Whatever happened to respect?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-George Burns
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I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word - if only she'd get to it.
-Henny Youngman
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My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
-Woody Allen
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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous
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Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
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I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?"
I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!? What a country!"
- Yakov Smirnoff
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only
interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
- Milton Berle
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
- Henny Youngman
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-Rodney Dangerfield