Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

George- You are so right. A sense of humor was about the only thing that kept me from going completely bananas.

Walter- Funny that you mentioned the "cleaning liquid." When my mom first came into the ALF I bought her, in addition to bars of soap, a large bottle of liquid soap. Figured that it might be easier for her, and she seemed to like it better for washing her hands. In the beginning, every time that I came to the ALF I would refill the pump bottle with more soap. She was very clean, and I was constantly refilling.

In the last few months of her life, I noticed that the level of the liquid soap in the bottle never changed. She started to use the soap bars, and when I mentioned it to her, she seemed not to understand what the pump bottle was for.

We've used liquid soap since ages at home - my father as doctor got enough in his hospital and aunt (grandfather) had a drugstore.

Mental decline and dependency
I'm a bit upset - I haven't been getting notifications of new postings to this thread, so I'm behind the times. I'll have to read the last 20 or 30 posts this evening. Meanwhile, my encouragement to you all.

Tomkitten--

Try turning off your notification and then turning it back on.

I've had your problem and reminding the computer seems to help.

Mental decline and dependency
Okay, Noddy, I've tried it, and we'll just have to wait and see. Maybe I can send myself a message. Anyway, thanks.

Mental decline and dependency
Phoenix - please don't think I've forgotten you. I didn't know of your mother's death until this evening. I am sorry for your sadness, but she is at peace, and peace will come to you, too, though it may take time.

You have many things to do and keeping busy with them will help you to come to terms with your loss and your new situation as "matriarch".

You did your very best for your mother, and you did indeed love each other.

I am thinking of you with the greatest sympathy.

Mental decline and dependency
Noddy - thanks for the link. I'll follow it up tomorrow.

Reviving this thread ...

Mother's condition .... keeps being age- and circumstance-related either bad or well, considering from where you look at it.

Her demencia gets sometimes really ... hard to live with.

Besides that - at least for us - it seems a bit sad to watch those two old-aged just sitting around, with daily meals (= our visits) being the only highlights.

So we thaught of giving them (especially my mother) some change and try to find someone who 'keeps them occupied' for a few hours/week.
Such is easier said than done: neither my mother nor my aunt want strangers in the house, don't ned any "kindergarten teacher", can get along best on themseves ...

We arranged with the home-care service that they look for someone who should be introduced 'slowly', e.g. as someone who makes a survey for them and takes mother/aunt as example ...
(That worked fine a couple of years ago, already, but unfortunately that young lady died recently.)


So we had had two - middle-aged - housewives at my mothers. Both had looked at their mothers before, knew about the difficulties ...

But both said that 'working' with mother was impossible for them.

Well, life goes on.

Walter- One thing that I have learned, is that you cannot force something on people that they don't want.

IMO, the important thing is ensuring your mom's safety. Beyond that, it is up to her to decide what she wants in life.

What I found, was that as my mother's dementia became more pronounced, her world became smaller and smaller. What had been easy for her to do earlier, in terms of socialization, became more and more difficult. In the beginning I urged her to become involved in activities. After awhile I realized that she was much more comfortable reading her newspaper, or watching TV by herself. I backed off.

I know that it is difficult for you to observe what is happening, and not want to "fix" the situation. IMO it is kinder to respect your mom's wishes.

Well, certainly you're correct, Phoenix.

And that's really my own, personal and special dilemna: on the one hand, I'm someone who knows about all as a professional, on the other, dominating hand: I'm the son.

Walter- I was in the exact same position. Professionally, I knew all the answers. As a daughter, that was another story entirely.

Walter, I'm sorry things are so much harder for you. But, how is it for them? Are they both deteriorating similarly? Are they still getting companionship from each other?

Phoenix once posted a 'staging' chart of dementia. I'll see if I can find it....

I know in my mother's case of caring for my father, there eventually came a point where his staying at home was not the best thing for either of them. Are either of them approaching that point?

JPB- I think that you mean this:

http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_stages_of_alzheimers.asp

My aunt can't handle it most times. In such cases she leaves the room.

On the other hand, if she weren't there .... though she objectively isn't a great help at all.

Generally, my aunt is fitter; dementia - I don't think so.
It's only that she's under meds re her depression as well; and she's got some more (gynaecological) things, which must give her a lot of pain, but she doesn't go to a real medical examination. (That's since she'd stayed for nearly one year in a psychiatric clinic: pure fear to have to go there again, I think.)

Yes, that's it, thanks. My father was at home until well into Stage 6.

Like your aunt, Walter, my mother had her own physical issues. I know it's hard for you and there will come a time when it's harder on you and her other caregivers than on your mother.

Is she scared?

Scared? No, I don't think so.

I don't know about my aunt (actually, I know nothing about what she might think at all), but my mother just doesn't want to die, but to stay a young girl/middle aded woman.
(She knows that she's nearly 87, but compares herself mostly to the age group of the 50's to 60's.)

No, she isn't scrared at all, I think.

Walter--

You have my sympathy.

Mine too.

Mine too, Walter. This is very hard for you.

Walter, I've been updating the Empress about what's been going on. She wanted to let you know, well, that she's thinking of you and what you're coping with. It's not too dissimilar with the last couple of years with her mother.

I'm supposed to tell you, you're a good guy.