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Dating a widower who wants a tattoo of late wife

 
 
jes71
 
Reply Sun 6 May, 2012 11:06 am
I have been dating a widower for almost two years. He still has her clothes in closet and their wedding picture up. This doesn't really bother me. He needs whatever time to heal. But....then this happened... His children have tattoos in memory of their mother. His daughter asked him yesterday if he was going to get a tattoo of any kind. He said he wanted to get one of a yellow rose and his late wife's portrait. When we were first dating it was a topic, that he might get one but then time went on and thought he decided against it. I should have just told him how I felt; that I would not date him if he got the tattoo. I don't doubt that he loves me. If he got the tattoo, what does that mean? What do you all think? I will be asking him what is his reasonings are but wanted to get some other views before I have the conversation with him.
 
contrex
 
  3  
Reply Sun 6 May, 2012 01:45 pm
I can understand him wanting to keep his kids mother's memory alive for their sakes, but I think that if he is thinking of having her portrait tattooed on his body then he is not ready to move on. And that is putting it mildly. Forgive me if this is a bit blunt: I don't know if your relationship is yet at a stage where you see each other naked, but just imagine, at those moments when a couple should be at their closest and most intimate, he seems to think you will enjoy seeing a portrait of the dear departed shoved in front of your eyes. Personally I would find it quite a distraction. Would he like to see a guy you once dated tattooed on your body? If I were in your position, I would be thinking of whether this was the right situation for me. Even if you said to him you'd break up with him if he got the tattoo, and he stepped back from that, who knows what other little touches of this kind he might want in the future? The photos and clothes are a bit of a clue. Also the kids might feel encouraged by all this to give you a hard time for not being their sainted Mommy. Think hard, not just about the tattoo but what you want, and more importantly, what you deserve, from the relationship and whether, realistically, you are going to get it.

[Update] I just asked my wife what she would do and she said "I'd run a mile!"


roger
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 May, 2012 02:10 pm
@contrex,
Total agreement here.
0 Replies
 
jes71
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 May, 2012 02:16 pm
@contrex,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It sums up exactly what I feel. I was actually quite taken aback when it was mentioned because we are so very close and say the "I love yous" etc... I mean I've met his family and am included in every aspect of his life. I am getting closer to his family. We are a mainstay you know? We had the talk if he was ready to move on and he said he was but these things say otherwise. We love each other and we both have much emotion invested in each other but I definitely won't be afraid to heed your wife's advice. I was single for most of my life and never married so won't be scared to be on my own again and wait for what I deserve. Thanks again
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 May, 2012 03:40 pm
Maybe the kids are pressuring him. And he just says he's going to do it.

If he did, I'd move on, too.
That's a step backwards, IMHO , and not the best way to remember her - or to start a new relationship with you.

0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 May, 2012 05:21 pm
Playing second fiddle to a dead woman is no basis for a satisfying relationship.
JTT
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 May, 2012 08:59 pm
@contrex,
Who knows the number, but there are likely millions upon millions of marriages/relationships wherein at least one partner is a second fiddle.

It's just not so in your face as this one could end up being.

It's not fair to a human to demand that one stops loving another just because that other is gone, for whatever reason. A person who demands total love, when that's not a possibility, is being unrealistic. But a person who enters another relationship and asks that the former partner not be shoved in their face is certainly making a fair request.
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Mon 7 May, 2012 02:28 am
@JTT,
JTT wrote:
Who knows the number, but there are likely millions upon millions of marriages/relationships wherein at least one partner is a second fiddle.


Yes, quite so, and I am suggesting to the OP that she thinks carefully about whether she wants to join their ranks. She has a choice.

Quote:
It's just not so in your face as this one could end up being.


Yes, but I am not suggesting that all such relationships should be immediately terminated.

Quote:
It's not fair to a human to demand that one stops loving another just because that other is gone, for whatever reason. A person who demands total love, when that's not a possibility, is being unrealistic.


However a person who realises that the amount and nature of love that are in prospect are neither enough nor what she wants is not only entitled, but well advised to withdraw.

I didn't suggest that she make such a demand; rather that she thinks beyond that to consider what the totality of his actual behaviour informs her about his personality and situation (keeping her clothes, still displaying all her photos, contemplating a tattooed memorial on his body, unwillingness or inability to consider her feelings about these things)
0 Replies
 
davi
 
  0  
Reply Wed 9 May, 2012 03:06 am
@jes71,
You must out that is his children are pressurizing him. May be it is possible or he may be doing it make his children happy. This sort of problem usually occurs in families.
0 Replies
 
myadultdatingblog23
 
  0  
Reply Mon 28 May, 2012 07:15 pm
@jes71,
im not dating a widower..
0 Replies
 
legalbillingsoftware
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Jun, 2012 12:49 am
if he still wants to get tattoo in memory of her late wife, then he has not get over it yet.
0 Replies
 
 

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