Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

I can remember when cancer was hardly ever discussed. Being gay was another issue that was left to languish in the darkness. What brought these issues out of the shadows were people who were courageous enough to talk about these former taboo subjects.

I have heard, from my group, about a doctor who has the beginnings of Alzheimers' disease. What he is doing is writing and lecturing, letting people know how he is handling his condition. He knows that someday he will be unable to do these things, but while he is able, is letting as many people as he can learn about what he is going through.

Think about the good work that was done by Christopher Reeves, who was dying, teaching people about traumatic illness......And what about Michael J. Fox, who talks all over about his battle with Parkinsons'?

The same could be said about mental illness. If it is kept "in the closet", it will always seem odd, strange, and fearful to other people. If talked about and discussed, it will be less intimidating to the rest of the world.

I happen to know a lady, who is an absolute angel, who just happens to have bi-polar disorder.

Do any of us know anyone who is 100%? Think about it!!!

I love you, shortie.

Talking about men who won''t discuss their illness or even their worries, I think Dys if one of those men whose father wouldn't let him cry.

Why is this such a common theme among men and their fathers? It can cause such damage and as they become more and more stoic, they just let it all remain within, never truly addressing what hurts so very badly.

Even this is spoken about like a joke, sometimes, instead of the painful wall it is that, seemingly, can't be overcome.

It isn't exactly that our fathers didn't let us cry, I think.

It's more that is was a "men don't cry society" in those days, in my opinion.
And we grew up with parents who were part of such a society ...
(At least that's my own history - happened here due to the war, I suppose.)

Your last sentence corrects the error you inadvertently made at the start: cancer, homosexuality, pregnancy, and generally all medical conditions whose presence or absence can be answered by a simple Yes or No can't be compared to conditions measurable only on percentage scales - if at all.

Given the same data, 100 doctors will agree on any Y/N conditions, but no 2 out of a 100 doctors will agree exactly in the percentages they allocate to probable "diagnoses" of mental illnesses - even in the presence of extreme symptoms like hallucinations. We just don't know enough to quantify or diagnose, let alone cure, and pretending otherwise seems to me to be lying - for noble and honorable reasons, as in your case, but lying nonetheless. Entire schools of psychiatry even claim there is no "mental illness" and medications have been shown to have terrible side-effects and/or work no better than placebos.

To sum up: it's not "stigma", it's irreducible uncertainty. Courage in the face of uncertainty is admirable; but the uncertainty remains - it is what it is.

I agree with everything that you have written in your post. The fact remains though, that society DOES stigmatize the mentally ill. I worked, for many years, with people who were diagnosed with schizophrenia. They all had serious, chronic conditions.

You would be shocked at the attitude of the police who were sometimes called in when a person severely decompensated. We had to send staff to train the police on how to deal appropriately with an ill person who was hurting badly.

The community where I worked had many places that were home to people who had been released from psych hospitals in the 1970's.

I was never frightened by my clients. I was scared to death to walk out into the street, as it was a lousy neighborhood!

Swimpy, I have sort of started the ball rolling as far as going with my parents to dr Appts. I did go with both Mom and Dad to a recent cardiologist visit (my father's). Mostly I went to keep my mom company for the 4-5 hour shin-dig. She went into the dr office with him, but I waited outside. So far I am getting my Mom to allow me to make suggestions about what she might consider with her doc. But, those have been easier for her to swallow. For example, I asked her to talk about how much sleep she gets and how much water she drinks (not enough of either). I think going into doc offices is still a ways off, comfortably.

Phoenix, I have been thinking about talking to my Dad. Since he has his own issues (heart disease,etc) I worry about worrying him. I know my mom drives him nuts. I am almost never alone with him. I guess I should make time.

Diane, there is still a stigma about mood disorders and mental health, yes. But, it is getting better. One reason is that so many have people in their families with such disorders. Another is that people can medicate now and be part of the society more than before - dispels the unknown side of it a little.

It was within our lifetime that many people were kept in the basement or the attic if they had serious disfigurement, mental illness or mental retardation.

BTW, I always loved the song, Short People and I also loved Fat Bottom Girls, even as those songs were being berated. It is what it is, isn't it?

Walter, so true about it being handed down from generation to generation. I wonder if it goes back to much harder times when people had to maintain calm whether in battle or hunting and they could never cry out-it was a matter of life or death.

High Seas, the word Neurotic was removed from the DSM because they realized that everyone is neurotic.

Littlek, the way you are helping your mother is very wise and your gentleness would be a balm to anyone. She is having a hard time and I gather that your father isn't the easiest man to live with.

As far as stigma, you know a lot about my brothers. Their lives were filled with pain from other, so-called "normal" people.

Haha! Actually, my mom thinks I am a bitch with a short temper. And my mom and dad are both putting up with each other. I don't know which one I'd find harder to live with.

This is, ah, humorous, you are the longest tempered person I might know, online or off.

Be well, k.

So true, Osso.

Maybe next time you could say to your mom as she gets called into the dr's office, "Do you mind if I come in, too? "

It sounds as if you have assumed the role of parent, which comes to most of us eventually.

What about Swimpy's question? Would your mother agree if you gently asked to go in with her?

Funny that you should mention the role reversal. My dad died when he was 63. In the six months period after his death, I found that I was becoming my mother's mother. Boy, was I pissed. It was very difficult for me to change the nature of my relationship with my mother.

On one level, I felt that I had been orphaned. I was angry that I no longer had someone to whom I could turn in a crisis, but that I would have to be the strong one. And then my mother lived until she was 97.

I think that there is something similar that is happening when a woman finds herself in the position of parenting a spouse, especially when the man has always been the strong one. Even though the man is alive, there is still a sense
of loss on the part of the woman.

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Or even when a strong woman, who has taken on the role of caregiver, suddenly weakens mentally, emotionally. She is no longer the one who takes care of things. That can be almost impossile to take, on the part of the one being cared for and for the caregiver who now needs care that she often doesn't receive.

I think that ANY change in the way that a relationship works most often will cause anxiety, pain and confusion. Most people are comfortable with what they know, and to what they are familiar. Add illness to the mix, affecting either or both parties, and the relationship becomes much more complicated.

I think that the most important thing in a changed relationship, is for both parties to work hard to achieve some modicum of homeostasis.

Wise as usual.

And things can change even within the day. What started out as a very good day, can slowly inch down to a day filled with pain. Those constant changes can really play hell with one's psyche. Certainly to the one that is ill and the caregiver as well, especially when the caregiver loves the one being cared for.