MY Husband can not get over his lover, what do I do?

Let me see if I understand you.

He is pouting. He is not over this. He is refusing counseling. And he isn't even the person asking here about some book or something to help him get over all of this.

I'd say that he has no vested interest in getting over anything.

Instead of out and out leaving him, maybe confront him. E. g. "It's over and yeah, you and I have problems, but I have been here for you, and you really should wake up and see that. You are depressed and you are not doing anything to get beyond the depression. It is as if you broke your leg and refused to have it set. So I offer you this choice - you either get some counseling or I walk. You can choose the type of counseling so long as it is legit. I can go with you, or you can go alone. It can be a doctor or a member of the clergy - no bartender therapy. But you agree to it, and you go. You have three months to get your **** in gear when it comes to getting a therapist of some sort. You do not have to be 'cured' by then, but you do need to have gone to at least one appointment, and given it a chance. By my calculations, that means by Christmas."

And he will do one of a few things -
1) He immediately leaps up, grabs the phone book or talks to his doctor or your clergy person or whatever and gets his act in gear and starts therapy. Yay!
2) He hems and haws but at least gets it going before the deadline. Passive-aggressive, but still a victory.
3) He tries and gives up on therapy. Be persistent. Not everyone has great compatibility with the first therapist they choose. If he doesn't like one, push to have him go to another. He does not get off easy by whining that he does not like one particular therapist.
4) He tells you he's getting things together but he either fails to do so, or lies to you about doing it, pretending to go when he doesn't, etc. I think you realize your bluff has been called, and you pack your bags.
5) He does nothing. Same outcome as #4, yes?
6) He does nothing but also clings to you, hoping to maintain the status quo. Be firm. This is the same outcome as #4 when you get right down to it.
7) He goes back to her. This one seems kinda obvious, yes?

I do not love ultimatums as I feel they are the nuclear option. However, he has already had a physical affair and, let's face it, if she was nearby and was more willing, he would be back there in a heartbeat. He is not in the marriage zone when it comes to his head. Rather, he is still in the fling zone. If some other woman tickles his fancy (in particular if she is geographically closer and is more willing), I suspect he'd be off again. Hence the use of the nuclear option.

I know you are right...

....?

and the ... means you're not going to do anything, right?

I realize I put myself out there, but really thanks. You don't know the details that I did not share. After 12 years of marriage it is hard to walk away. I am going to talk to him, we have to come to some kind of conclusion, the pain is fresh, I only found a few weeks ago.

no I don't know the details, yeah 12 years in a long time

but, your response, with the...... is an indication of "but"

talk it out, but take action.

don't live the future in a "..." state

Was he going to leave YOU if this whole thing worked out with her?

He got betrayed/dumped by her, just when he was about to risk it all.

I'd venture to say your marriage was not in good shape before she came around and he jumped at the chance to get away from it all with a love from the past. It backfired on him.

Now he's back to square one, with you.

You BOTH need to get counseling with a certified marriage counselor.

Get a divorce! If he doesn't love you enough to forget this girl, or at least go for counseling, he is not worth it. Find someone that really knows how to love.

.

Hi, while I somewhat agree with Jespah - I've known other people with difficulty in marriages that find it hard to walk away.

Walking away isn't the easiest thing in the world (for many, many reasons), and nor should it be a black & white in all cases.

Your husband is currently in a state of disrespect towards you, and towards your marriage. He is openly moping over another woman. Openly doing so is going to hurt your feelings, and he knows it...but doesn't care.

If you accept that behaviour, you are saying to him, and to yourself - I deserve this disrespect, I deserve this treatment. Once he knows he can openly disrespect you, things start to become much more complicated and hurtful.

You are not there to support him in your marriage while he sulks over the loss of an affair with another woman. This is not something anyone in any marriage should ever do. It is not normal, not expected, and should never ever be asked of.

You have the right to stand up for yourself, including demanding that he get counselling - his actions are having a direct result on you, and he is not able to resolve them by himself.

Inherent in a marriage is a 'contract' that you will both look after and care fir each others happiness.

If one side refuses to care for and look after the others sides happiness (which is what your husband is essentially refusing to do), then the only person left to look after your happiness in the marriage is yourself. You then need to ask yourself what makes you happy in your marriage, and if you are getting that (this includes respect, which is essential to a healthy relationship).

If you are not getting that, you need to ask yourself if you can see it changing.

Also, there's an old saying 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. That is to point out that, if you do want to change things - and one way fails, you'll should try a different way the next time.

Also note that you can't control another person, and you should never take responsibility for their actions (acknowledge your contribution to a decision they made, but understand they are always responsible for their actions)

In other words, start taking control of your life, knowing what is essential to your happiness and looking after and respecting that (and understanding the same for him)...and build your relationship on that.

I told him I was leaving if he did not get counseling. He has agreed to seek help. This is the first step.

Good - and i hope it's couple's counseling. While he's done something very bad, I am sure the marriage was not stable.

There's his side, your side, and then there's the truth. Find out what it is.

Glad to hear it

this is a really important question for the OP and her husband to think about

I think you hope he'll regret reconnecting with his soul mate.

12 years married is a long time.. You say "dated". Dating to me, the beginning of a relationship, then comes a relationship, was he only dating? If so, the dating stages is very lustful and it sounds as if, they had chemistry that he wanted to explore further and felt more for her than she did for him, hense the "fling" which suggests she is a settle down type of girl to start with, all to do with lust.

If that is the case, and I don't know because you aren't putting anything out there, then perhaps if he realised that, he'd realise that he thinks too deeply and it was always lust.

But then.. I don't understand why you are "ok" with what he did full stop.