Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Death with dignity, according to her wishes. No son could have shown more devotion and understanding. Remember her death with anguish and with pride.

Well, mom and I have had quite a week together. Last week, she appeared very weak, and was having difficulty walking, even with her walker. She was coughing badly, so I assumed that she was having her winter, right on schedule, nasty bout of bronchitis.

I took her to the doctor last Tuesday. Apparently her heart rate was rather irregular, and so they performed an EKG. It turns out that she has congestive heart failure (the water in the lungs was causing the coughing), arrythmia, and poorly functioning kidneys.

This came as a shock out of the blue. She has been to the doctor so many times in the recent past, and cardiac problems were never mentioned. She had had some problems recently with electrolyte imbalance, but they were resolved.

Anyhow, she had to stay in the emergency room for two days, as they did not have a bed upstairs. She finally got a nice single room in the cardiac unit.

I spent most of the afternoon with her. They are getting her condition under control, although not perfectly. (For those who don't know, she is 95.) What really bothered me was that she was talking about how she had had a good full life, and was ready to go, if need be. She was not depressed, but very calm.

I am hoping that the docs can straighten her out. I think that my decision has been made for me. In the near future, at least, she cannot stay at home by herself, as she has been doing. I will have to find an assisted living place for her.

I am just rambling now.

You have my sympathy. I find it very unsettling when problems move from "chronic" to "acute". At least she's in a serene corner of a safe place.

You wrote:



She sounds as though she's more used to being 95 in an feeble body than you are accustomed to having her compliant.

My thoughts are with you. Hold your dominion.

Regarding my mother:
I'm glad that I know the up and down of the waves from my time at navy - and that there might be huge differences from one moment to the other.
(Stormy weather though prevails.)

Indeed, my thoughts are with you, Phoenix!

I remember my mother in her 70's musing on the death of a close neighbor of her own generation. She observed that the grandchildren were deeply and loudly grief stricken; the children were just as bereaved but considerably less upset and the widow who had watched her husband's decline for years was very matter of fact.

I think your mother is old enough to accept the inevitable.

Oh, I think that she is, but I am not so sure that I am. There is a part of me that believes that she will go on indefinitely.

Now I am fighting with the doctor. He wants to put her in a nursing home for "rehab". My mom is so weak, that they need two nurses to get her from a bed to a chair. I want him to keep her in the hospital for the next few days, so that she can regain her strength.

Anyhow, thanks Noddy and Walter, for the ear and the shoulder. Right now, I feel that I really need to ventilate, big time!

Do so, do so!

(I take every chance I get myself :wink: )

Phoenix--

Ventilate away!

The quality of nursing care might be better in a nursing home than in the hospital where the nurses may well be overworked. Do you have any suspicion that your mother is so close to death that the doctor wants to ship a Vital Statistic out of his domain?

As for:



I think you'll get used to the new rules--or build the ramparts of Elsinor on your house. I have a feeling your mother would have no problem avenging all murders in the area.

Be sure to pamper yourself after a day at the hospital. Nothing is more exhausting than dancing attendance on the ill when you have been demoted from a Take Charge Person to a Hapless Bystander.

Hold your dominion.

I don't know if people know, Fbaezer has written about his mother here -


http://able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=47735

Phoenix, I just came back from a deserved holiday and found out about your mother's condition.

First of all, a big hug.

And yes, do not take all the burden, pamper yourself, and don't fight the inevitable.

(and osso, always thougthfull, thanks again).

fbaezer- Thanks!

Well, my mother has been in a nursing home for rehab for the last few days. I spoke to the nurses and insisted that she go to the dining room for meals. What she did when she had her hip replacement (about 8 years ago), and was in the same place, was refuse to leave her room.

"I don't want to eat with 'those' people!"

Anyhow, she is loath to do anything for herself, wants to play princess, and wants me to be her lady-in-waiting. I had her walk with her walker, and believe me, it was like pulling teeth. At the same time she keeps telling me that she wants to go home. When I explain that she needs to work hard to get well and strong, she just does not want to hear of it.

Last night was a real crisis for ME. Anyone who read a certain thread on A2K would have been positive that I was drunk, or stoned, or flipped out. I was totally outrageous, and that broke the tension for me.

Anyhow, it was a turning point. Today I spent time with the nurses, making sure that the meds that were screwed up in the hospital were straightened out. I probably spent no more than 5-10 minutes with her, did not get into any hassles, and I feel much, much better.

Good, Phoenix!

(Heh, I remember that thread, you could be more outrageous more often, it was sort of cute..)

Osso- That thread did more for me than an hour on any shrink's couch!

