I think my friend needs help...

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My roommate in college has been known to be super flirtatious. She is very loud and needs attention for guys 24/7. She constantly acts very seductively and is constantly touching guys' privates very casually. She lost her virginity to her boyfriend within the first few months of college, and she ended it like it was nothing a few months later. She has no feelings, she only wants to have sex. I have never seen her cry about ANYTHING or be sad about anything. She gets very angry over little things and tends to blow little things out of proportion. Now she has had sex with at least 20 guys since and it has only been about 1 1/2 weeks. According the the guys, she literally pulls them into our room, locks the door, takes her clothes off, and throws a condom at them. It is completely random, and she does this to practically every guy she sees. She seems to be lacking in emotional connections whatsoever. And another weird part about it is the fact that I am supposedly her best friend, but she completely denies EVERYTHING and lies about EVERYTHING. I am so worried about her. She has always been very flirtatious, but never went through with it, and now she is out of control. She was adopted as a baby and her birth mother was a crack addict. Do you think that she is having some sort of breakdown? Or is this a symptom of some kind of psychological disorder?

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[+3] - Joe Nation - 05/06/2012[quote]My roommate in college has been known to be super flirtatious. She is very loud and needs attention for guys 24/7. She constantly acts very seductively and is constantly touching...

Quote:

My roommate in college has been known to be super flirtatious.

She is very loud and needs attention for guys 24/7.

She constantly acts very seductively and is constantly touching guys' privates very casually.

She lost her virginity to her boyfriend within the first few months of college, and she ended it like it was nothing a few months later.

She has no feelings, she only wants to have sex.

I have never seen her cry about ANYTHING or be sad about anything.

She gets very angry over little things and tends to blow little things out of proportion.

Now she has had sex with at least 20 guys since and it has only been about 1 1/2 weeks.

According the the guys, she literally pulls them into our room, locks the door, takes her clothes off, and throws a condom at them.

It is completely random, and she does this to practically every guy she sees.

She seems to be lacking in emotional connections whatsoever.

And another weird part about it is the fact that I am supposedly her best friend, but she completely denies EVERYTHING and lies about EVERYTHING.

I am so worried about her.

She has always been very flirtatious, but never went through with it, and now she is out of control.

She was adopted as a baby and her birth mother was a crack addict.

Do you think that she is having some sort of breakdown?

Or is this a symptom of some kind of psychological disorder?

Other than the number of partners (about 20 in about a week and a half~ but I think that is an exaggeration on both the number and the time) and her anger at small things, I don't see the problem. (She also is probably a little sore.)

Is she attending classes and getting her studying done?

Number one question, which you seem to have answered: Has she asked for either your opinion or your help?

Joe(Nope)Nation

2 Replies

If what you are describing is accurate, then, yes, something is wrong.

This could be a reaction to losing her virginity. For sure, she is acting out

On the other hand, I agree with Joe - if she is attending classes and getting things done, then maybe she has an over-developed libido.

Makes for a bad roomie, so get yourself prepared to change roommates.

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@Joe Nation,

She is actually doing badly in classes also, on academic probation.

1 Reply

@Joe Nation,

And that was also not an exaggeration on the number of people she has been with.

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Sounds like histrionic personality disorder to me.

Here's a link with the description and another one with a test.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002498/
http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

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@sneezy1992,

Don't leave important stuff out as in how a college student is doing in college.

Again, has she asked for your help?

Joe(really trying to help here)Nation

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@sneezy1992,

Well, I'll go with Joe here - if she doesn't want help, she won't accept help.

Anger by the way, can be the flip side of crying. In other words, it can be a way to deal with overwrought emotions.

Lacking in emotional connection may (or may not) be a problem. Do you really care about all the deaths that occur in another country? Not really - because there is no connection there. If a stranger in a crowded room is rude to you - do you really care? Not overly, because there is no real connection (a very shallow one at best). What about all those guys that had sex with her - did they have a connection with her? And was that an issue? It's a matter of degrees in many circumstances.

If you are concerned - tell her so. If she says there's nothing wrong, you can tell her that you are still concerned (and why if you feel like, though that may cause problems if you don't deliver it right), and if she ever needs someone to talk to, you are there for her.

Other than that, as I said, I agree with Joe - you can only help if someone wants your help.

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@sneezy1992,

Sneezy1992,

I think you have every right to be concerned for your friend. She is making destructive decisions and using her body to get the attention that she may want or need emotionally. As a friend, you are being very noble in having her back like this. And while it may be certain to you that she does not care about your concern or intentions towards her, deep down inside I think she does. As a true friend, we never stop giving our love (sometimes even if it it refused from the friend we are looking out for). One day she will realize that you had her back, even if she does not show you she accepts it. And while it is true that you cannot help her if she refuses your help, I think that you can take another path altogether.

