Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

I hope, you're doing fine, Tomkitten! (Still on the "library job"?)

Yep! I am now running the Newsletter altogether and contributing a book column every week. It's terrific fun.

That really does sound great! And I'm glad you enjoy it so much.

I'm going to have to start reading this thread.

A couple of months ago, my brother decided to move our good family friend (sort of a "second mom") into a memory care unit at the insistence of her doctors. "MC" is 82, suffers from polyneuropathy and dementia, among other things. She has been using a walker for over a year. My brother has been primary caregiver since her health began to decline some years ago. MC and her husband were best friends with our parents. She was at the hospital when I, my sister, my brother, and my son were born. I have spent part of Christmas Day with her every year of my life, and she has walked with our family through its darkest days. I guess it's our turn.

MC was a corporate executive in the days when women in management were almost unheard 0f. Tall, beautiful, glamorous, with a voice that was so perfect it was used for broadcasting. For years she was trusted with multimillion dollar accounts, and yet today she can't be trusted with her own phone.

They tried home health care, but the workers weren't satisfactory. They fed her and administered meds, but otherwise neglected her. She retreated into her bedroom and stayed in bed for days at a time. In addition to becoming emotionally fragile, she became so weak she took a number of falls, ending up in a rehab hospital. She would not cooperate with the regimen there, so they released her but all agreed she should not return to her current living arrangement. (sigh)

MC is a social creature, and she has become much stronger during the past couple of months in her new place. She joins in all the activities and is less resentful than she was at first, although she does still blame my brother for "locking her up." In many ways, I think this is as hard for him as it is for her. He seems rather lost lately.

I've been down to visit twice so far. (They didn't want anyone to visit for the first 3 weeks or so.) I live about 100 miles away. I've always visited her two or three times a year, and called every month or two. I have the phone number at the nursing home and could call her there (she can't call out.) But I wonder if that would be a good idea or if it would seem strange to her that I'd contact her more often than usual. I've tried to keep things as "normal" as possible between us. It's difficult to know the right thing to do.

Sorry for ranting. Thanks for listening.

The human condition sucks....


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Eva)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Well I don't know for sure Eva, but I think this thread was started at least party to give folks a chance to rant, vent, ask questions, or just unload a bit because so many of us are dealing with this with loved ones.

MC is lucky to find a place where she feels a sense of community. My Mom's older sister outlived my Mom for some time and spent her last years in a great nursing home in Plainview TX. She was extremely active---up and fully dressed in makeup and hose every morning (clothes too--she looked like she was ready for church), participated in all the activities. In contrast Hubhy's mom would not participate in anything and would not leave her room, but it was her choice. She was quite hard of hearing which isolated her somewhat and having to use a walker embarrassed her.

My Mom was never in a nursing home and threatened to come back and haunt us all if we put her in one. We believed her.

Hi Eva, and welcome. This is a terrific thread. Read it whenever you have a minute - maybe a little at a time - and you'll get to know some really good people, many of whom have been in just your situation. As for your brother - "this is as hard for him as it is for her" - yes it is every bit that hard. Many of us have been through this, some are still going through it.

So don't be afraid to ask, report, comment - whatever. It's not ranting, maybe more like venting. If you need an outlet, this is the place; there's always someone to provide help and comfort.

Thanks, you guys.

Deb, a lot of things about the human condition are really wonderful. I remember years when MC would arrive at our house in the latest sports car, dripping with diamonds, and I wanted to be just like her one day. But the way she is now...oh yes, THIS phase of the human condition really does suck.

Just outside every room, there is a locked, glass-front cabinet where the resident and their family can place treasured objects, photos and mementos for display. In each case, an effort has been made to "sum up" a lifetime. I find it incredibly, unbelievably sad.