My mother fall twice within the last two weeks: fortunately only minor wounds.
However, neither my aunt nor she informed us, so it was until the other morning when I got phoned by the nurse. Luckily, she only got a couple of stitches in the surgery.

I firmly asked her to use only the 'rollator'

indoors as well.

I had to admit, however, that this wasn't really practily, with all the carpets, antiques, narrow doors etc in our house.

So we went to an agency - which wasn't much help.
Then Mrs. Walter (who has copied some of my internet "search-tricks" by now) looked over the www - to find this nice indoor rollator



And what we didn't know at all: it's been produced just 5 miles from here!

Okay, why did I write all this? Just to ventilate a bit!

Yesterday was my aunt's 82th birthday, and we went out for lunch to our "favourite restaurant" (= a menu both like, table easily to access, mostly seniors as customers).
On the way down the steps, I noticed that my mother's trousers were really dirty again. "Bring it to the cleaner's - and we still have some stuff there."
The latter I'd completely forgotten.
In the restaurant, she had a salad as starter. My aunt nothing befiure the main dish. After having finished the salad, she asked my aunt: "And how did you like your food".



Although I know really a lot about demencia, such really hurts me now and then extremely.
Yesterday was 'now' again.


(Better now. Thanks.)

Walter- It's good to ventilate.

I had a bit of a scare on Saturday. When I walked into my mother's room in the nursing home, she looked like she was half dead. She could barely talk. I called in the nurses, and they checked her blood pressure. It was 82/46. The time was about 1:30. (I note this for a reason)

Quick like a bunny, they sent her to the Emergency Room. I go with her, and run interference with the hospital staff. After many hours of testing, blood, EKG, chest XRay, they pronounce her fit as a fiddle. She is sitting up and eating dinner. Apparently the doctor in the nursing home had increased her blood pressure meds, so that it had the effect of lowering it enough that she was practically in shock.

We get home, and she is back in her wheelchair, moving about in the halls. It is now about 7:30, and I have been with her all day. My husband is not feeling too well, and I really want to get back to him. I tell her that I am leaving, and she begs me to stay, and "talk". I stood my ground, and left.

Walter--

Your mother's mind may be slipping, but her social instincts as a gracious hostess survive.

Phoenix--

Good for you, limiting your day to six hours--particularly with another invalid at home.

Has the meds situation been straightened out?

Both of you, please hold your dominions. Dementia is so lonely for the other people involved.

Noddy- Yes, my mother's meds seem to have been straightened out. I have a meeting at the nursing home tomorrow. I do believe that her HMO is looking to have her discharged. Maybe the weekend incident will give her a bit more time in there. She really needs to get stronger.

What I plan on doing, is have her live in an assisted living residence for about a month. If she can get it together enough, I will probably let her go back to her house, with a home health aide, who can give her some assistance for a few hours a day. If she still can't hack it, she will have to move permanently into assisted living.

My husband isn't an invalid, but has a number of medical problems. He is also becoming much more psychologically dependent on me. (In plain English, he's driving me nuts!)

Phoenix--

"In sickness and in health..." Men of a certain age seem to find their wives more and more irresistable when these men are not feeling well.

Round about retirement age the term "designated invalid" enters the marital vocabulary. Women are flexible about which partner is the Designated Invalid of the Day, Week, Month or Year. Men tend to be a bit more possessive about the title.

I went to the case conference at the nursing home. A rep. from the different modalities were there, about 8 people. My mom was told that the insurance company wanted her to be discharged, as the home has done all that they could do rehab-wise. She got very put out, and wanted to know why she was being "thrown out". She said that she loved the place, had made friends, and could not understand why they wanted to reject her.

That was a few minutes after she told me, right before the meeting, that she would die if I didn't get her the hell out of there.

Anyhow, the home administration will speak to the insurance company on Friday, and will give a timeframe for her discharge. I was told that there is a window of possibly a week. I have already arranged for an assisted living place to take her. The problem is, that I don't think that she is quite ready to leave the nursing home. She is still too weak, and , IMO, medically unstable.

Anyhow, after the meeting, I asked my mother why she told the staff that she loved the nursing home, and she replied, "I told them what they wanted to hear". That afternoon, I popped in for a minute, and again, I got the "Get me out of here, or I am going to die" routine.

At that point, I made up my mind that I had to get some distance from my mother, or I would explode. So yesterday, I did not go there, or call her. I took a book, and went to a lovely county park. I sat on a sand spit for hours, enjoying the breezes from Tampa Bay where it adjoined the park ponds, and got a whale of a sunburn. And I feel much, much better!

Yes, good, Phoenix.