Need advice on a parenting/relationship issue! Please!!

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Im only 20 yrs old & 39 weeks pregnant with my first. Me & my BD were together for about 3 yrs, not including a 7month break due to him leaving me for my bestfriend & even moving in with her. After that didnt work out he came back & i gave in. My BD is very unreliable & never treated me the way he should. I became pregant & at 7months he broke things off with the excuse that we fought too much, we were not meant to be, & that he would take this opportunity to focus on himself & "get his life together." BTW prior to our relationship he already had a daughter who he is barely involved with and barely ever pays child support. She lives less than 10 miles away from him & never gets visited. Come to find out a month later after my BD broke things off I found out he had a new girlfriend. The new GF is a stripper at local hole-in-the-wall strip club. She looks flithy & cheap & has no GED just like my BD. After dealing with that news I also found out they had already been living together for most of their new relationship. At this point Ive felt so hurt & betrayed. I feel my BD's actions have been so inappropriate & disrespectful. I believe he could have even been cheating on me with this stripper before we broke up. At the end of the day he is a horrible person & only cares for himself. He is a horrible father to his daughter, why would it be any different with his son? He claims he wants to be there for his son & that he will be. But because of all my anger I have already threatened that he will not allowed to be involved in his son's life or even have his son carry on his last name. My BD lately even still has things of mine that he refuses to give back to me and I dont even know where he is living with this stripper. Why he would want to continue to put me through more stress after all he's put me through is beyond me. & in his eyes I'm the bad guy. Ever since discovering all this news and betrayal I've really been struggling to make important decisions. Do i give this horrible person the honor of passing on his last name? Do i allow this person to be there for my baby's birth? Do i allow this person to be involved in the babys life? I feel he doesnt deserve anything as I believe he is nothing but a deadbeat father & person! Also, my BD smokes marijuana and usually sells it. But his horrible ways are what worry me most. He was not raised by a responsible mother nor father. He was not raised with any morals or discipline. His mother was actually an addict most of his life. I dont want my child to be raised this way & i dont want my child to pick up bad habits from his father. Also, Ive been way too good to my BD while we were together. Anything he needed, any favor, help, whatever it was, I was there and I made it work. I feel he never really gave me 100% as i felt i gave him. I really am in need of words of wisdom. I know NO ONE that has ever been in this situation or close, that I can relate to.I still feel broken, devastated & traumatized from what he has put me through, I dont want to see his face whatsoever. My baby will have a lot of love and support on my side of the family, but I feel so bad that this immature jerk is my baby's father. I am really hoping for brighter days and hope that god has blessings in store for me & my baby. thanks so much for reading, I know its a lot. any advice is appreciated.

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 869 • Replies: 10

[+3] - firefly - 07/19/2012[quote]Do i give this horrible person the honor of passing on his last name? Do i allow this person to be there for my baby's birth? Do i allow this person to be involved in the babys life?...

@Nikkimich,

Quote:

Do i give this horrible person the honor of passing on his last name? Do i allow this person to be there for my baby's birth? Do i allow this person to be involved in the babys life?

I would answer those questions with, No, No and No.

I don't even think you should put this man's name on the birth certificate--leave father's name blank.

Do you really want to give this person parental rights over this child?

In the situation you describe, I'd make him go to court and legally fight for any paternity rights or visitation with the child he wants to have.

Given his neglect of his first child, he probably wouldn't want to make the effort of having to legally establish paternity, and fight for his parental rights, nor would he probably want to make himself legally responsible for the support of another child.

Be glad you're not married to this man. Be glad he is with his stripper girlfriend and not with you. Raise your baby with the love and support of your family. You and your child will have a much brighter and happier future with this man out of your life.

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@Nikkimich,

He sounds like a total jerk, you should break all contact with him and remove him from your memories, Try not to think about him at all.
I think you should focus on being the best mother you could possibly be, learn as much as you can about the world so you can intrun teach your baby as much as you know, I think if you focus on being the best person you can possibly be and forget this man completly then you and your baby will have a beautiful life.

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I agree that the best thing to do is put this man out of your mind and life. You can't ignore the fact that the child will eventually ask about his father. You're going to have to give some kind of answer. Something to think about.

