Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Don't ask. He is driving me bananas. Since he is feeling out of control, he is extremely cranky and combative. He has always been one who makes mountains out of molehills, and now it is even worse.

If he goes along with eating small meals that I puree for him, he is ok. He becomes disgusted, eats something that he shouldn't, and backslides. We have an appointment with a big gastro man, but the appointment is not for a few weeks.

My god, woman! When do you find time for yourself? Can't you apply for help?

I spent most of yesterday just wandering around a mall. I bought what I wanted in the first 10 minutes, and spent the rest of the time just chilling out. I didn't even have the patience to try anything on, although there were a lot of sales. I think that I just wanted to wander about in anonymity.

Phoenix, get yourself an appointment at a day spa. Get a massage, manicure, pedicure and dye your hair a really funky color. Time to give yourself some pampering, girl!

Last Friday, I talked with my mother about the fact that prospects for
her returning to the assisted living facility were not good, and besides her
funds were nearly exhausted anyway. I explained that the nursing home
would be willing to keep her in continuing care and that now we had to
start getting ready to apply for Medicaid. She seemed relieved to know
that she had a place to stay.

Saturday, I was unable to visit. On Sunday, one of the first things she
said to me was "Any word on when I'm getting out of here?" My heart
sunk. We went over it again. She either forgot or did not fully
understand me.

Yesyerday I met with a consultant to take us through the Medicaid
application process. It's a nightmare.

George- My thoughts are with you. It is so hard when you are dealing with someone when the memory is poor, especially when there is so much ambivalence about the situation on your part.

All you can really do is keep tellig her, "This IS your home now", and change the subject. Now that it is all over for my mother, I have figured out all the "right" things that I should have said.

It is not an easy thing to go through, and the emotional ramifications become all mixed up with the practical ones. Remember, you are doing all that you can do for your mother.

Thanks, Phoenix. Keep the decompression valve handy!
I have two ways to decompress, exercise and drunkeness.
For now, I'm going the exercise route.

I spent some time yesterday at a local funeral home. As assets are spent
down, it is advisable to use some for a pre-paid funeral. So there I was,
strolling though the casket showroom; what a macabre experience.
Having gone over what would be required and not being extravagant, the
funeral director gave me an estimate. It is in the $11,000 range. Note
that the high-end caskets cost at least that much just for the casket.

I had told Mom I was going to do this, but probably didn't have the "right"
thing to say. I asked if she had any requests, but she didn't want to
discuss it, just telling me to do what I thought was right. Usually she has
no trouble discussing the inevitable, but I think this was a little too close
to home.

george wrote :



a good , old friend of ours lived in a senios/nursing home for some time .
she was in the early stages of alzheimer's and had agreed that her daughters should sell the house and devide the proceeds - she had enough income to pay for her care .
of course , she forgot what she had told her daughters quickly .
so when mrs h and i visited she would often say : "i think i'm ready to move back to the house " .
of course , it would have been traumatic for her to hear that the house had been sold - she also would not have ben able to live by herself .
so if it was during the winter-season that she spoke of moving back , i would say : " much too cold now ; wouldn't you rather wait for summer before moving ? " .
if it was in the summer , my standard answer was : " you want to move know ? you know how hot your house gets ; don't you want to stay in your nice air-condionend room ? " .
luckily she was always very sweet and mellow with us - we had known each other for over 40 years - and would say : "well , if you think so , i'll wait a while " .
i actually felt quite comfortable lying to her , since i knew that the truth would have been very hard on her .
she stayed quite happy until the end .
when we visited her during her last year , she would always be happy to see us and we would sing german songs together - and she would sing loudest , much to the astonishment of the nursing staff .
she was a good and happy person - much missed by us .
hbg

I think that she (and you) are better off not discussing something which might upset her. You know what you need to do.

Hamburger- I think that you were very wise with your friend. I think that part of my problem was that I could not deal with the idea that my mother did not have the capacity to deal with certain situations. To the end, I was at some level of denial.

