Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

It's always encouraging to hear that others are in the same situation - which reminds me that I wrote such in my MA-thesis about selfhelp groups.

We are taken care of my mother (85, lives 18 km's away) now since nearly 40 month .... and have arranged things more and more.

I've learnt a lot in that period ... but still I'm exhausted after every daily stay there (between 2 and 5 hours) like someone, who works shift in a coal mine.

The funny thing is that after half an hour those 'stories' seem to be funny even for me.


My mother's mental health situation is always good/better ... when her physical situation is bad (= mostly that she can't walk). And vice versa.


But since I've been in the navy, I'm used to the up and down of waves, even those high ones like in the Biskaya.

Mostly, I admit. :wink:

Thanks guys, for your support. Anyhow I went to the ALF, and my mother was achy, but not in any terrible distress.

One of these days I will learn to take all this with a grain of salt.......................

Phoenix, Lord Ellpus--

Glad you made it through the night.

Mr. Noddy is more rational today--with no recollection of yesterday's glorious flights of fancy.

Walter--

I admire your daily good humored coping.

Walter, I completely forgot that you have been involved with this type of scenario for so long, sorry.

I have been doing a lot of cramming on the subject today, in between twiddling around on A2K during periods when I felt the need for a break.

One article I was reading (was it on A2K?...or the net somewhere?) was expounding the theory that dementia affects the brain in a similar way to bringing someone halfway down a ladder.
It cited the case of an 80+ year old man who had always kept his brain well exercised by solving puzzles and honing his skills at chess. Apparently, he could mentally picture a game of chess, eight moves into the future and adapt his game accordingly.
When he started suffering from dementia, nobody really noticed because, the theory goes, his brain was reduced to that of an average human being.
He, however, was most upset because he started losing chess games.

The conclusion seemed to be that the brain should be pushed to its mental limits on regular occasions, so as to keep it well exercised.

I think that, if there is any truth in this theory, it could be a reason why my mum's behaviour and mental capacity is so markedly different from what it was only a couple of months ago.
She never has been one for quizzes, crosswords or puzzles and has lived her life on a diet of TV soaps, mushy books and a total lack of interest in political programmes, debates or documentaries.
Time and time again I've tried to engage her in conversation about news items or current affairs, but usually end up talking about the weather, or who did what in Coronation Street.

On the ladder of brain life, she was only ever interested in getting halfway up the ladder, and now she is rapidly descending.





....the other thing I came across was an Australian article saying that tests carried out, proved that gardening, followed by a moderate amount of alcohol, seems to work wonders in keeping dementia at bay.

Unfortunately I read this the wrong way round, had a large whisky, staggered into the garden with pruner in hand, bounced off the cherry tree and fell into the border, crushing my saxifraga.

I shall do the gardening first, tomorrow.

LE- I read something recently that came to a similar conclusion as your article. Apparently, there had been a study of people who were very intellectually active, who were starting to show the beginning signs of Alzheimer's disease. When the doctors did an MRI, they found that these people displayed the levels of plaques and tangles in the brain, that would be consonant with a much lower level of functioning than those people exhibited.

The conclusion that was drawn, was that these people, by being intellectually active, had set up for themselves a sort of "reserve" in mental functioning that allowed them to function at a higher level than would be expected with someone with the physical signs of the disease.

Mrs. Walter went to every dementia lecture which was hold in the various institutions (I did so only as her absentee substitute); she's a real specialist by now.

What still disturbes me most - confuses me, others might say - is, when mother is as she was resp. what I like to remember she was alike: humour, quick-witted, interested in all the world and his brother ... and seconds later to ask me that I didn't need to come daily since she would now look at the house, do the shopping, cooking, papers etc and of course the nurses should stay away ...... .......

Walter- This is one of the most daunting aspects of dealing with someone who has dementia. One minute the person can be her old rational self, the next she is off in "la-la land".

There are times that I can have wonderful conversations with my mother. Then, as if a switch has been turned off, all of a sudden she becomes confused, and disoriented.

Walter--

Could your mother's momentary independence be wistful thinking?

Also, what I'm finding is that there is an enormous gap between what Mr. Noddy says and what he does about what he says.

It is almost as though he's living a memory of what he was for a few minutes--and the memory is more "real" and certainly more palatable than reality.

So, in conclusion, the answer for all of us seems to be that we should read Tolstoy at least once a week, get into a major political ding dong with someone on A2k, and when we reach the age when we regularly enter a different reality, hone the brain to make sure that it is that particular memory from when we were 18, and lying down in the cornfield with that "special person".

You forgot the brisk walk before breakfast and the areobic session in mid-afternoon.

when our parents were aging , we didn't see them very often because they had decided not to come to canada permanently. they had visited here while they were in thir 60's, enjoyed their stay but felt that it was not a good idea to "transplant an old tree" , as say said. i remember when we visited my mother when she was 85 - my father had died the year before - and was quite happy to see that she was looking after herself quite well. she still had her own apartment, did her shopping, read the paper ...
we noticed however that she could remember her younger years much better than she remembered where she had put her money. she knew that she had to look after her money, so she devised quite a sytem to safeguard her money. she had a safe-deposit box at her bank in which she kept her bankbook. so if she wanted to withdraw any money, she had to see the bankclerk with her key and ask for access to the box. the box would be unlocked , she'd get her bankbook, withdraw some money, lock-up the box etc.
since it was a small bank-office, everyone knew her and looked after her. i recall that i went with her at one time when we visiting and she decided to withdraw more than her usual weekly "allowance" as she called it. the bank-manager asked to see me and questioned me. i identified myself, thanked him for looking after mother's interest and everything was fine. the system worked well for her.
after that last visit with her her, she only lived for another year; the last six months in a seniors' home.

