Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Phoenix, I remember when I first had a guy from the imac store in Arcata come to the house to straighten some stuff out on my computer. (Can't remember why he came out instead of my dragging big blue over there.) Not that I am computer smart now, but I was a true dolt then. His hands flew. That probably cost $50. to 60. then, worth every penny. He did about a zillion moves in that hour, asking me questions and explained his moves to me, who sat there scribbling away.

The problem is our egos and need to keep self esteem, and where self esteem resides, different for all of us.

Glad to see you back, Diane.

Phoenix, was Mr. P anxious during those three hours?

littlek- There are neurologists who specialize in the dementias. You might want to urge her to see one. They will give her some tests to determine whether she indeed is suffering from early dementia, be it alzheiners' or vascular dementia (as a result of small strokes, of which she might not have even been aware.)

The advantage of doing this, is that there are medications that won't cure, but will slow down the disease process , and maximize her functioning.

Absolutely not. I was the nervous wreck.

Oh, Phoe.

I didn't live with my mother as she was dipping into alzheimers. For some of it my father was around and for some of it, I didn't get it, though I visited, mm, 4 x week. It was when I took her to Boston (she was from Watertown) after my father died that I caught on. There wasn't any online then.
Indeed, my esteemed medical colleagues were no help. This was 1969.

I think, for now, you could be assertive to Mr. P, whom I've met twice and like.
Not sure how. Being assertive is not all that smooth a way.

I know that sometimes when seniors get into being difficult (now there's a word) things can be going on re meds and much else. I'm figuring you are looking at the morass of that.

Phoenix, when we last met, I plain old liked Mr. P and didn't just see a lot of problems re you guys. Probably you were antennaed to them and were living it days and nights on the trip.
Probably all of us around that table were some kind of mess in our own ways.
Not to be maudlin, but Phoenix, did I ever tell you I love you? Ok, that's corny.
Regard.

Me too, but if you don't tell her, neither will I.

Me three!

As you know, Dys is a very private man, so I won't go into lots of detail, but I know for certain that my being bi-polar has made things far more difficult for him (and for me) than they would have been.

One of the problems, I htink, is that when one gets seriously ill, it is near to impossible to be fully aware,and attentive to, the other's needs. I had a stroke two years ago and that has caused problems with memory and emotion. Luckily, my recovery has been better than expected, which helps immensely.

With both spouses sick, the going doesn't always go in the right direction, so to speak.

One example I "forgot" to give is when Dys will ask me for a cup of tea. I will go into the kitchen and start to putter, may fix some lunch, all the time having no thought of the tea. I realize that everyone has moments like that once in a while, but when it is most of the time, Dys is left sitting there, waiting for tea, not sure when or if it might come.

Have Dys tie a teabag around your thumb Diane after he asks for a cup of tea. That might help.

You are one smart cookie, Tsarstepan.

I know there are therapies. The problem is getting Mom on board with going to check into it. I think she would poo-poo me and possibly she would cry if I asked her to see someone about it.

Maybe you two need walkie-talkies.

Butrflynet- Normally, that would be a good idea. Problem is, where I live, in a 55+ community, you don't see hide nor hair of adolescents for miles around.

Funny thing though. My girlfriend's son, who is 50ish and divorced, does do chores for people, and charges reasonably. He IS great on computers, and would have been a logical choice of someone to ask to do the job. Mr. P. would not hear of it,and there was nothing that I could do that would change his mind.

So, the question becomes, why do you allow this.

It's a tough quesion.

Osso- I think that the prostate cancer, and the broken knee has taken its toll in the last couple of years. Mr. P has always been very independent, and I think that he is fighting against the loss of his physical abilities. Mentally, he is just about as sharp as ever.

In fact, he is super scrupulous about his pressure meds. So much so, that he titrates them himself, which is not so great. He will take his pressure, and when it appears to be going up, he will increase his pills, and then it will shoot down, and then he takes something to raise it up, etc. etc. THAT issue is a losing battle for me.

And no Osso, you are not being corny. Your feelings about me mean a lot. I don't know what it is about Albuquerque. All of you guys are treasures, and
one of the joys of my life.

Good, good, that he has the mental abilities. (I think we need another lunch).

Re us here, you are loved. Both of you.

littlek- Could you enlist the help of your mom's primary doctor? He has much less of an emotional tie to your mom than you. She might just listen to his suggestions faster than yours. You might want to "clue him in" before taking your mom to the doctor.

I don't know if you know this, but one of the things that I have been doing for few years is work as a volunteer facilitator in a caregiver's group. The majority of the people who come through the group are spouses or children of people who have some sort of dementia.

Often a doctor can accomplish a lot more than the family.

Good for you, phoenix, that must be (what to say?) engaging, which sounds like a false word but not meant that way. Really engaging.

Di- Have you ever had long, serious talk with dys about this? You might want to explain to him about how frustrating this forgetting is to you. He has learned to count on you, and together with the fact that he is not well himself, may feel neglected.

I think that a "damsel in distress" is far more attractive to the protective instincts of a man, than a bitch who doesn't give a damn.

Phoenix, honey, you are sooooo right and I know you would howl with laughter if you saw me being a damsel in distress. Madeleine Kahn is the only woman I know who could do it with such hilarious style. I can be a bitch, but damsel in distress? That would put Dys right into a permanently stunned state of catatonia.

I do try to keep things at an even level and Dys tries to be patient, so it isn[t as bad as I sometimes paint it. We both need more patience, but we both have times when patience is almost a foreign word. Still, we both do try.