Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Well, I made the changes to my mother's health insurance. It is going to cost her, but I figured out that according to the usage that my mother made of the health services this year, she will come out ahead with regular Medicare, a Medigap, and a Part D.

Last week the doctor told me that he wanted to refer my mother to hospice. We seem to have a very active hospice in our community, and the workers come right into the assisted living facility.

At first I was a bit taken aback, but after I spoke to the hospice staff, feel much better about it. It was when the nurse asked me if I wanted to sign a DNR, that threw me. She explained the rationale for this, and I agreed.

Apparently, with hospice, she is entitled to a lot of services that will be paid for by Medicare. For instance, her primary diagnosis, is congestive heart failure. Any drugs that have to do with CHF, will be paid for by hospice.

I am still letting this all settle in.

Well, I just found A2K tonight and actually spent about an hour and a half going through all the posts on this thread. LOL. I think I found heaven.

I'm 29 and live with my mother and grandmother. Mom and I have moved all over together and it's just never been necessary for me to move out on my own yet. Well, a few years ago, Mom hit a crossroads and had her job downsized. We were in Denver at the time and Mom wanted to move back home to Scranton. I was going back to school (finally) in Denver. Mom's sibs (two sisters and a brother) suggested that we move in with Grandma back here in Scranton. So we agreed. Grandma was just at the point where she needed a little extra help and monitoring. Nothing even gave us a hint of what was to come. I gave up school, which I still resent to a very large degree, since I simply cannot afford to go back in this area. BUt we did it, we moved back here to take care of Grandma.

Well, a few years later and we're at the 24/7 monitoring point. She has diabetes, CHF, TIAs and a few other things I forget the names for. We have a woman (friend of my local aunt's) coming in for the overlap periods when Mom and I are both at work - $10 an hour. Work has become a refuge.

We go through the resentfulness and the mental abuse. Grandma is a champ at making you feel like mud, let me tell you. I love my room. Grandma is not supposed to come upstairs anymore. Yeah, right. Her bed is now downstairs, but she insists she's going to die in her upstairs bedroom, which is where the computer is now and, boy, does she hate that. It uses electricity, doncha know? She could be a bloody ninja for all the noise she makes coming up the stairs. We even have a baby monitor. It's either that or be in her presence constantly. Neither of us can handle that.

The relatives promised us help, but it feels like they're just begging out of that whenever we do ask for help. I know we should make standing arrangements each week to get some downtime, but Mom won't. She's just so angry at Grandma and her sibs. She keeps saying we should move out, but we can't. She says this was a mistake, and she's right. We should never have moved in here. Since we did, the family thinks that we can do it all ourselves. We're stuck and Mom's growing to resent Grandma and her sibs.

Myself, well, I'd like to finish school before I turn forty and actually have a chance at getting a job in the library field. But while Grandma's alive that just won't happen. So, I get to feel guilty for thinking that and still resentful that I'm in this situation at all. I have, by the way, told Mom that when the time comes for her caretaking, it's all on my brother. I'll act like my far-away aunt and come in when I can, but that's all. I know it sounds cold, but guess what, I don't really care. I wanted no children, but I now have an 82-year old one? I refuse to be in this situation twice in my life. When I get like this, either shove me off a cliff or stick me in the worst nursing home you can find so it ends fast.

Wow, I really didn't mean to type so much. Sorry.

Heather

For those interested in Mental Health, I created a thread that might be of interest to you. It relates to this topic.

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=66164&highlight=

DevonShea5 - Welcome to A2K!




You are 29, and don't find it necessary to move out on your own? How's this for a reason? You are being tied to an 82 year old woman who appears to be the focus, (and the bane) of your existence.

When my mom was widowed, (in 1974) she asked me whether I would take care of her in her old age. I told her that I would make sure that she was comfortable, and had everything that she needed, but that she could never live with me.