a good friend of ours here in kingston suffered from alzheimer's for a number of years, and we visited and helped her quite often when she still living in her own home. as the disease progressed, we had the feeling that her brainfunction was much like there was a the occasional short-circuit. she could talk quite well with us when we were visiting, but we might receive a phone-call from her half-an-hour later asking about her glasses ... we'd drive back and find them on the table or a drawer ... she could always laugh about it; she never complained or got mad - except about herself on occasion.

right now an 80 year old friend of ours is in a rehab/seniors' home. he had a massive strike a year ago and seems to have lost interest in all but TV and food. he was always very active ... winters in florida, large garden, fishing, boating etc.
now he hardly wants to get out of bed at all and since he eats for two, he's been gaining a lot of weight - he already was a big and weighty fellow. it's sad to see, that there is really nothing that motivates him to get out-of-bed except for about an hour or two of physiotherapy a day and a twice weekly visit to the exercise pool. he hopes - and wants - to go home, but makes no effort to help himself. his wife has told him, that she wouldn't be able to handle him at home - he simply shuts it out and talks about going home soon . he's as bright as can be, but has a block when it comes to talk seriously about helping in the rehab process. it's pretty sad to see a once very active person just being in bed 22 hours a day.
hbg

I think that one of the saddest things about caring about a person with dementia is the split between what the person was, and what he now is. Funny thing though, with my mother, she has not changed much, but her personality is only "more so". The big difference is the almost complete loss of short term memory, and the beginning of a degradation of the long term memory.

If I listen carefully, I can understand what she is saying. Often she confuses my son with my brother. Sometimes when she says that she does not remember something, I will fill her in with some cues, and she will eventually remember.

I have reached a certain sense of peace about my relationship with my mother. In the beginning, I was very resentful of the time that I needed to devote to her, mostly because she was not very supportive of me, when I was a kid. As she is declining, she realizes what I am doing for her, and for the first time in my life, she is showing me some appreciation. Maybe I am a sucker for a compliment, but I am no longer angry at her.

Maybe, Phoenix, you've grown wiser than she ever was.

Hold your dominion.

Just got home a little while ago. This morning, I had gotten a call from the ALF that my mother was not feeling well. She was short of breath, and was claiming that she was not feeling well. I had her put on her oxygen (she usually only uses it at night), and had the staff bring her lunch to her room. She ate very well, and by the time that I left at around 2, she was looking and feeling much better.

At 5 I get a call that she is again short of breath. They called her MD, who naturally told them to send her to the ER. She had been there and released only last week.

I went to the hospital, and she is madder than a wet hen. She has no idea why she is there, and states that she is feeling perfectly fine. Anyhow, the ER doc goes through his thing, chest X Ray, blood work, EKG, and pronounces her fit as a fiddle.

They take her back to the ALF, and she is acting like she is at death's door. I don't know how much more that I want (and am able) to take of this. I know that she is frightened. She has been talking about death for the last few weeks. I also know that she is a #1 drama queen, and she is playing it to the third balcony.

I am going to have a conference with the hospice nurse, and see if we put our heads together, we can come up with a plan that will both benefit my mother, and allow me to keep my sanity.

This has been so consuming for you, Phoenix!

A big hug.

fbaezer- Thanks. I needed that!

I do think it has been a tremendous roller coaster of feelings and anguish for you.
Another hug.

That is often so with brain damage stuff...

I have discussed it with friends, and we are thinking stuff like that the "personality channel" pathways in our brains are so well used, and so well networked, that they are highly resistant to damage...thta is, there is lots of built in redundancy.


Often, demented folk, unless very key brain areas go early, maintain a kind of shell of their former selves....habits, if not content, of speech remain the same....personal style can remain.......courteous, regal, imperious, charming.


Not always, of course....and the perfect lady may scream coarse sexual words etc.


THAT is awful.


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I really understand. I STILL have regular nightmares about the last few years of my father's life.......and I do not feel my physical or emotional health has fully recovered itself....and he died in 1992!((@!!!!!

Hoping that you'll stay well, Phoenix!


(My mother fortunately isn't so - but m-i-l, 78 and objectively really fit for her age, is a hypochondriac par excellence.
Fortunately, we only have to act/react by phone .... and there are easy solutions :wink: )

Yup! She still comes off to people as a snob, and then complains that she has no friends. In this ALF, sometimes people live there for a short while, like when their caretakers go on vacation, and then they return home.

A couple of months ago, there was a woman who latched onto my mother, but now she left. During the time that the woman was there, my mother complained bitterly how this woman would not leave her alone.................now she is upset that her "friend" is gone!

Nearly twenty years ago, there was a widower who took a fancy to my mother. He would do anything for her. He took her to the doctor, and helped her with her errands. They were together for seven years, (they weren't living together. He was a neighbor).

Anyhow, during the whole time, my mother complained about how this man bugged her. He would come in the evenings, and fall asleep in front of her TV. She resented that. At one time she needed radiation for some skin cancer. He went with her every day for weeks, and sat with her. \
She complained that when she came out of treatment, that the man wouldn't even lift his head away from the magazine that he was reading to ask her how she was. For Pete's sake, he took her to the doctor, and sat and waited for her. What more did she want???? He was a sweet, indulgent guy, and he adored my mother.


Of course, she complained bitterly about nonsensical things things about him that bugged her. She couldn't stand the sound that the muffler made on his car, and she constantly talked about it.

I got pissed off one day, and told her that if he was so obnoxious to her that she should break it off with him. Her answer, "I need him". I mention this story, because she was doing the same thing now with her girl friend, that she did with the man.

Thanks guys, for your words of support. Dlowan, I can certainly understand that you are still experiencing pain about your father. There is so much involved in dealing with failing parents.............love connected with hate, guilt, anger, resentment, the whole nine yards!