Double Life

Every time you are alone together, you end up in bed (or at least it looks like that from here). It takes two to tango and neither of you seems to be terribly interested in stopping the hanky panky. I'm not really so sure why doing the deed in this other woman's house is so significantly worse than all the cheating that was done. There were still multiple deceptions. There was still lying.

You just had a change of venue, that's all.

So - bottom line - you have never really had a "normal" relationship with John, except at the very beginning. And even then, there was external pressure which probably amped up the excitement level.

Would you have done any of this if it wasn't so thrilling to you, so taboo? I am guessing no.

Hence try this.

Get a divorce. You are unhappy in your marriage and you have been since the beginning. It's obvious. The whole thing was a lousy idea.

And then what?

How 'bout living on your own?

Without John.

If it's going to happen, insist that he be done and gone with his relationship, too.

I bet you'll find either (a) you're not interested, (b) he's only interested if he can maintain with this other woman, (c) he's not interested at all and/or (d) there are other fish in the sea. Fish who are neither John nor your husband, who I daresay you have treated monumentally unfairly during this entire episode.

Yes, you.

Who accepts a marriage proposal reluctantly?

Are you afraid of being alone? Economically insecure? You need not answer these questions on the forum but you might want to explore them on your own. And you might also want to come to an understanding of why doing the deed in this other woman's house bothers you so much more than lying to your husband throughout your entire marriage.

I think fear of being alone is the main cog, or at least a big factor, in the puzzlements on the relationships threads. Apparently living alone is a new idea to many, much less that it could be good and even delightful. Or at least useful. I have a bunch of friends who have never lived alone or did for only a short time, and these are older people.
Msolga has a terrific thread going on about this (no link).

Data seems to say (I never memorize data) that more and more people are living alone. And yet.. more and more people seem to find that an alien idea.

i appriciate your feedback- and its actually nice ot have another point of view. actually the only thing i guess i failed to point out- is that John and i dont always end up in bed. we do have a very strong sexual connection- and are very into eachother in that way- but when we would go away together- there were a number of times sex didnt even come up- it was just each others company. at one point- we would spend every weekend together. every saturday- we went to car shows- he took me to local car races- amusement parks- local battlefields ot take tours and have a nice lunch someplace new. we got lost one day- in a small town- just wondering around teh shops for hours- having no idea where we were. the sex is great- but its not the center of this relationship. when we talk- even in the times when there was gaps of no communication inbetween- we picked right back up where we left off- and right back into being crazy about eachotehr. he got a hotel room once- just so we could celebrate our own christmas togeht- he brought all of my gifts to a hotel room- there was no sex- just us. i have accepted my role as the cheating wife- and i am able to get past that- we share a house and bills- thats it- it is a matter of convience. but this is the first time he has ever had a more serious girlfriend- and i feel bad about that. she opened her house to him- and moved him in- and we did that.... i guess its bad to say- but after so long- i dont really realize the cheating part anymore.

Get out of your marriage.

Your husband, regardless of anything else he has done, hasn't done, etc., well, isn't he being victimized in all of this? Why is it so much easier for you to see what you did to John's girlfriend versus what you're doing to your husband?

Your husband deserves to be free so that he can pursue other relationships. This convenient home is not doing him any favors. You need to show some maturity and get out of your marriage so that your husband has a chance at a life.

As for your fun times with John, that's all they are. They are what money, distance and a desire to fool around bring with them. If there wasn't money for hotel rooms, you'd be in parked cars. This is flash with little substance. If you want to hitch your wagon to this star, then do so. But drop the other baggage - your marriage. Like I said, your husband doesn't deserve this.

i dont think any of us deserve this. this is a nightmare. John is a sweet guy- and there have been times when we didnt go anywhere- or do anything. everyday- for 3 years- he made my lunch- packed exactly what i wanted. he met me everyday. he took care of my car- no one does that for me now. for a year- he watched a leaky tire on my car- he checked it and filled it up every 2 or 3 days. when im not wiht him- im thinking about him- and i miss him terribly. though the money does help with teh hotel rooms- we have spent days/ evenings/ hours- just parked in a car talking. we used to meet everyday after work and sit in the car for about a half hour and talk about our days. about 2 years ago- like i said- i stopped seeing him- my husband and i went on a ski trip- all i could think about was teh time John and i went on a ski trip for my birthday and how much fun we had. he is teh one that taught me to ski. Every memory that i have over the last 5 years of my life- has been with him. i lvoe him- and i lvoe his family- i used to go and get lost in a conversation with his dad for hours- he is a great man as well. i hate my in-laws now- i cant talk to them for 5 minutes- i miss everything about him. you might be right- this may never work- he just may be a part of my past- but affairs are not suppose to last this long. are we to keep doing this forever???? he has children from a past marriage- but as i mentioned i am younger- what if i want kids???? i dont want to have a kid in the marriage i am in- that will be a disaster. but i cant have his kid. i just thought sooner or later this would end- but its not- it just keeps going- and its starting to take a toll mentally on me. i lvoe him- but i look around and i really ahve no intention of leaving my home- and i am so scared becaseu everyother time he has had girlfriends- i knew it would end- i knew it wouldnt last long- but this one is different- this one isnt going anywhere. i pray for him to get caught with me- so he's alone again and all mine....but at teh same time- i dont want to get caught- my life is good- misserable- and loveless but looks good to the outside world. i wouldnt noramlly respond to every post someone puts up- but i have lived with this for 5 years and have told no one- and honestly- im ready to burst- i have to let someone in on what has been happening in my life- i have to talk to someone- i cant tell you how much i appriciate you just taking the time to read this!