Does Grandma own her home? If she sold it, would she have the funds to stay in an assisted living facility? If not, is there a senior center that she could go to during the day? For years my mom, when she was living on her own, was picked up and taken to an adult day care center. They served her lunch, and she had the socialization of peers. Check out the opportunities in your area. There may me more than you think.

As a young person, I think that it is important for you to make your own life, now. You can make suggestions to your mother as to what the best thing is for her to do, but basically, it is her life. You don't have to be joined at the hip with both your mother and grandmother.

Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

http://www.unitedneighborhoodcenters.org/aging_services.htm

http://www.aging.state.pa.us/

DevonShea--

Welcome to A2K.

I know that in PA all sorts of Community College grants and loans are available and I'm sure there are facilities in the Scranton area. I assume you are living rent free right now? Even with winter heating costs, free rent makes your $10/hour paycheck stretch.

Ranting is necessary--and useful--but research will do you more long-time good.

Hope to see you on A2K.

Oh, I know all the things I should do, but at the same time that dutiful daughter crap gets in the way. The main problem is money. I can't afford college or moving out on my own at the moment. Living with Mom has just been easier. I have a tendency to be a little lazy if I can get away with it. Neither Mom nor I expected Grandma to end up like this. It was never in our thoughts. She's always been independent and spunky as all get out.

At this point, there is also the fact that I'm allowing myself to be a crutch for my mother, so she doesn't murder her mother. If she had to deal with this alone (she's divorced from my crumb of a father), well, she'd be in a mental facility right now.

The goal is this: When Grandma dies (bad granddaughter!) Mom gets the house and I get to go back to college. I then get my degree and move as far away from this wretched city as I can and still be on the East Coast. I will happily bury myself in either my books or my bones for the rest of my life. LOL. If I can get a degree in Physical Anthropology, great. If not (most likely not) then I will get a Library Science degree and be just as happy.

Putting Grandma in assisted living is the last possibility. Even selling the house won't bring enough to put her in a decent one. It's just not worth enough. There's also the fact that my silly mother promised Grandma she'd never do it. Even though she has told her that if it were ever done Mom would never sign the papers, Grandma will blame her, everyone knows it. And the idea of that just about kills Mom. It's that dutiful daughter crap rearing its ugly head again. Also, Grandma refuses to really leave the house anymore. She never liked the Senior Centers when she went after she retired. She did go on trips with friends and to baseball games until the end of this year when she really took a bad turn, but now, nothing. She's frail and ready to go.

I want her to last through March. That's the next time my brother and niece and nephew are coming in to visit. LOL. Knowing the tough old broad, she'll outlive me!

*sigh* Nothing to do but tough it out and hope I still love her when she does die. It's certainly teaching Mom and I about what we want "when we're 64."

Cheers.

DevonShea--

You are part of the carbon cycle, which means you must choose either to grow or to decay.

You have modified free will.

I don't think that "dutiful daughter" has much to do with this. You have stated yourself that you are lazy, and it is easier to live off grandma than go out on your own.

Apparently, you and your mother are using Grandma for your own ends. You cannot afford to be on your own, so you are waiting for grandma to die, so that you can get her house, and do what you want.

It is one thing to care for a person out of "duty" or simply out of the goodness of your heart. It is quite another when you are actually beholden to the person for whom you are caring. This, from what you have said, is apparently the case here.

I also think that some of your decisions re grandma have more to do with your comfort than hers. If her house were sold to pay for professional care, you and your mother would be left without a place to live.

Apparently, you have made a "deal with the devil." In that case, if I were you, I would just keep my mouth shut, and be as kind as you are able to your potential benefactor. Grandma may just surprise you and live for a long, long, time.

Phoenix my dear, in this post, you have just about described the type of day that I have had today.
The geographical location and circumstances are different, but my mental state is, at this moment in time, almost identical to how yours was when you posted the "rant".

My 84 year old mother, who lives about five miles from my home, is just about changing up into top gear on her journey into full blown altzheimers.

