Dont know what to do

Forums: Relationships, Marriage, Cheating
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Over a yr ago I cheated on my husband and since then we have worked things out and have become stronger..so i thought. He brings up on occassions my infidelity which bothers me alot because Ive moved on from it. We have moved to another state due to his work and so I no longer works which puts me in a frustrative mood at times because Im not use to sitting home. Now for the past 2 months I would say things has turned into another nightmare where he has a female who calls his phone; he is a supervisor to her so they see each other everyday. I have caught him in lies after lies about the phone calls and this female. He insists there has never been anything going on with him and anyone and he wouldnt hurt me but yet he keeps lieing to me and wont be forthcoming about this female. My question is should I confront this woman? Should I believe my husband at what he tells me? Im so confused about what to do..my husband loves me and i know this but I just dont want to be sitting around twidling my thumbs trying to figure out what he is going to do next.

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,741 • Replies: 8

@shortymay,

Do not confront this woman. If there is a problem, it is your husband causing it. After all is said and done, he is the one who is married.

You didn't ask, but his bringing up a previous infidelity sounds like a problem to me. That is, it's a problem because it's already been discussed and settled. He isn't going to have a happy marriage if he keeps trying to punish you for what's supposedly something that has been settled.

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@shortymay,

roger, as usual, is right on target with his answer. Whatever you do, do not confront this woman. That would only open up a new area for recriminations between you and your husband. You might try to talk to him, however, about your concerns. After all -- again, as roger has already pointed out -- that past infidelity of yours is supposed to be something that's been settled and buried in the past. If your husband, somewhere down deep, doesn't see it that way, it has to be thrashed out.

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@shortymay,

You know.. I think that he is being a tad childish.. Deliberately baiting you..

You say he brings up your infidelity from time to time and it bothers you alot.

I think sometimes it goes deeper than "a mistake" in the other persons mind, perhaps he is thinking, "wasn't I good enough?" in bed, or otherwise but usually it's the "bed" they are thinking about and their self esteme is blown.

I personally think from what I just read, I think this is his "ego" , "mucho" and a way to get over what he "hasn't" gotten over and I agree therefore with the other two posters..

Don't confront her.

But, ask yourself also.. Whilst you have gotten over it, does your husband feel totally and 100% totally, "the man", I don't think he has gotten over it which means he isn't quite believing you won't do it again.

Trust is a hard thing to earn. Fighting to regain other than "I am over it" is another thing to learn.

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I agree with all of the above, but Found Soul nailed it: your husband is probably still hurting from this incident and he doesn't feel "man" enough.
To restore his ego, he's taken up with other females.

You really need to sit down with him and talk - communication is the key to
any relationship and if you don't do it now, you both will get hurt even deeper.
At this point I'd advice you to seek out a professional counselor who can walk you through this. Good luck!

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Yep, what everyone else said, but I also think you need to get out of the house. Get a job or volunteer or something. You're not used to being idle and that alone is enough to drive someone bonkers. You're focussing on this situation, in part, because you have all this time on your hands.

You really need to reassure him that you're sorry and you're not going down that road again, and to explain why it happened. That's a betrayal that can take a long time to overcome. You can try to understand what he's going through.

Be proactive, instead of reactive. Show your affection more, be interested in his life and job, etc., and don't accuse him.

We're all more interesting to others when we have something going on in our lives. What do you have to talk about when you're just sitting at home everyday? Go out and explore your new town, find interesting things to take him to, places to eat, etc. Dive into your new city; find something to do! Make some friends, join a club, whatever it takes.

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ask your husband to tell you everything sincerely..
this is a problem which is between u and him..
tell him that u are willing to let him go if he tells u the truth.

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@shortymay,

Biggest mistake is to keep accusing. Gather evidence first... then take it to him. I have seen this with one of my friends. She "knew" in her mind her husband was cheating- but kept freaking out- and accusing him. I finally told her to stop the accusing and start her own investigation. She put a tracker on his phone (70$) for 3 months- records voice... text and location. Before long- she caught him. And she had the evidence to back it up. it’s hard to sit there and know what is going on- but it won’t take long to figure it out. But every time you accuse with no back up- they go into recoil- and probably back off for a few weeks- and then before long- they are right back at it. Keep silent- and get your proof.

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@Alba922,

I don't know. That's snooping, invading ones privacy which off course means, there is no trust and if there is not trust there is not relationship.

I think it goes deaper in this instance. He hasn't forgiven her and is trying to hurt her. Snooping isn't going to solve this problem at all..

Re-developing trust between the two and keeping that trust and not going beyond that trust is the only way this relationship is going to work.

I gather you didn't read that she cheated first.

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Dont know what to do

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