I've gone temporarily insane! My one page yet unsent "writing sample" inserted here!

I am writing to you in regards to your recent New York Foundation for the Arts Job in the Arts board posting of your Portfolio Assistant (1.) position. According to the unnecessarily convoluted requirements for applying to your job posting, the text of this document will include a single page’s (2.) worth of generic brand “writing sample.” (3.) Though to be fair, the description you or your intern had posted to the respected job board site doesn’t radiate the need for having a creative writer in your brood. Alas, I will throw you the proverbial bone and finish out this page on a rare lark.

In this writing sample, I will explicate how I cannot truly remember what my SAT and ACT scores were since I had taken them in 1989. I will “speculmember,” ™ (a hybrid word indicating speculative guess and remember) that I had earned an average score of 1100 on the SAT. As for my ACT score? I will deliberately stand by a clearly wrong yet patriotic answer of 1776. (4.)

I am a recent graduate of Baruch College where I graduated in 2008 (if 2008 can be determined as recent) with a bachelor’s degree in history. While obtaining that degree, I also earned a minor in art history.

So, what other hoops do you want your perspective employees to jump through? Of course! You need to know my college course load. Of course, like many college students fighting to gain their liberal arts degree, I courageously inflicted myself with the typical introductory courses to math and literature. I had taken both an introductory biology and an introductory physics course as well. Being that Baruch College is the respected business branch of the CUNY system, the obligatory introductory business course was a necessary yet anticlimactic class forced on all the school’s students.

In conclusion, the text you just have read or didn’t read is my single page “writing sample.” Please feel free to recycle the paper you printed this intellectual fragment on.

(Footnotes)
1. Posting such a decidedly practical nonartistic job in a Job in the ARTS board! How ironically delicious! What a bold fishing job! I salute you guys!
2. I do love footnotes, given that they eat into a lot of space in your vague one page requirement.*
3. With the lack of strategic “writing sample” architectural constraints, I am frustrated on the notion of what font, font size, and margin restrictions to utilize for this contractual assignment. I will thusly use the stereotypical retroesque Times New Roman in 12 font size to appeal to the hipster in every human resource director/intern who might read this drivel. Using a higher than 12 font size would be highly unethical, perhaps even illegal in some states so I will refrain from such extravagence. I will also use the UN recognized 1 inch borders on the east and west fronts of this one page battlefield.**
4. Most people would have included a prime number in this spot as prime numbers seem to be the major trending thing these days (EX. #primenumbersrule craze). However classic standby composite numbers truly get the crowd roaring for more.
* An endnote to a footnote? I am such a writing pioneer!! I really do love footnotes! ‘Gotta’ love David Foster Wallace for his passion in inserting footnotes into his works of metafiction.
** Had to experiment with the two column format. It just bloody looks neat!+
+An irrelevant endnote on an endnote on page formatting! I’m such a creative rebel! So to amend my one page writing sample, I must confess a crime has taken place! I forgot to add anecdotal evidence to prove to you that I am familiar with “Adobe” software. Since your job posting is quite vague and doesn’t explicitly stating experience with Adobe Photoshop or Reader, I can state I am familiar with using products. I have read countless PDF files.