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@Nikkimich,

Wow! You are definitely between a rock and a hard place, life's paths sure do take some wild turns but are the result of decisions made at some point. While I admire you reaching out for advice and counsel. This is not the best venue. I strongly encourage you to talk to your doc or the nursing staff to get information on support groups and possibly counseling. You have to first take care of yourself. Keep in mind when looking at groups or speaking with a counselor that it is for you therefore if you are not comfortable with either go look for a different group o counselor there are usually many to choose from. Unless your possessions are priceless family hierlooms forget about them material possessions can be replaced. Sounds like you have a supportive family so use them as well. Talk to someone.

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You don't have to make any decision right now.

Just take care of yourself and your child.

If he is going to change, then he will. He has a lot to prove to you that he is anything but a jerk.

In the meantime, consider yourself alone and doing this all by yourself. Surround yourself with helpful, healthy people. This is going to be a big job for you. You don't need 2 babies to look after.

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@firefly,

I second everything firefly said. Every single word of it.

Do NOT put this man's name on the birth certificate.

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@firefly,

firefly wrote:

I don't even think you should put this man's name on the birth certificate--leave father's name blank.

I understand that is illegal in some jurisdictions.

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@Nikkimich,

Nikkimich wrote:

any advice is appreciated.

focus on your baby. let your doctor know who you want to have with you when you deliver - make sure that person has a very positive energy and will be supportive of you.

don't count out the requirement for child support in the future - regardless of how your ex handles things with his daughter, he also has obligations to his son

make sure you are very very careful with birth control in the future. you knew you were having sex with a loser before you got pregnant.

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@Eva,

Lots of potential ramifications with both listing and not listing. Could list him as the father without giving the sirname. She needs to check out both and decide. As an example for....he dies. The child would be entitled to
SS benefits. Proving parent hood after the fact is tedious. Example for not listing ... She dies....he would have to prove and sue for custody etc. assuming of course the pathetic little prick could muster the ambition. Again these were just examples for and against. No wanting to distract from the issue. She needs support in her decisions perhaps sharing of usefull insights b

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@ehBeth,

Quote:

I understand that is illegal in some jurisdictions.

Do you know where it would be illegal to leave the father's name blank on the birth certificate? I really don't.

Suppose an unmarried woman is genuinely unsure of which man fathered her child? Suppose it was an unknown sperm donor?

Given what she describes about this man, I think she should omit his name from the birth certificate, precisely to limit his control, in terms of parental rights, over this child. If he genuinely wants to be involved in the care and support of this child, he can go to court, establish paternity, and fight for his parental rights.

Realistically, this man is little more than a sperm donor, and he didn't even hang around for the duration of the pregnancy, and judging by his treatment and neglect of his first child, he's not going to be around for this child after he's born either, or, if he is around, his influence might well be harmful or negative.For her own self protection, and the protection of her child, I don't think the OP should just hand this man the legal rights to control any aspect of this child's life, which would also diminish her authority and control, and, once she puts his name on the birth certificate, that's what she'd be doing. She'd also be tying herself, and this child, into a continuing indefinite relationship with this man, whether or not she wants that to be the case.

Also, by not naming the father on the birth certificate, the OP would make it easier for the child to be legally adopted by any potential marital partner she might have. The OP is only 20, and she may well marry in the future to a man who is very willing to assume the responsibility of being the child's legal father.

In addition, were something to happen to the OP, if this man is named as the father on the birth certificate, he would be able to gain full custody of the child, rather than the child being placed in the care of the maternal grandmother, or any other member of the OP's family, as she might prefer to see happen. So, unless she is happy with the thought that this man might some day wind up with full custody of the child, I think she should omit his name from the birth certificate.

I'm not suggesting she leave the man's name off the birth certificate because of any spite or vindictiveness or anger she might feel toward him. I'm suggesting she do it for her own legal protection and the legal protection of her child, given the type of irresponsible individual she is describing.

And, should the biological father in this case somehow manage to mature and become a responsible person at some point in the future, and someone who can participate in the care and support of this child, she can then legally acknowledge his paternity and allow him to assume his rights and obligations, so leaving his name off the birth certificate is not an irreversible move.

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Need advice on a parenting/relationship issue! Please!!

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