Speak to a counselor or someone (advisor, minor/major counselor) whom you trust (an adult) and explain the situation a little. Chances are that they will see what further measures can be taken and look towards getting this friend help without mentioning that it was you who brought her to their concern. Women who do these things are sending out a message (I have actually been there myself once) and they are crying out for help even if they do not realize it. I think your friend needs to talk to an adult role model (and someone who is not in the middle of your friendship) about what is leading her to do this. I also think that if she does not get help, she is prone to making other, worse and more self-destructive decisions that can ultimately put her in a very bad, even more unsafe place.

If you truly care about her as a friend (rest aside, even her refusing your help) seek a third party (adult) for help and guidance. In the long run, and once she breaks free, she will never regret you having helped her and it may just be what saves her. And that is the greatest thing you as a friend and companion can do for anyone-- helping them release themselves from the self-destructive tendancies that are so involved in, they cannot see the way out on their own. Do not fear what anyone says to you about it not being "worth it." If she is worth it to you, do this for her. (And feel proud and strong that you did!)

Good luck!

1 Reply

@mielbelle53,

Quote:

Speak to a counselor or someone (advisor, minor/major counselor) whom you trust (an adult) and explain the situation a little. Chances are that they will see what further measures can be taken and look towards getting this friend help without mentioning that it was you who brought her to their concern. Women who do these things are sending out a message (I have actually been there myself once) and they are crying out for help even if they do not realize it. I think your friend needs to talk to an adult role model (and someone who is not in the middle of your friendship) about what is leading her to do this. I also think that if she does not get help, she is prone to making other, worse and more self-destructive decisions that can ultimately put her in a very bad, even more unsafe place.

This is pretty good advice. My only thoughts on it are : Who would this girl consider a role model, that is accessible? And if not, would she accept a counsellors approach (and would they even approach first)?

Personally, now that I've thought about it - her behaviour bares similarities to those who've been molested as children (that is to say, she may not have been, but it is something to consider...as her behaviour is odd)

Quote:

If you truly care about her as a friend (rest aside, even her refusing your help) seek a third party (adult) for help and guidance.

I rather liked the tone of the whole post...except for the phrasing of the above quote, which has the same structure as the manipulative "If you truly loved me (you would)..."

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Speaking from personal experience, a friend who cares about another friend who will not listen to her, can and should appeal to a third party for help. Sometimes her word alone is not enough.

I was trying to stress the necessity of acting for one's friend if they care about that friend's wellbeing. Maybe my wording seemed off to you, but my point is: in caring for others, we do things beyond ourselves (hence, the "if you truly care about her, do this"). I am not implying it is the only option either, and that if she doesn't care it means she won't do it. I am simply stressing that she should not let the friend in concern's sentiments throw her desire to help that friend aside, and that in helping our friends, to a certain degree, we are being self-less.

Also, why bother replying to this forum if all of your responses need to balance off of the suggestions of others? I think that genuine advice is purely one's own, and that is to be respected. Consistently criticizing other's posts does not leave for a very "positive" forum, if that is what you are insistent upon. Perhaps the concern on your part was my wording. However, who are you to judge?

Ultimately, Sneezy1992 will do what she sees fit. It can also be off-putting to those who are looking for advice to see "debates" taking place, but I guess that this is what will naturally occur in forums like these, as they are places for question-posing. However, my point is-- why bother giving advice if you find fault in atleast one of each piece of advice given? Stress your own oppinions, and do not rely on quotes of others to balance your argument. In my oppinion, your words are the strongest, not anyone else's.

1 Reply

@mielbelle53,

Well, I obviously offended you Smile

And there is nothing good about "if you truly cared..." or "If you truly loved..." - that phrasing is always manipulative. It makes people feel bad if they disagree with you, or can't do it. It confuses people who don't understand that it's manipulative.

That said - as I previously said - I like the rest of your first post.

The obvious attempt (in your above post) to cast me as having no original thoughts of my own, and therefore deserving of less respect, is not bought by me either :

You call my agreeing with others non-genuine/internal (which is a fallacy in logic - for then you agreeing with anyone would mean it wasn't something you truly agreed with internally), while ignoring other supporting thoughts I provided...

...you feel that balancing a previous post shouldn't be done? That it is also somehow non-genuine, or weaker....

...and get offended by my disagreeing with just one small part of your post (which hey, if I'm not agreeing with you - to your logic - must be my true internal thoughts, right?)

You care, I can see that. And you sometimes try to manipulate too.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

I went to an all-women's college, so I like to speak my oppinions even if they bite. Clearly you offended me, but do you like offending people (you just smiled at that one) or just pushing buttons here and there?

And your rationale of my thoughts just made my head do summersaults.

If you read MY (original) forum question, maybe you'll see why it is that I like being "manipulative" as you say-- really I would argue that I am on the recieving end- so maybe my language reflects that, of being "manipulated" every day of my life by someone important to me.

I don't think you have the right to make any generalizations about me, since you don't know me, do you? But again, just my oppinion, which you seem to know so much about....

1 Reply

@mielbelle53,

Those aren't 'generalisations' - they are statements about manipulative comments that you have in fact, made. Again - turning something from a statement about two direct manipulations into a 'statement about your general disposition' is not what I said...and it's very obviously not what I said...and so is also manipulative.