I am one of five offspring, but the only one that has stayed local. Naturally, the practical side of sorting mum out with things from everyday things, right through to arranging for home help, meals and shopping has fallen to me, from the very first day that she showed signs of physical frailty, which was about three years ago.
About four months ago, mum started making weird phone calls to me, which ranged from telling me that strange people were banging on her door late at night (since proven to be false, after a lot of worry and beefing up of security features to doors and windows, police involvement etc).......through to more recent phone calls, telling me that she is phoning from a strange call box somewhere, and asking me to bring her home.
I didn't have caller ID display on my phone at the time (I have now) so could not tell where the call was coming from, which caused all sorts of major panic.
After a lot of calming down, I got her to answer some questions and ascertained that she was actually in bed at home.....blah blah etc.

To cut a long story short, these calls came thick and fast over the next week or so, always following the same pattern. Early evening.....same type of scenario (want to go home).....same panicky state of mind and same initial anger when I first attempt to calm her down. Once calmed, she pleads with me to go over there, and when I arrive she greets me with a big smile and acts as if nothing has happened.

Needless to say, I have been in close contact with her GP, who has liaised with the mental health specialists, who have carried out (very recently) an assessment which has now triggered lots of extra "care in the community" type input. This includes visits from a personal care assistant, trips out to day centres, cooked meals being delivered each day (lunch), and regular visits from the district nurse.

But the early evening phone calls have now spread out to cover most of the day (at home AND at my place of work), and have stepped up a gear......the record so far is fifteen, all following the same aforementioned pattern.

Today, the reason I have been tipped over the edge and am now ranting, things started at 2am when my Mum called me (I was in the most wonderful sleep) to tell me that her lunch hadn't arrived. She was reliably informed that it was night time, got mad with me and hung up her phone. Return phone call was made, along with hot drinks and much pacing, and everyone went back to bed about an hour later.

I was then woken at 4.30am, when she asked if I had gone out with the dog yet (I normally take the dog out between 5-6pm) ....I again told her that it was still night time. She started crying, saying that she didn't know where she was, her ankle was swollen like a balloon.....and we ended up in the emergency room at about 5.30.

Just watch any Fawlty Towers episode, which will pretty much cover the next five or six hours, after which I finally got home.

I have just dealt with the fourth phone call of the evening (it is 10.30pm as I write), and I have made up my mind to take this whole situation in my stride and either go into the garden and howl at the moon until the little men in white coats arrive, or make a hot drink, unplug the phone and go to bed, full of worry that she may be trying to contact me.


Tomorrow, first thing, I will be having a very long conversation with her assigned nurse from the mental health team, in an effort to sort out this rapidly worsening situation.



I think I have decided on the hot drink and bed scenario, as it is raining outside........



Phoenix (and others on this thread), you have made me realise that I am not alone.

Thanks.

Lord E--

My sympathy.

Mr. Noddy is having a peculiar day. He's convinced that several years ago when hospitalized for over medication that he took a nurse hostage and "they" barricaded off one ward of the hospital.

I insist this did not happen. I am unsympathetic.

Lord Ellpus- No dear, you are not alone. Funny, I see that you just wrote this post. I was looking for this thread just now because I just had another "wonderful" day with my mother, taking her to the doctor, and then for an X-Ray.

One thing that the great folks at the ALF keep attempting to drum into my thick head, is that people with dementia, ( and others) beat up on the ones that they know that they can count on. I need to hear that every once in awhile.

Has your mom reached the point where she needs to be in a place where she can be watched by professionals? I remember that before I moved my mother to the ALF, I would get all kinds of calls, (I can't open the door, etc)and found that my life was revolving around hers. Every time the phone rang, I would jump.

Today, I was sitting on a number of queues attempting to straighten out my mom's medical insurance. Bottom line, everything was ok, but the idiots at the insurance company had me tearing my hair out of my head.

