Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Oh, Walter. Hang in there my friend.

Duce -- thanks for all the tips! You must have a lot of experience with this. I think your ideas for redirection just may be the ticket...as long as she doesn't catch on! In between bouts of confusion, she is still extremely sharp. Actually, I remember her using this tactic with my mother (her best friend) many times through the years. Hmm. Yes, I can bring in treats, and I know just what would immediately change any subject! Thanks for the suggestion, I will definitely try that!

Walter -- oof. What a day. Sounds like it was a tough one for everyone involved. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I'm too new at this to be of any real help. All I can say is that I hope tomorrow is much easier for you.

Tenderfoot -- how irritating! Does it drive you crazy, or have you learned to tune it out? We don't know if MC has Alzheimer's...the diagnosis is simply "dementia." An interesting thing happened when I visited a couple of weeks ago. No one told MC we were coming (I didn't want to give her the option of saying no...she can be rather contrary.) But I guess we should have. She was agitated about not having time to put on makeup, etc. to greet us. I'll call ahead next time. But here's the kicker...we had gotten permission to take her out to dinner. It would be the first time in two months that she'd left the facility except for doctor visits. But she declined! She said she'd rather stay there! Maybe she was just being contrary again, I don't know. But we were very surprised. We assumed she'd be thrilled to go someplace. I guess every day is a little different.

Ah, I see your point, tenderfoot.
The worst part is this too is a phase and the talking diminishes, which is both a kind of reprieve, and awful.

Oh, Walter, how confounding. Let us know..

Thanks for your concern!

Actually, when looking at it after one night, it's not at all too different to the previous situation.
Okay, mother didn't complain and seemed to feel quite well for two, three weeks, aunt was complaining, being silent, etc like usually all the previous months ...

The hospital situation of both nearly on the very same gave all a more dramatic look, I think.

We never could have handled such a situation at home, nor could anyone else.


Unfortunately, for all and everyone, both my mother and my aunt seem to think that at home, they would do better.
But that's just one part of her illnesses, however, perhaps the most important: it's opposed to their health and makes us troubled (some more, some less).

I've learnt over the past couple of months to look at it more professionally, not as the son and nephew. [Which was really my biggest problem since I know/knew that my actions/reactions were many times not how I would deal with such situations job-wise. But you can't change the status "son"/"nephew" so easily ...]

(A cold comfort is that nothing what happened is really life threatening, at least not more than any other every day situation.)

It really doesn't worry me.. as I can "turn it off". But my wife tries to stop her by talking to her, she hesitates then starts off again in 30 seconds, my wife gets sooo exasperated and cannot turn her off, gets extremely upset, her loving of her mother stops her from thinking strait.
When we thought Alzheimer's was starting to show it's self, one of the tests was to draw a clock face and put a time in ( like 4.30 ) then ask them what time it says.. also asking where they live ( like name of street and suburb - town - country )

I think.. now.. I could detect dementia earlier than that. Not that I'm sure, just saying.

It's insidious.

It's more than insidious -- The person getting it,or got it knows nothing about how it is for the one's left to care for them.. even as I sit here now I know my wife is fretting and feeling inadequate, she visited this morning and is always very quite afterwards. As she has said -- " both my mum and dad have it, so more than likely I will to, what ever you do, don't put me into a home when the time comes".
I really would have nothing to live for if it came to that -- both of us leaving this earth together would be the only option for me.

Wrong. I'm in line for alzheimers and I am fully aware of what that means.

I think what tenderfoot is saying is that once the disease progresses, the person afflicted loses the capacity for understanding the emotional impact on the caregiver. Eventually, they lose the capacity to recognize the caregiver which is most disheartening to the one doing the caring.

Eva, hugs and well wishes to you and your brother. It's a long road and it will be best if you travel it together. Progressive dementia, whether from Alzheimer's or secondary to some other condition, robs everyone involved. As difficult as it is, there comes a time when it's best to put on a clinical hat (as Walter has done) and see the situation as a condition the strips away the life (soul, if you will) long before the disease is done with the body.

Tenderfoot, I watched my mother argue with my father over things that were really not important -- so what if he was wrong -- but her frustration at being bombarded with falsehoods wore her down. It's difficult to disengage emotionally or tune it out. Best wishes to you and your wife.

I had friend who came down with Alzheimer's. One day he began to leave the house. When asked by his loving wife where he was going he said he was going to Seattle to be with his wife, Rose. Sadly, he was talking to Rose. She argued with him that she WAS Rose. His rejection of her in the form of denying her credentials was horrible. Since he could no longer be kept safely at home, he was--appropriately--institutionalized.
In the later months of my late wife's progressive dementia (from brain cancer) she showed no indication of recognizing me. That hurt, of course, but I recall feeling subtly that my loving efforts at caregiving were--in a way--wasted: that I wanted and deserved loving appreciation in return for my love and care. Well, I learned to put that egoism aside and help her ONLY because she needed it. Not easy. I feel SO MUCH for the families of Alzheimer's patients.

And what is the defnition of any love that is higher than that JLN? She might not have known who you were anymore, but you knew who she was.

No connection with any of the immediately preceding posts, just stopping by to wish all your relatives well and ask Walter if he got (courtesy of Thomas) the latest literary masterpiece of my aunt!

Ah, that was SO comforting. Thanks Foxfyre.

JLN - you defined the problem exactly. Not everyone has your discipline or abnegetion though - statistically caregivers of Alzheimer patients eventually suffer from serious medical problems even if they were perfectly healthy when they started in that role. It's obviously a tremendously stressful task.

Btw, are you familiar with the case of Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who retired from the Supreme Court in order to look after her Alzheimer-stricken husband, only to find out that, a few months later, not only did he not remember her, but he had fallen in love with another woman he met at the hospital and wanted to marry her? Justice O'Connor wished them both well, though I don't know if divorces or marriages are legally permitted for anyone non compos mentis - doubt it in fact. Few of us have her gift of grace under pressure, or yours.

I saw that in a film once. Julie Christie, I think.

Maybe it's not uncommon.

JLN and High Seas, There is a wonderful movie about Alzheimers and its effects on a couple called "Away From Her." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0491747/ I recommend it.

Great minds think alike

Not that I know ...

They think now that my aunt either has a 'simple' infection in her liver. Or something more serious.
Results and plans won't be ready before Tuesday next week: it's a long holiday weekend here.

Since we have visitors and will be away from Easter Monday onwards, I just can telephone. (It's aunt's 86th birthday tomorrow, too.)