Interracial relationship

I'm sorry to read this. Two years and you haven't met his mother?

How old are you both? If you're teens, still, or early twenties, then marriage isn't necessarily imminent and so a delay is a bit more understandable. Get a bit older and you start to see your friends getting married, while you're stuck in a neutral gear.

I am not suggesting an ultimatum. But I am suggesting a talk, e. g., "I love you but I need to know where this is going. We have been together a long time. Is this leading to marriage? Because if it is, we both know the right thing to do is for me to meet your mother."

That may end it, by the way, but then you will know what kind of a man he really is, and will be free to pursue other romances and opportunities for romance.

I'm going to be 20 in a couple months, but he's a year younger than me. I mean, that may be a cause for him being unwilling to introduce me, the fact that he's younger. But he has met everyone in my family, including my mom. His mom has a lot of negative stereotypes about Guyanese people, and she assumes I'm a "bad" person, or I drink all the time. He tells her other wise, and let's her know I'm different. But I still feel very excluded from his whole family, and he doesn't let me even hang out with them at any outings or parties. I invite him to almost everything. Sometimes I think I'm giving more than I'm receiving. Thank you for your advice though, and marriage is definitely out of the question. His mom would probably have a heart attack knowing he wants to spend his life with someone who isn't Tamil.

I'd call him to say 'thanks and goodbye'.

There is no future for the two of you. Really sad, really. Your families are not you, but you've chosen to let them be (or he has at any rate.)

Come to New York. The place is crawling with young Guyanese men.

Joe(I mean it)Nation

Well if it were that easy... lol. I'm still very emotionally connected to him, don't get me wrong, he's a great guy and although the differnces we've still managed to make it this long. He got along well with my family, especially my brothers (which is very rare), for some time until an incident recently happened and my sister said some negative things about him and words were exchanged and so on and so forth. And I have to say, my family isn't that great either, they haven't helped one bit with my relationship to this guy, in fact they've probably made it worse by reinforcing those negative stereotypes his mom already has about Guyanese people. But he knows I'm very different from my family, I'm the only one out of 5 children to graduate from high school and to even go to university. Sometimes I think he's embarrassed of my family and I don't blame him, I'm embarrassed of them too because they don't try to prove otherwise to the negative stereotypes that have been placed on them.

Has he ever suggested to you that you will meet his mother in the future?

What other members of his family have you been introduced to?

Does he have any realistic plans to move away from his family, out of his parents' home?

Does he attend family/Tamil community events without you?

what part of the Guyanese community are you from? Is your family of primarily Indian descent?

Well I have asked him about introducing me to his mom and he said to me, that it's not the right time now because his mom already has a lot to deal with and introducing me to her would only stress her out more. Because his mom recently had to deal with his older brother who was in 5-year relationship with a Tamil girl and they recently broke up. I guess she's really protective of her sons. And to be honest I haven't really met anyone at all in his family. The only time I interacted with his older brother was when he gave us a ride. And I also met one of his cousins once (who recently got married, and I was uninvited to the wedding because my boyfriend's mom would be upset, and yes that hurt lol). I've told him I feel excluded, but it's as if he doesn't know what to do. And we don't attend any events together, I guess the Tamil community is really strict. I'm extremely fairskin and they've used that against me and told his mom he's dating a "white girl" when they saw us on the street once. Yes, he does have plans after he's finished university and gets a stable job to move on with his life. And my ancestors are from India, my great-great grandparents.

First of all, let's be clear. Your boyfriend has to make a choice here. This isn't about you, or his family or anything else. Your boyfriend has to decide whether he wants to be with you or not.

After two years, it is time for him to choose. And I think you should say exactly that.

I think you should demand that he commit to a date for you to be introduced to his family. After two years he has to introduce you to his family.

Two years in a relationship is a long time. If he isn't willing to do what it takes to be in an interracial relationship that you should start the process of healing and moving on.

If he is 19 now and in a Tamil family like the ones I know, it will be many years before he completes university as the expectation is for more than a bachelor's degree.

I think it would be a good idea to consider JoeNation's comments and recognize that there isn't a future for you with this young man.

There is still discrimination against fair skin people of Indian descent in older members of the Tamil community here in Toronto. Generally, there are problems between the communities here - let alone between the Tamil community and members of West Indian communities. It's something you have to keep in mind.

Have you discussed this with your parents?

I don't really talk to my parents like that. I wouldn't say I'm exactly close to them. And yes, you're right there are differnces between the Tamil and West Indian communities. They each have their varying opinions and assumptions of one another. I guess I was in denial, or I just chose to ignore the fact that we had differences, before jumping into the relationship and becoming so committed. Now I'm in too far. I guess I've just been waiting around, hoping he would introduce me. Thank you for your advice, much appreciated.

I'm sorry to read all of this. But I think you may know what a lot of us are going to say.

What's the end game here?

It isn't marriage. It probably isn't living together. And I don't think it's, I'm sorry to say, hanging around and waiting for the disapproving members of his family to just die off.

I know you care for him and that, of course, makes this all the more difficult. But the smartest and best thing you can do for yourself is to get out now, before you waste any more time. It seems pretty obvious that you are not being considered when it comes to feelings, respect, etc. Instead, your boyfriend's mother is considered over you - even when it came to a relative's wedding.

Lemme tell ya, when I got married, lots of people were probably not 100% happy about all sorts of things (where they sat, who got invited, etc.). Yanno how much weight all that stuff had with my husband and me?

Zero.

It's not that we're selfish. It's more that, guess whose wedding it is? Guess whose life together it is? Guess who, at the end of the day, has to be happy?

It doesn't mean we didn't try to be accommodating to people. And I don't just mean in terms of the wedding but also in terms of the 20 years afterwards. We help our family and friends. It does matter to us if they are happy and healthy and all of that. But if that is at the expense of our own health? Uh, sorry, but no. Our own happiness? I'll bend a bit, to be sure. It's not like I'm going to skip out on an uncle's funeral in order to attend a ball game or anything like that.

But what I am saying is, there are lines and we don't allow them to be crossed. For your boyfriend's mother, there are no lines. She goes and does whatever she wishes, apparently. If she somehow became your mother-in-law, you honestly think that would change? If there are no lines, she tells you where to live, how to decorate your house, whether you can work, how to raise your children and when you will take her in and have her live with you.

Don't laugh. Controlling people like this pull that kind of crap all the time.

There are no boundaries here.

I am sorry you are caught up in this. I truly am. But you're an intelligent person. Get out now, while you are still very young and have not wasted any more than the two years that have already passed. Because if it's like this now, I bet it'll be like this in another two.

PS I met my future mother-in-law a month or so after my husband and I started dating. She and I are more than friends; we are family. I wish for the same kind of relationship for you. But I don't think it's possible under the current circumstances.

INSIST that you meet the mother. How can she come to like you if she does not know you? (If your boyfriend feels uncomfortable, then he can leave the room.)

You must take the energy to break the bigoted mindset of this family. If you can't do that by getting to know them, then leave the situation. But at least you can say that you tried. Your boyfriend should support you at this time.