Is there any way that you can avoid the middle of the night phone calls? Even if it means taking your phone off the hook, you need to get your sleep.

Anyway, LE, if you want to ventilate, or just bitch and gripe, PM me, and I would be happy to offer any support that I can muster.

Hey, it ain't easy. I am at the point where I wonder if there is any point to "pulling my mother from the jaws of death". Even she said that it was time for her to go, but obviously, she is made of sturdy stuff. I question as to whether is would be the right thing to let nature take its course!

Thanks Noddy, I am now sitting here with a mug of hot choc as I type.

Mum was in a major panic tonight, convinced that all five of us "kids" were out drinking somewhere and had got into trouble with the police. The "place where she was" had several staff who were ignoring her, so she had emptied out one of the cupboards in an effort to find a book that contained our phone numbers.
She had then looked in another old lady's handbag in search of a phone and found one, which she promptly used to contact me and tell me off for causing all this trouble.
She was then going to phone all of my siblings, in order to give them the same type of rollicking.
After repeating myself almost word for word during these four phone calls, I have either convinced her that she is in actual fact at home, or she has got fed up with me and is now phoning around the various family members.
As two live in Australia, one lives in France and another lives in Cornwall (about three hundred miles away), I can see that she is going to have quite a phone bill at the end of the month.

I am still debating whether to unplug for the night.....or not.

I am drinking right now, in order to control the complete frustration that I feel. I am not normally a drinker, but I feel completely out of control in this situation.

Phoenix, you are hitting all the right notes here.

"Can't open the door" "Beating up on people they can count on"
"My life revolving around hers" ..........."jump when the phone rings"

I now shudder when the phone rings in the early evening to the extent that I have now entered mum's number into a seperate directory on the house handsets, with a different ringtone. At least, when it rings with the "normal" tone, I know that it is now someone other than mum.

I think as far as the supervision thing is concerned, I have reached that decision tonight. Mum needs to be in a home. There....I've said it.

I will have a serious chat with someone about this tomorrow.


Thanks for the offer of a PM shoulder, Phoenix. I may take you up on this, but don't be surprised if I never get round to it, as I am very much the sort that bottles it up and rants occasionally.

Unhealthy, I know.

Typical bloke, really. I feel much better now though.

HA!

You are not going to believe this, but in my first post on this thread, I actually finished by writing ".....and if you lived round the corner from me Phoenix, I would take you to the nearest pub so that we could get totally drunk together"

But then I deleted it, as I thought that it could either get misinterpreted, or that it would sound bad.
I now confess to having a very large glass of red wine brfore making the hot drink.

Cheers!

Right, the phone is now unplugged and I'm off to bed.


Not looking forward to tomorrow.

Phoenix, Lord Ellpus--

Enjoy! At least the libations.

Old age isn't for sissies--particularly when you're the people coping with Colorful End-of-Life, Strong-Willed Women.

Hold your dominions.

Oy! At 6:30 AM, I was awakened by one of the women who work at the ALF. Seems that my mother fell. She did not want to go to the hospital, but would like to see the doctor. I have been through this so many times..............sitting in the ER for 4-6 hours, waiting while she went through all the tests, X-Rays etc, and then discovering that she had nothing but a bone bruise.

At 7:30, I got another call. Seems that my mother was complaining that she was hurting. I will pop in and take a look to see if anything looks awry, but I sincerely doubt it. My mother complains when she has a hangnail. If she had broken something, I am sure that everyone would know it!

I was really looking forward to a day where I could think about something besides my mother!

Sympathy to Ellpus and Phoenix from here. My dealing with my mother's dementia was long ago and far away, but I remember it and the anxiety oh so well.

Sorry to hear that the situation isn't improving, Phoenix.

At my end, I have put some wheels into motion, in the hope of getting some real action.....and quick!

So...in the meantime, I am distracting myself on A2K as usual.

Keep yer chin up, eh?