

You will.

But you won't wallow in it quite so much.

Inner resources are an important thing to cultivate. Take this time to cultivate them. You're gonna be okay.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 07:01 pm
She discovered she had strong feelings about her ex and did the right thing to let you go . . .

She's got some work to do. She has to either get over him, or get him back.

Hopefully, she can do a reality check and see that it wasn't so good with him - that's why they broke up. Still, it hurts when that kind of stuff is thrown in your face and she will have to distance herself from parties, etc. where he is going.

This has nothing to do with you. You are the innocent victim here. She was just not ready to move on and have a new relationship.

Your job is to find a nice person who doesn't have so much baggage. Don't pick up a wounded bird. Find someone is looking for what you have.

Good luck.
0 Replies
 
daisyrogers830
 
  0  
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 08:35 pm
@dannyboy99,
Wait for the right time. Don't force her into you. Love isn't like that, if you really love her then do everything for her without expecting something in return. If she really is meant for you then she will see you just as you see her. Good luck to you buddy!
0 Replies
 
dannyboy99
 
  3  
Reply Tue 2 Oct, 2012 08:23 am
@jespah,
Thanks everyone. The past few days have been really tough for me but I'm coping. There's a weird tension between us at the school now. Yeah, we talk between classes but it's just lousy small talk, not like before when I could make her laugh.

I know we weren't going out long but for my first proper relationship the 2 months with her seemed timeless. We were really close friends for about 2 months prior to our relationship too. I really miss those times but I just can't see how our friendship will return to this state of happiness.

I miss her a lot, all the times I made her laugh and smile are really special to me. I've found myself getting jealous when I see her laughing with other guys, I know there's nothing going on but I miss the times when we used to do that.

Thanks for all the support, it's really helped me out Smile I'll keep you guys updated Smile
dannyboy99
 
  3  
Reply Sun 4 Nov, 2012 03:11 pm
@dannyboy99,
1 month later and I'm doing well. I've invested some of my time into new sports and activities, and going out more.

Thanks for the advise - it's really helped me get over this. Although I still think about her everyday, I believe this is normal and I am no longer thinking about her in the same way. I think re-establishing a relationship with this girl would be a really bad idea for me as it will bring back old memories.

Thanks again everyone.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sun 4 Nov, 2012 03:51 pm
@dannyboy99,
Good to hear Danny.

Our first "love" is always a dream, because that is what it was before it occured, just a dream.. But, you know? This was maybe your first crush... Think of it that way because sexually you both did not engage with each other, your first love is still out there.

Rebounds are not your friend either. Until someone has totally moved on from someone you are best to stay away... They can't devote themselves, they need comfort and laughter you provided that and did not get the devotion..

But you got a glimpse of what a relationship can be like, in the courting stages and that was worth the 2 months you spent together.

0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Nov, 2012 07:28 am
@dannyboy99,
Looks like you're doing all right. Smile
0 Replies
 
dannyboy99
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 04:18 pm
@dannyboy99,
Oh, I found out the reason why. Turns out she ******* cheated on me a few days before we broke up.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 04:47 pm
@dannyboy99,
What are you doing about finding a new love?

To unlearn the hurt, make room for someone new .
Raindog123
 
  4  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2013 07:29 pm
Im going through the exact same thing and I just wanted to thank everyone that's put some sort of response on here, it puts it all in perspective. For me, it's only been 24 hours, but at least I know I'm gonna be okay!! xXx
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Fri 4 Jan, 2013 02:11 am
@dannyboy99,
Danny sounds to me that this was after, she found out what he did with her friend.

Danny, think about one thing, loved, jespah's reply to you.

If a woman has an ex, and that ex, sleeps with a friend when you are over, you are at your very lowest, wondering if you were ever good enough, wondering if you were pretty enough, because he did that..

It's like a grief.

That is why she did what she did, to her it wasn't wrong ,that was her ex. Her time with you was short, with him 17 months. She felt rejected again..

Be friends, remain a little reserved, live your life... Until she can work out what a piece of work he is, for doing that, through perhaps his own jealousy.. and that she is worth more... she needs this time.



What she needs to see is he is a cad and you were the better guy for her.

But whether you are willing to accept that, IDK.,

My honest advice to you is, never enter someones life that has baggage , ie) still getting over someone, as usually something like this always happens.. As their emotions are playing on them, they want the new, but haven't gotten over the old and if the old turn up deliberately? Just to peev you off? Then he/she will win.

0 Replies
 
dannyboy99
 
  3  
Reply Fri 4 Jan, 2013 09:45 am
@PUNKEY,
Currently I'm building a relationship with a new girl I met, things are going okay for now. I've moved on and I'd like to give a huge thanks to everyone who has help on this forum, it's be a great support for me
0 Replies
 
 

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