Another thing. I was a bit pissed off at my son. When my mom was first widowed, (in 1974) she had a falling out with my brother which lasted, from one extent to another, for the rest of her life. In the last year or so, he was calling her once in awhile, but that was the extent of his committment.

My son (my mother's grandson) took upon himself many of the emotional responsiblities of being a son to my mother. They were quite close, for many years. In the last part of her life, he backed off, and called her rarely.

I had a long discussion with him this morning. Now I know, that even when my mother did not have dementia, she could be rather obnoxious on occasion. I know that after my son was divorced, she would ask him over and over again, about whether he had a girlfriend, and when he was getting married. For someone who had came off a horrendous divorce, I could see that my mother could really upset my son.

Anyhow, today he admitted something. My ex (his father) had suffered from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's Disease, and had died a couple of years ago. According to my son, who was his guardian, he was a "mess".

My son admitted to me that he feared that the Alzheimer's was somewhat genetic, and that talking to my mother was just too upsetting to him, and besides, she didn't know the difference anyway. He was relating to the disease personally. I told him that I understood.

I've only just found out that mother's main illness is called "Binswanger's disease" (Subcortical Leukoencephalopathy - in German it's something like 'subcortical vasculare encyphalopathy').

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/binswangers/binswangers.htm

Years ago, that condition was called simply "hardening of the arteries". Binswanger's disease apparently describes the effects of that condition. So now they tacked a fancy name on it. Apparently, to one extent or another, a person lives long enough will have some level of this condition.

Well, according to the latest I've heard of dementia, everyone will get it .... some, however, only if they are 140 or older :wink:

(At least 'age' seems to be one of the reasons if not the main reason that it didn't occur so often in former times.)

Exactly. As people live to greater and greater ages, I think that we will be seeing a lot more of the conditions that directly correlate with the wearing out of one's body!

Quite interesting that the German wikipedia has six times more about this on it on than the English (including diagnosis, therapy etc).

And that not only because Binswanger was a German :wink:
(First English publication: European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience: Otto Binswanger, Steinkopff, Volume 89, Number 1, December 1930)

Mother's dementia is now protocolled in the nurse's diary even more detailed than before ("Mrs Hinteler didn't know what to do with cleaning liquid although I told her 5 minutes ago to use it for handwashing") - which sounds funny to me since it's the same than anytime during the last couple of months.

But it is done because on Tueday there's the check by the the medical service of the [compulsary9 nusring insurance to get her in a better paid class. (Now, she has to pay about $800/month by herself and gets $500 from the insurance - then, nearly everything would be paid).


My sister came for a visit this weekend, on short notice, with BIL and youngest son plus his girlfriend.
In former times, mother always was not only nervous before those visits but upset afterwards. (Once she told me that she "feared" those visits.)
Now, she only called me before that visit to buy some cake; didn't talk a lot about how it was alike.
(My nephew took a picture from the wall [hanging 8 feet high!]: it was hanged leaning [since 15+ years], he said, laid it on the table and ask my mother that I should fix it. )

So, I didn't go to the 85th lunch & coffee and cake of a lady living in our house: could stand a dozen more seniors today :wink:

Walter--

You have my sympathy. Your nephew is a Real Charmer, isn't he?


I had a call from one of Mr. Noddy's sons who noticed yesterday that his father's speech was slurred and his conversation was disjointed. I filled him in--without drama, but without pulling punches, either--and hinted that he might call more often.

Mr. Noddy's behavior in the aftermath of the ice storm was just daft. Absolutely daft. Fortunately we have some kind strangers in this neck of the woods.

He's a chip off the old block: my sister believes, I would be the heir of all - a sample question would show that she even gets more than I do.
But since we don't communicate from the moment onwards she started to believe this ...

Walter--

Can you arrange for your mother to leave him the picture?

I've hanged it up this noon already. On the very same nail. But properly (and cleaned it as well).

Though I must admit that it took some hours (and the posting here) to be able to laugh about that :wink:

Well, thankfully you were able to get to the point where you could laugh it.
Sometimes a sense of humor is the only thing that keeps us going!