What's the best way do deal with a girl when she says she just wants to be friends?

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I started work with a girl 3 months ago who has a boyfriend of 5 years. As times gone by I began to feel a real connection with her and felt she was the same. We flirted and talked a lot and began texting every night. We went on a works night out recently where she ended up stopping at mine. We ended up kissing and cuddling in bed and we told each other we liked each other. We talked it through and she said she's happy with her boyfriend and Isn't going to leave him especially as we still don't really know each other. She wants us to go back to being friends. Now I'm having a nightmare because we are closer than ever and continuing to text every night and flirt and everything and I'm just not sure how to handle the situation with all the mixed messages I'm getting? Any advice would be appriciated.

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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 1,644 • Replies: 17

@steve24,

Firstly, welcome to A2K. You have my sympathy with this relationship. It's great being close but only if you're both heading towards a direction that works for both of you.

You know so many people here might offer you some sage (and not-so-sage) advice, but the discussion wouldn't be as valuable as hearing it from her. I would suggest strongly to discuss it directly with her.

I'm not certain if this is what is going on but perhaps she needs to stop sending you these mixed messages. She can't have her cake and eat it, too.

1 Reply

@steve24,

The fact that you and her are still flirting and texting nightly tells me she's having her cake and eating it too. And you're the server.

Maybe tell her you're not capable of being "just friends" do to the feelings you have for her.

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@Ragman,

too weird... the cake reference that is

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@thack45,

GMTA (great minds think alike)

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@thack45,

I was going to observe that that's oregano advice, but the posts went in another direction.
I agree with Ragman and Thack.

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@ossobuco,

I agree with us too! Unfortunately for steve24, he is steve24 and not ragman or thack. Ever notice how much easier it is to solve the problems of others rather than our own?

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@thack45,

Yes.

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@thack45,

Yes.

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@thack45,

Problems? What problems? I'm wallowing deeply in my Golden Years (not)!

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@ossobuco,

Sage - oregano. I see how you did that!

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@steve24,

steve24 wrote:

Now I'm having a nightmare because we are closer than ever and continuing to text every night and flirt and everything and I'm just not sure how to handle the situation with all the mixed messages I'm getting?

you don't think you're sending mixed messages as well? you are also continuing to text and flirt and everything with someone who's told you that you are staying in the friend role.

move on.

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@steve24,

steve24 wrote:

I'm just not sure how to handle the situation with all the mixed messages I'm getting?

You're not getting mixed messages. She likes you enough to flirt with you. She doesn't like you enough to ditch her boyfriend of five years and start a relationship with you. What we have here is nuance, not contradiction. This is the deal she's offering. Take it or leave it, it's up to you.

2 Replies

@steve24,

steve24 wrote:

What's the best way do deal with a girl when she says she just wants to be friends?

Tell her that's fine, but remind her that girlfriends trump friends, so when you get a girlfriend she's going to have to move to the back seat. She'll either be ok with that or not and then you'll know what direction things should go.

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@Thomas,

True - in my single days, we used to call boys like you...backup.

Backup in case things do not work with our current boyfriend...

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Responding to me, Linkat wrote:

True - in my single days, we used to call boys like you...backup.

Boys like me? Backup? And we haven't even met yet. I must be doing pretty good then, right? Smile

1 Reply

@Thomas,

well I was referring to Steve...but if you would like to be backup - I wouldn't object.

As we also used to say ---- ya gotta have backup....

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@Thomas,

Quote:

We went on a works night out recently where she ended up stopping at mine. We ended up kissing and cuddling in bed and we told each other we liked each other.

Thomas wrote:

You're not getting mixed messages. She likes you enough to flirt with you. She doesn't like you enough to ditch her boyfriend of five years and start a relationship with you. What we have here is nuance, not contradiction. This is the deal she's offering. Take it or leave it, it's up to you.

I'm with Thomas on this one - I doubt I could have said it better myself.

Besides of which - it's rather self centred chasing a girl in a relationship isn't it? So many don't like it to happen to them, but they are more than happy to do it to others. So to selfish, you can add that it's hypocritical behaviour.

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What's the best way do deal with a girl when she says she just wants to be friends?

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