How to deal with this disruptive child?

Reply Sat 29 Sep, 2012 01:24 pm
Hello, I just joined. I am hoping for some guidence. I can't give too many identifiers regarding my situation but will answer what I can. The problem follows.
I took in two brothers four years ago as they were in need of a home. I knew the younger brother well, but didn't know the slightly older brother well. I was always going to find a good home for the older brother, and adopt the younger one, who I get along with perfectly and have always loved. I was going to find a good home for the older boy when we moved, so that the two brothers could continue to be close in the new, more permanent location. Unfortunately, alot of problems prevented the move, tho I am still hoping to move. I admit to loving the younger brother more than the older. But I have tried to give a good home to both, but I am sure the older boy feels less loved by me, but he does have his brothers love, and I try to treat them both fairly. Well, about half a year after I took them in, the older brother started being disruptive. He looks for trouble, I have seen this. Things he has been told about over and over he continues to do. I am at my wit's end, but I guess I fear it is because he feels less loved that he acts this way. I am the type of person who thinks there should be peace in a home, and I don't want this daily disruption. I don't know what to do. There are not that many opportunities for adoption of this child in this area. Any help figuring this out, and pointers as to how all, including myself, should behave, are much appreciated.
Reply Sat 29 Sep, 2012 01:37 pm
@anxious gran,
You're going to split the brothers apart because you can't take care of the older brother? I find it difficult that the courts would accept this arrangement where you separate the two brothers.
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Reply Sat 29 Sep, 2012 02:31 pm
@anxious gran,
How old are the brothers?
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Reply Sat 29 Sep, 2012 03:05 pm
Wouldn't you be disruptive in a home where you felt unloved?

Perhaps he has a different temperment that rubs you the wrong way, who knows? But for this child's sake, please change YOUR behavior and open your heart to this young man.
Reply Sat 29 Sep, 2012 03:43 pm
I was a lucky child in that my parents - more my father than my mother - often talked to me as if I were an adult who didn't know some things yet but had interests. That's how I talked with my niece, and we are still close, with her now an adult. In other words, my parents were not very corrective, and I got their expectations, not particularly tough ones, looking back (but then I was a goody goody, sort of scared of the nuns and sort of naturally obedient, which I've gotten over as an adult). I don't think anyone likes being talked down to or scolded, much less scolded sharply, meanly, or hit, and punishment if given should be given wisely. If you're sensitive, scolding leaves you lonely, especially if you have a sibling who tends to do things right in the eyes of a parent, over and over and over and over. Resentment builds naturally. So I agree with Sozobe about knowing the boys' approximate ages, and agree with Punkey about having the child feel both liked and loved. He may be the more intense and interesting child (not to go on comparing children to each other) - you might grow to care.

I've never taken parenting classes but I've heard they can be helpful - maybe others here know more about those, or other groups where you could find some help.

Is there any humor among you, that you can share?
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Reply Sat 29 Sep, 2012 04:06 pm
If you're already looking after this boy, what's the problem in adopting him? You are going to be separating him and his brother. Not a good thing, IMO. I would adopt them both, and try to make the older one feel loved, valued and welcomed. Once he knew that, likely he would settle down. Don't be cheap; be gracious, generous, and welcoming.
Reply Sat 29 Sep, 2012 04:08 pm
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