Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Swimpy--

I like that rear view mirror idea.

I don't want to come off as sexist, but I think that, in general, women handle this entire deal about aging better than men do. It is a lot easier for a man to blame someone else, than to admit that he is slipping.

I think that one of the advantages in having a lot of contact with older people (I do in my 55+ development), is that we can all laugh at our "senior moments", both with and at each other. There is no facade, no attempting to cover anything up. "What you sees is what you gets".

Phoenix--

You make a good point. Women aren't raised to prevail--we survive.

Everyone posting here has my deepest respect.

Watching a loved one die, slowly, can diminish all the beautiful memories before life had its way and age started to encroach. My mother came to stay with me for only a short time; her lung cancer killed her sooner than the doctors had expected. I think she wanted to die, hating to be bedridden, not being able to dress in her wonderful style or to socialize. I was so grateful that my sons were able to remember their granny as the difficult, bitchy, beautiful, creative woman she was. After longterm sickness, the memories fade and the shell of the former person is all that remains physically and in memory.

My brother is dying now. He had been living in a goup home for people with developmental disabilities, but everything started to go wrong at once. He no longer has any control over his bodily functions and can only walk with the help of two assistants. Usually, he is in bed. Since I have his medical power of attorney, I will be the one to say no to additional care in order to keep him living. It is very different from the easy philosophy of letting a person die when it's his or her time, and having to actually say "No more care." I can do it, there isn't any other choice as far as I'm concerned, but all the memories come back, all the sadness of his life as someone with mental retardation growing up when there was minimal help and minimal caring.

Now that he has had good care from loving, supportive people, I can let go, knowing that he had a few years of humanity. The love is something that keeps me going, yet it also keeps yearning for something better.

For now, I hope he dies soon. He has no life flat on his back in a nursing home, being pumped full of medication, including antipsychotics.

For those of you who are having to handle this with no or little help, you have both my sympathy and my respect.

Humor is probably the best medicine for both the caregiver and the loved one--if they are still able to appreciate the humor.

Noddy's 'hold your dominion' takes on a life of its own in these situations.

Diane--

The responsibility of monitoring someone else's quality of life--especially from a distance--is very heavy.

Hold your dominion.

What Noddy said.

Exactly, Noddy and Walter. I think we are all of an age, as is Phoenix, so that death itself isn't such a worry, it is the life just before death that can be so painful to see. That and all the years of the relationship with the usual beauty, quirks, injustices and regrets. In a way, a slow death gives the survivor time to deal with the emotional side of the relationship, which is vitally important..

I took up some family pictures last year. My brother and I were laughing and crying as we saw so many years go by with each photo. It was a reminder of how quickly our lives progress.

Diane- I am so sorry that you have to go through the torment of watching your brother die, by inches.

I just came back from visiting my mom, after returning from NY, and not seeing her since Saturday. I find that now each time that I see her, I can perceive a bit of a slippage. Today she must have fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation a half dozen times during our visit.

When I ask her why she does not want to socialize, she states that she just does not have the wherewithal, or the strength, to make the effort. I asked her if she is bored, ahd she says that she isn't. She says that she spends most of her time going over her life.

I have made up my mind that I will no longer attempt to urge her to become move involved in her facility. What I am seeing is a person who is creating an ever smaller and smaller world for herself, most probably in preparation for death.

Phoenix--

When my mother was dying she observed that the Victorian phrase, "Composing one's soul" made a lot of sense.

Noddy- I see what you mean. Actually, she is very peaceful, with none of the anxieties that a younger person would have contemplating their own death.

Well, I, for my part, accepted my mother's right to live the life - better: to end her life - as she wants to do it.

It's not easy to live with this decission I've made.
(At least, she drinks [nearly] enough at these hot days, has stooped "sun bathing" ... ... ... ...)

Mine as well... and of course that includes Diane.

This is not something I have had to deal with directly yet, but as an only child, it's probably inevitable. I am learning a lot here, thanks.

(Noddy, I know you are strong enough to hold the entire world on your shoulders, but I do hope you are able to get a respite one way or the other.)

Soz--

One of the wonderful benefits of reading is that an escape is always close at hand--even in the ER.

I...um...what are we talking about???

Rocky roads and high seas ahead.

Last week my routine mammogram showed abnormalities in the right breast. Eight years ago I had cancer in that breast and radiation and chemotherapy after a lumpectomy.

A week from Monday I'm going to have a biopsy--and if the tissue is cancerous, a mastectomy.

Mr. Noddy has been the Designated Invalid for years now, and he doesn't do well in supporting roles in medical dramas. His failing comprehension and memory are going to be complications.

He wanted to argue that the letter from the Women's Center recommending that I contact my doctor STAT said that the tissue was benign rather than "might be" benign.

The false optimism followed by the necessary argument was taxing.

We have nine days of uncertainity and then either two weeks or two months of recovery. I'm very glad you people are available to complain to.

On the kind of closing down you folks are talking about, what Phoenix is describing with her mother, it reminds me of a book I just finished, Carol Shields' The Stone Diaries. The book goes from birth to death of one character, with fulsome tangents into the worlds of the people in her life. At the end, the description of how shw feels as she mentally and emotionally deals with her body's extended leavetaking quite fits this sort of "coning down" you are talking about.


Ah, Noddy, I've been wondering how you can handle life at home if a mastectomy is necessary, plus I assume there are adjunct things like chemo. Even if it is not benign, I think statistics are on your side, from the little I've read, but the going through it all is such a challenge. Do you have local pals (none of my business) and will medigap, etc., cover any nursing visits? I don't know if you are in the countryside or a small town or a city - there may be some sort of breast cancer helper group in the area.

Yep, this sounds all too familiar with what's happening to my mum.

Her own personal world seems to shrink a little, every time I see her. The one constant, though, is her enjoyment of one can of beer a day. Other than that, not a lot registers with her, and her short term memory is now virtually non existent.

Noddy, I am sending good vibes over to you as I write. It's the bloody waiting that's the worst thing. Put yourself first for a while, if at all possible, eh?

One thing that I have found, though. For the first time in my life, my mother is actively expressing her appreciation of me, something that she did not often do in the past. I find that my long standing anger towards her, which I expressed at the beginning of this thread, has all but disappeared.

Noddy, It's time to rally the troups. Call on all that are able bodied to chip in and help with Mr. Noddy while you do what you need to do. I'll be thinking positive thoughts in hopes that it does some good.

Another thought, Noddy. Are there any places in your area where Mr. Noddy could stay while you are recouperating? For instance, the assisted living place where my mom lives will take people for a short stay. You should not have to be catering to him while you are recovering.

There is a woman who lives with her daughter, who goes out of town a lot. Every few weeks she stays in the assisted living facility. Apparently her daughter is not comfortable about leaving her alone, so this is a good solution.

If you need the mastectomy, you might want to discuss the situation with the social work department of the hospital that you will be in, before you are admitted. They often have sources of referrals for situations like yours.