Foxfyre, thanks for understanding. I wouldn't say MC feels a sense of community...not yet, anyway. I think she participates in everything as a way to prove that she's perfectly capable of doing everything there. She thinks she just has a "slight memory problem" and doesn't belong there. If we were to confront her with many of the things she has done, she would be horrified. At any rate, she sees herself as helping the staff take care of the other patients. (I should mention that 10 years ago, she was the head of a local hospital's volunteer auxiliary. Helping patients and their families deal with the health care institution was something she not only did regularly, but trained many others to do.)

Yes, Tomkitten, I am reading here in bits and pieces. I can only take so much at a time. (I feel a little guilty admitting that. I suppose that is part of the process.)

Believe me, I already know how great the people here are.

Started to read about you lot, but got to the stage that it became depressing.. But I admire the way most of you have been able to " work with it "... I'm 76, my wife is 67 been happily married for 45 years. Both my parents have long since passed away.
20 odd years ago We built a very large home ( I was in the building game ) we added a large one bedroom home and it was attached to ours and moved my wife's parents into it.
They were great people and I loved them very much, but ten years ago they both started to come down with Alzheimers and gradually it came to the stage that my wife was so beside herself trying to look after them, that even though I was as helpful as I could be, I knew that it was at the stage, where.. If I didn't do something, my wife would have a mental breakdown.
I arranged for both parents to go into temporary nursing care for 4 weeks and took my wife on a holiday, whilst away, her father banged his forehead and was hospitalized ( became a vegetable ), causing the abrupt end to the holiday.
Eventually because of his injury it required him to be in the nursing home, it then became horrific for us, as my father in law had and still was, a very very domineering man with not the least amount of love for anyone but himself, his wife was completely indoctrinated to his whims and worshiped the ground he walked on, and as she wasn't able to stay with him in the nursing home we had to take her around each day to sit with him and pick her up in the afternoon to bring her home. Ten minutes after bringing her home she would get quite nasty... Saying it's about time we took her to see her precious husband, as she hadn't seen him for weeks, no amount of talking could change her mind and she would rant and rave till the next morning. Eventually 1 year or so later she was so bad that they allowed her to stay at the nursing home and it then meant only having to go in twice a week. About 3 months ago my wife's father died... but not for his wife, she still has to be told every day that he's gone but she couldn't remember, very soon she will be at the stage her husband was-- a vegetable just to lye there not speaking not hearing not knowing not anything, the last 3 years have been terrible for my wife, watching one parents die a vegetable and now to watch her mother go the same way-- oh if only there was legal euthanasia, I find watching my wife go through this mental torture unbearable.

Oh, Eva. Your description of what is going on with MC affects me greatly. Crushingly sad.

This has been a vibrant woman. You know the stories about nuns doing crossword puzzles and warding off alzheimers (or similar)? I've known now of many really attentive tuned in people who have gotten dementia, and I'm not sure if I believe that brain exercise thing.

I might have missed if you've seen her in the new place yet. I'd do that first before calling her. I think I wouldn't stint on calling her after that, as time wends its way, and she is in a transitional, um, phase, where she can still have emotional pleasure. Of course, I suppose confusion can happen with calls..

I don't know about calls personally, maybe others here do. Calls were out of the question with my own mother.

Tenderfoot, welcome to a2k.

Tough things going on for you and your wife. The thing about being jolted away from a respite vacation is so very trying - plus, of course, everything else.

I am so sorry that you and your wife have to go through this. I agree, it isn't fair.

Re: your mother-in law...Is someone breaking the news of her husband's death to her every day?! Why??? That is really cruel. I would think it would be better just to say something like, "OK, we'll go see him in a little while," and let it go at that. She won't remember that any longer than she now remembers he's dead. From everything I've been told, it's better to protect the patient's emotional state than worry about keeping their mind aligned with reality.

Is that what the rest of you have been told? How has that worked for you?

Yes, Osso. I've been down to see her twice so far. The staff didn't want anyone to visit for the first few weeks, so I had to wait. She lives about 100 miles from me.