I put the smiley face there because often, pointing out where people are being manipulative causes offence...so your response was understandable and there are no hard feelings from my end Smile

Quote:

If you read MY (original) forum question

You don't have an original forum question in this thread. Yours was a response. And I did compliment most of that response.

Quote:

maybe you'll see why it is that I like being "manipulative" as you say

I didn't say that you like being manipulative.

Quote:

But again, just my oppinion, which you seem to know so much about....

Again in error. Seriously, you turned a point about a manipulative phrase you used (which it was), into a dramatic bit of theatre.

Personally, I think that you are just unaware of those aspects of you that are manipulative - and they do seem to be just a very small part (though that small part is coming out in this thread, due to how you appear to handle conflict)

As I've previously said - but your above points seem to completely ignore - I thought you provided some rather good advice in your initial response.

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@sneezy1992,

Well your friend is doing something constructive with her life and she uses protection. So I can't knock her for having no feelings for men. After all, most men literally have no feelings for women so a woman having no feelings for men isn't a big deal. It's much better that way than for women who go around crying and begging men to stay, living as their slave, making babies in hopes of marriage, etc.

Your friend is better off than women who do that. A lot of those women with feelings don't even use protection and trust every guy with their life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned about her behavior, but the thing is, there's nothing you can do about it. So let it go and worry about something else. I just hope that for her sake that she still uses protection if she goes down.

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@sneezy1992,

She treats you as a friend?? If yes, then you must tell her that the routine, which she is following is not right for her. It can put her in trouble. I hope, she can understand. Unless, you should complain her parents because it is terrible for her future life...

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I personally, would not want this kind of roomie. I'd be looking for another room mate. ASAP.

Clearly these two people don't have the same outlook on relationships.

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Why do you think it's been 20 people?

Just trying to figure out the sources, here -- it doesn't seem to be her, since she's "denied everything."

It's not that unusual that a guy would unfairly label an erstwhile partner a "slut" and exaggerate what she's been doing.

If it IS true -- if it's been 20 people in 1.5 weeks -- I still see a wide range of possible reasons for it.

- She put off having sex for a long time and then when she finally did, thought it was the best thing ever and wanted to have a lot more of it. (If her focus is on sex, and she doesn't much care who the partner is, 2x/ day or less is not insane.)

- The situation with the "boyfriend" she lost her virginity to was actually not completely consensual, and this is an aftermath of that traumatic experience. Or, the boyfriend situation was fine, but something happened more recently. (Promiscuity can be a response to rape -- trying to take control over ones own sexuality.)

- She's having some sort of a mental health issue.

I agree with Joe that whether she's asking for help is important.

If she's not asking for help and you're worried about her, I recommend focusing on things like her suddenly tanking schoolwork, not the sex per se. That's definitely not necessarily pathological, at all.

IF that's even true, and again, it might not be.

Edit: reading again, when did the academic probation start? Maybe that's a cause of her anxiety and she's trying to put that out of her mind/ focus on something she's actually good at.

I could see that being the case if her parents are very strict and have been paying for her education, for example.

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@sneezy1992,

Quote:

Do you think that she is having some sort of breakdown? Or is this a symptom of some kind of psychological disorder?

The answer to both your questions is, yes, possibly. And there are a number of psychological disorders that could account for such symptomatology.

Is your roommate's behavior "out of control" in any area other than her sexual behaviors?

Does she drink excessively or use drugs? Is she sleeping and eating properly? Is she attending her classes? Does she fail to complete assignments or prepare for tests? Is she concerned about the fact that she's on academic probation? Is she socializing with other friends, beside you, in an appropriate manner? Is she getting herself into any other difficulties? Does she manage/spend money prudently?

Why are you worried about her? What do you fear might happen to her, or what do you fear she might do?

Is she a good roommate? Most of what seems to concern you has to do with her sexual behaviors, and that's not directly related to you, in fact, it could be argued that it's none of your business . Do you want to continue sharing a room with her next year? Are you uncomfortable or disturbed by sharing a room with her?

I think the only decision you have to make is whether you want to go on rooming with her. I honestly don't think there is much else you can, or should, do regarding her behavior, other than to tell her how it makes you feel, or how it affects you, and leave it at that. She is not doing anything dangerous, or anything that requires an urgent intervention.

If her sexual activity is symptomatic of a psychological disorder, it's not one that seems to be causing her any feelings of distress, which means she would be unlikely to seek treatment on her own, or even accept the idea of treatment right now. In addition, any underlying psychological disorder will become clearer in time because it will affect other areas of her functioning and her other relationships--as might already be the case with her poor academic performance. Since the semester is about over, and I'm assuming she will be going home for the summer, I would let her parents observe and address her behavior, including the fact that she is on academic probation, and any other things they might find disturbing when she is with them, and leave it to their discretion how to handle it.

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I think my friend needs help...

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