Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Walter- One of the hardest things for me to learn was that my mother (and her brain) was not what they once were. At first, she would say something negative, and I would be hurt. After awhile, I realized that it was the "disease talking", and I did not react as much.

I remember the last year that she lived in the house that I owned. My fear too was to remove her from the unfamiliar. I was afraid that if her short term memory was not good, it would be all the more difficult for her to learn the logistics of a new place.

After awhile, I realized that her being in a place with professional care was far better for her, than fending for herself. When I moved her into assisted living, she no longer had any concern for her old place. After awhile, she could not even remember it.

Walter--

You must expend considerable energy and fortitude every time you square your shoulders and march into the House With Elastic Time.

One of the horrid facts about dealing with dementia is that you aren't happy with the present situation and you know things can only get worse.

********

I'm making mother/son occasions. Mr. Noddy is pouty, but you pays your money and you takes your choice. Right now I'm choosing my happiness.

Walter, We thought that moving my mother would kill her. That's why we waited so long. We waited too long. Mom is doing great in her new environment. Mom participates in social activities at the home and she really enjoys that. Don't wait until something bad happens, like we did. You may even find she gets better when she's surrounded by people instead of isolated in her home. That's been our experience.

Good, Noddy.

Phoenix, I have been there with my mother, my father and my mother-in-law. I have to go out for a little while but I will check in later and see if I can offer any advice that hasn't already been offered. It is a painful process for all parties and I hope I can help you stay strong. All the best, gb

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and 4 yr old grandson. The old
man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together every night at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and
failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he
grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something
about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and
food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the
rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food
was served in a wooden bowl!

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he
sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharpadmonitions when he dropped
a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his
son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your
food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down
their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither
husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life
does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a
rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family,
your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find
you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right
decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about. I just did.

The weekend was far from what I'd hoped, but there were bright spots.

From here on in, I'll know to moderate my hopes.

Sigh.

I'm sorry to hear it was disappointing, noddy. Hurray for bright spots.

JPB--

Thanks for the support. I'm gradually coming to accept down in my bones that my world will never be "normal" again.

Well, Noddy, to use a sentence one of my most favourite A2K'ers usually adds: 'hold your dominion'! :wink:


----


Mother have had a very new nurse tonight.
Okay, she's been a bit more confused than usually, but what 'normalities this nurse wrote down in the diary ...
("Mrs. H. seems to be very confused. She asked, why she got the eye drops, nothing were wrong with her eyes. Then she questioned why I creamed her legs, they were okay. ... ... ...")

Okay, it doesn't happen all the time that she OPENS her pampers and then doesn't remember how to use them ... but all the other ...

(If all the nurses would write such a lot, and I would put in my twopenn'orth additonally ... :wink: )

Walter--

Thanks for the bracing common sense.

In my experience effortless literacy and the caring skills of nursing aren't necessarily found in the same person. I'm sure you've found the same problem with social workers.

:wink:

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Noddy -

. That is part of the hardest part, and I'm praying for your strength to handle it.

Equally hard are the occasional misleading flashes of reasonable conversation, knowing all the time that they do not and cannot mean improvement, because improvement simply isn't there.

I'm told that eventually a quiet withdrawal from everything around will probably take place - I suppose Bob will be happier that way...He knows enough now to be bored out of his skull in the nursing home, and he would at least be spared that. And he knows something is wrong - I wish he could be spared that.

At the moment his discharge is scheduled for Monday; after that we'll just have to play it by ear - every day is a day.

Walter - keep your chin up, grit your teeth, and all that other good advice. Old-fashioned phrasings, maybe, but the thought behind them is timeless.

Tomkitten- I experienced the same thing with my mother. Little by little, her world became smaller and smaller. At first she socialized in the assisted living facility. Whenever I came to visit, she was outside on the porch yakking with another lady. Then I noticed that she was going outside less.

The socialization gradually decreased to zero. Where she always read, she was no longer even looking at the daily newspaper that I had delivered to her door. I think that near the end, she didn't even watch television.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
And add to all that, the fact that Bob hasn't the normal contacts with the world around him, anyway, because of his vision and hearing problems - no books or newspaper or TV or good social interaction to withdraw from to begin with.

Tomkitten- Yes, that certainly makes things more difficult for him. I once read something interesting a while back. The point of the article was that some elderly people, in in absence of dementia, will sometime appear to have some paranoid ideation. The author pointed out that with declining hearing, often what is said may be misunderstood, which might account for some of the strange reactions.

Tomkitten--

One of the wrenching emotional aspects of last weekend was that I've been very patient through the summer with Mr. Noddy's increasing irrationality and I'd assumed that my son's visit would be a reward that I'd earned.

Mr. Noddy felt that the visit was intended to reflect the Greater Glory of Mr. Noddy.

I hope Bob's homecoming was uneventful and that he's settled back in with you--and clean rugs.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Noddy - We are fortunate in that Bob isn't so outspokenly irrational. His memories are missing and/or muddled, and questions sometimes come straight out of the blue - like yesterday he was suddenly very concerned about whether we have a checking account and if so, where the checkbook is, and how can he make out a check. But it's basically a quiet thing. It's sad, but at least there isn't that extra dimension that you are dealing with.

There's the big meeting on Friday, and although it's ostensibly to make sure everything is in order and safe for Bob, I feel there's still an undercurrent of "Are you sure you can handle this", so I have to be careful and not defensive, while not reading confrontation into the panel's questions and recommendations.

Then when Monday comes, and he is home again, there will be VNA visits and social worker visits to see whether and where this or that needs adjusting, so things will be a bit unsettled for a week or two. But the apartment itself will, I hope, give him stability that he doesn't have now. With the best will in the world - and the people at Clark House do certainly have that as well as infinite kindness and patience - there are comings and goings outside his room, noises in the corridors, cramped quarters; things get moved around by cleaning people and not put back quite the same way which is hard when you can't see. So when he says he is confused by his surroundings, it's a perfectly reasonable comment.

Undoubtedly, barring some other, fatal, physical, illness, Bob's stay at home will be limited as he deteriorates. The ideal solution would be slow physical decline, since decline there inevitably will be, so that Hospice could step in and he wouldn't have to go back to Clark House.

Tomkitten- I had Hospice for my mother when she was at the assisted living place. They are wonderful. They sent in all manner of people......social worker, nurse, aides, therapists. They also called me at least once a month to ask if I was happy with what they were doing and if my mom needed anything additional.

In fact, during the last few months of her life, I dropped my mother's regular doctor, and used the hospice doc. Hospice paid for all the medications that were related to her admitting diagnosis, which was a great help, because she had already dropped into the "doughnut hole" when she was first admitted to Hospice.

Interestingly enough, my mom was serviced by Hospice for nearly two years. I think what happens, is that every so often, the patient is reevaluated, and the service will continue if he/she still meets the criteria.

After she died, I received calls from Hospice. I still get invitations to join bereavement groups, and the like.

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
I guess one major problem is that there's quite a gap between discharge from Clark House and signing on with Hospice. So far they haven't been interested.