There's your answer.

As they say, **** or get off the pot.

Stay with your husband and work to make your marriage work. Or leave, thereby giving him a chance to actually have a decent life with someone who might love him (or at least a life free of deception) and try (or not) with John.

But where you are right now, like you said, is upsetting you.

It's also damned convenient, when you've got your cake and are eating it, too, eh?

You're now jealous that John's got someone else. But you really don't have the right to be jealous, now, don't you think? I mean, consider this - you have had a husband during most of this relationship. And now you're getting upset because your paramour might have something substantial going on in his life?

I think you're playing the victim card, e. g. "none of us deserve this". Nope, you deserve this, and so does John. The innocent parties in this are neither you nor him.

Own up to what's been happening, and talk to your husband. I bet he's got a damned good idea of what's been going on.

Once again - why stay? It's convenient, it's easy, yadda yadda yadda.

It's also inertia.

Want to really have love?

Then go big and go without a safety net like the rest of us.

You win, you lose, you succeed or you fail. But life also stops being half-assed, and you can have some self-respect about your choices.

i am jealous. you are right. john was my everything. he was the one that took care of me- he was teh one that made sure everything in my life was perfect. he was teh one that showed me love. he took me places- spent time with me- bought me cards for no reason....everyday- he sent me a "morning message"- just to tell me to have a great day- sometimes long- sometimes just: "im thinking of you"- but everyday!!!! and now i dont have that. i understand i walked away from him- but now i want him back. i have tried to make this marriage work and it always ends up back at teh same place- it is loveless- and everytime we share something together- i think about how the experience would be different if i were sharring it with John.
my husband knows what goes on- not all of it- but for a while i am really careful to not get caught- but after a while- i get lax- i stop making sure every text is deleted- i dont watch what i send on my email- i dont keep my phone or computer locked- he has caught me before. but this marriage is teh same to him- he doesnt beleive in divorce- so he stays and its convienent- and i think he beleives if he holds out hope long enough- i will be the wife he alwasy wanted.

i have NO RIGHT to be jealous- and i try to remind myself of this. John lived for over a year- alone- not dating- sitting at home- from teh time i kissed him and walked out his door at night- until he would see me the next morning in the office. all awhile- i was living my life- vacations- cruises- dinner parties- buying a house- marriage- and never once did he act jealous towards me- or let me see the hurt.

after being able to talk to SOMEONE (u truely have no idea how big of a releif this is to me) i almost told my husband last night about John and i seeing each other again. i dont feel guilty for what i am doing to him....let me explain! i think i have done this for so long- im numb to it. but i feel a huge amount of guilt for being the "other woman" and what i have done to Johns gf. my family is no stranger to cheating (like father- like daughter- i suppose) and this poor woman- has NO CLUE. she is blindly trusting him- she is new to the area and knows no one- she has no friends to warn her- she is a sweet woman- and has no warning of this happening. we have been cheating for years- he wont get caught- we know how not too. i am used to having "my cake and eating it too"- but i have never been this person- he has always been single. i'm not trying to pull the victim card- but i am in a much different place this time- and i feel SO GUILTY- i cant imagine how i would feel knowing my bf brought some girl into my house. we have been there for lunch- to watch a movie while she was out of town- and we had sex- in her house. i have never brought John to my house- that seemed like crossing a moral line in my mind- something too shallow to do to my husband- i know this whole thing is wrong- but that was just too far- but now i have done it. i think he feels guilty too. he enjoys his gf's company but tells me soemthing is missing- and obviously something is- happy poeple dont cheat. i feel i owe it more to his gf to tell her what i did than my own husband

No - you want to mess up his relationship. don't try and make it look like it's anything else. It's straight-up selfishness.

Stay out of his relationship.

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Tell your husband what you've done and end your marriage. Your husband deserves a woman who wants to be with him.

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Grow up. Start fresh - on your own.

i would never do anything to mess up his relationship. i feel guilty- but certainly would never do it.

As my mother used to say .... "move on".

Have you never learned about paragraphs?

I like you, hilbert, you're just as crabby as I am.

helpful! this is the first place i have ever been able to get all my feelings out and this whole story out- yes- it runs on but its getting all my emotions into words- paragraphs was not my first thougt....but thanks!