Talking to your kids about divorce

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No, Mr. B and I aren't getting divorced.

In the last 3 months, 3 of Mo's good friends, parents have split up and Mo is kind of freaking out. In one, the father walked out without warning, mom and friend moved away. In the second the father threw the mother out, I don't think the kids have even seen her. Then this weekend, Mo's best friend's parents announced to him that they were getting divorced.

I don't know if it's because of Mo's history (most of you know it so I won't repeat it here, unless anyone has a specific question) that he's taking this all so hard or if it's normal for kids to freak out about this stuff.

We've told Mo all the basic stuff - these divorces don't mean that we're getting divorced, sometimes it's best for the kids when the parents split up, their parents still love them, blahblahblah, but it hasn't really quelled his anxiety about it.

Have you ever had to talk to your kids about divorce?

Did your parents ever have to talk to you about divorce?

Both friend 2 and friend 3 (he asked Mo if he could move in with us) have been spending a lot of time at our house while their families sort out their craziness and I don't want to toss them out but I don't know if this might be adding to Mo's anxiety.

Besides keeping your home normal and saying those basic things that everyone knows to say, how do you talk to your kid about divorce in a way that eases their fears that it will happen to their own family?

Thanks!

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@boomerang,

There was a rash of divorces around here about a year ago, it was a little odd how they all happened at the same time.

Two were related -- the mom from couple A and the dad from couple B had an affair. (Ack.) (We know all of them, each family has a girl sozlet's age, neither are close friends but she knows them both well.) So that was a big ugly thing.

Then the parents of one of her best friends split up out of NOWHERE -- they were pretty good friends of ours, we all got together socially and such, they seemed to get along great. But boom.

They have handled the divorce way better than couples A and B -- they seem to still be friendly and collaborative. They sit together at their kids' performances, he helped out at her house for their daughter's birthday party, etc. (Even though they both have new partners.) So they're a reassuring example.

But yes, there was definitely some talking and some anxiety when the rash of divorces was happening. (They were all within like a month of each other -- two more just for good measure, but we didn't know them as well.)

I don't remember details of what we talked about, though. I just answered questions, mostly. We talked some about my experiences when my own parents divorced.

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@boomerang,

Goodness...I don't know that you can do more than you already have.

Sounds to me as though you have covered the bases.

I think separation/divorce is just a pretty overwhelming experience for most kids and Mo is, as you say, going to be a kid for whom such happenings are very triggering. I think you may just have to ride it out with him.

I'm sure that experiencing his friend's grief is very hard for him, but what are you going to do?

Have you discussed the grieving process with him, so he knows his friend will gradually start to feel better?

I use a train going through a tunnel thing with kids.....you know, at first you can see only darkness ahead and the only light is from behind (the past and how things used to be), then being in the middle, where it feels as though there is no light, because you know things can't go back the way they were but you cant imagine a way ahead, then gradually you see faint light ahead and eventually come back out into the light. That sadness for what you had doesn't completely disappear, but it gets softer and easier to deal with and you gradually don't think about it much and can see good things about how things are now.

Thing is research is suggesting that for many kids the pain remains pretty sharp for a long, long time.

Is he talking to you guys about how he feels and what it is like for him supporting his friend?

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

Both friend 2 and friend 3 (he asked Mo if he could move in with us) have been spending a lot of time at our house while their families sort out their craziness and I don't want to toss them out but I don't know if this might be adding to Mo's anxiety.

This part is tricky. I know that my kid definitely gets more anxious in general when she's dealing with her friends' issues -- she's fine in the moment, but then when she has a moment to exhale (when they leave or whatever) she's definitely wiggy for a bit.

The good friend was calm enough about the whole thing that it didn't really come up. And the other two were not really close friends.

So it's mostly just in terms of dealing with other crises (for example, one good friend's bio-dad is in very bad shape, alcoholic, hospitalized, etc., and sozlet provided an excellent shoulder to cry on and listened to days of venting, but needed some recovery time herself after that).

If this friend didn't have a mom and stepdad and wanted to stay with us when this was going on... ooh. That would be tough. I obviously would want to help, but I know it would take a toll on the kid.

Is there any end date in sight?

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@dlowan,

dlowan wrote:

I use a train going through a tunnel thing with kids.....you know, at first you can see only darkness ahead and the only light is from behind (the past and how things used to be), then being in the middle, where it feels as though there is no light, because you know things can't go back the way they were but you cant imagine a way ahead, then gradually you see faint light ahead and eventually come back out into the light. That sadness for what you had doesn't completely disappear, but it gets softer and easier to deal with and you gradually don't think about it much and can see good things about how things are now.

This is great.

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It's really good to know that Mo's reaction to all of this isn't completely out of the ordinary.

Friend 3 (J) is not living here (but you wouldn't know that from looking around). He's asked before -- a couple of weeks ago -- I think his parents were fighting a lot. When he's not here he and Mo are usually playing minecraft and yakking on XBox. Mo has told me he can hear J's parents screaming at each other while they play. Our house has been kind of a haven, I think.

I'm storing the train thing so that I can use it when I need to. Thanks.

His friends are being very "guy" about it but the mask slips pretty easily. I think that might be part of why Mo seems so conflicted. He's been telling me and Mr. B what a terrible, awful, very bad thing it would be for us to split up and watching our reactions carefully.

Mo's kind of a "rescue-er". It might be better said that he expects me and Mr. B to rescue people. (I do want to note -- we have never presented his coming to live with us as a rescue.) I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

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@boomerang,

Probably just is, rather than being good or bad.

It's great he's open with you and communicating about it.

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@boomerang,

As the kids get older, you'll encounter this more and more, boomer.

It's not only talking to your kid about divorce, it's also trying to help their friends. I still have one girlfriend of Jane's at our house for weeks at a time because her family situation is not good, even though the parents are divorced. The problems arise with the new spouses. In another case, I called CPS on one father as he got physically abusive towards the kids and the mom was kind of passive. I always suspected she still had a "battered wife" syndrome and was afraid of the father.

Very disheartening to hear and see what's going on with so many kids nowadays.

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Talking to your kids about divorce

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