The only time I've spoken with her alone since she's been there, she took me aside and started raving about my brother, how he would go to hell for putting her there, trying to get me on "her side." I managed to avoid an argument, but just barely. That's why I'm hesitant about calling her. I'm thinking maybe it's better if I just talk to her when others are around. Not sure, though. Still thinking this through.

I see your points, Eva, both your comment for tenderfoot, which I agree with, and re caution on the calls.

Not to drag up my stuff, but my mother was strongly paranoid in the early part of dementia. I'll take an I dunno attitude - if a call works, good. (I called my aunt, somewhat failing, to her hundredth year..) If it is a messy tense even bizarre conversation, then even getting off the phone is hard. I can easily see choosing not to deal with this by calling.

Does/Will Mom wear "hipsters" or "skinsleeves", these are wonderful items for reducing skin tears and bruising. Also when she starts asking to go home (w/you) give her some future date and condition. You can say something like the staff says your blood suguar (pressure, temperture) has been a little irregular and when we get that under control we will look at the possibility.

I know It sounds like a lie, but we call it re-direction. Tell her something that will passify her and move her along to the next thought. Example: Maybe when football season is over (mention your schedule with the kids) we can look at that. Then next time you can remind her after the holidays...or after your upcoming travel plans you will speak to her doctor about it. Never let her give up hope of getting out of the institution if you can help it. It can give her goals and something to work for. Tell he Joe Blow is staying with you right now till he gets on his feet and once he gets a job...anything other than No or Never. Immeditaley follow up what ever comment you make with a comment or question that hopefull directs her to another subject.

If the facility will allow it take her some sort of treat to eat or small pressent (stuffed animal, hankerchief, scarf, picture) when you go, you don't have to pull it out right away, save it as a tool for when she seems fixed on a subject or slightly agitated then say "oh look I brought you this" and move the conversation. I'm sure you can think of some other ideas that will make yours and her time more pleasant together. Blessings to you, I know what you are going thru. I am and only child and both my parents are in their 80's still at home for now and with me running to death between them and my house (80 miles away). All their friends are either dead or bed-ridden and they are very isolated so I have to make the extra effort.

But remember, this will not go on forever and once it ends you will have no regrets if you do everything in your power to give them comfort, and emotional support. AND do not beat yourself up if you make a "mistake"..its like kids--there is no instruction manual.

I think you meant to be responding to Eva instead of me with your post, but the advice looks really helpful.

Today, mother wasn't able to walk at all, had a lot of headache ... and wasn't at all friendly with me. (Of course, I was the reason because I was such an ungracious son to have brought her there.)

So I decided that one was enough and didn't visit my aunt.

On the way back home, my wife called me: she (we) had got a phone call from the home (aunt's ward) that my aunt was just driven by an ambulance to the hospital. Her family doctor's locum (both are internists, hers is on holidays) feared that she might have had a stroke, she was complaining about pain on her left side.

So I drove back to my native town's 8small) hospital.
I could hear from the ordance room that the doctor had some difficulties .... because she didn't answer her questions. And she was screaming like hell when she obviously got an injection.
I just wanted to ask someone to phone and inform them when the doctor came out.
So I was able to explain the background, more or less giving her the anamnesis.
It's no stroke, but might be the result of a recent urinary tract infection. Or something else.
Or something totally different (well, not so much, in my opinion) which should be checked in the psychiatric hospital.

I'll know more by tomorrow.

With alztimers they seem to be able to "pluck" a much repeated memory, almost like random memory recall.. in my mother in law case, she remembers what you say to her for about 30 seconds then she will repeat ... like " where is George ", the staff at the nursing home ( and us ) find it's easier to tell her the truth, not because it brings on any emotions in her, but because answering her any other way will send her off repeating it non stop, another one that she goes into, is the story about my wife being born a premature baby. It's a bloody long story I can tell you, she uses the same exact words every time she tells it and nothing you do or say will stop her, the worst time is when you take her in the car somewhere. For some reason it seems to start the record playing and she will not stop till she gets to the destination.