Mon 9 Apr, 2012 10:01 am
I have been married for four years. My husband is a retired Marine and is 12 years older than me. My husband has cheated on me while we were dating, which caused me to leave him (we were living together). After being separated for a year, he started coming back around and showing some signs that he hd changed. He even told me that he was chasing women in order to get all of the things that he was too stupid to realize I was offering (his words not mine). His humility and humble attitude made me think that he had changed. We got back together and got married a year later. The main problems that we have are his willingness to help and do for others the same things that he acts as if I am taking advantage of him if he does those same things for me, or he refuses to do the same things for me (oil changes for the car, lending money between paydays, going with me to appointments or my kid's sporting events). We entertain a lot and most of the people that come are married, and the ones that are not married or in a serious relationship are women. It seems that he creates a bond with the women that are single and attractive. He somehow without me being aware, exchanges numbers with these women and they develop a relationship of calling, emailing and texting each other. Then if they need him to do things for them like I mentioned above he jumps at the chance, even if they don't ask, but he hears of them needing this help, he jumps at the chance to help them. Me, and my 20 year old daughter pay to have these things done for us, until he is faced with the fact that we are doing so then he barks out instructions for us to follow in order for him to help us with these sorts of things, but all the while he is extremely annoyed and establishes all kinds of requirements we have to meet before he will do the things for us (being home by a certain window of time so that we don't interrupt his favorite show, or before his buddies show up) none of his other friends male or female have to adhere to such rules and restrictions, they can come at anytime, not have all of the supplies needed, and he still does what ever they need done, if we miss one thing, we have to deal with his attitude, or threats that we will have to wait days before he can get to it which causes us anxiety that we have done something wrong. When I bring to his attention that he is different with us than he is with his friends, he will claim that he knew the friends before us, or that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Eventually we go back to paying people to do these things for us until something happens that makes him feel that he has to do it for his - causing the cycle to repeat.
Back to the women, they will come to our gatherings (summer cook0uts, New Years Party, 4th of July/Husband's birthday party) and they become very comfortable with my husband as far as joking and sometimes even wrestling around (which is rediculous my husband is 51 these women's ages range from 25 to 46) and even though they are very comfortable with him, they are distant and borderline disrespectful to me - they don't speak, they thank my husband for the good food and good time, but barely even say good-bye to me when they leave and the list goes on. I am sure that my story is one sided, I am sure that most of you want to know if I am doing something to make these people/females feel unwelcomed, or if I have ever been ungrateful causing my husband to not want to do mechanical work for me and my daughter. The truth is, I am very loving and welcoming maybe it makes me come across as a push over, why else would people come into my home and not be concerned about their actions and how I would react. I am very nice to my husband and appreciative for all that he does for me, I tell him so, I purchase cards out of the blue to thank him, and other little things like giving special romantic nights just to show my appreciation. He just seems determined to publicly show that I am not important to him.
I am attractive so I used think that he was intimidated by my appearence, in fact the women that he is overy nice to or flirts with, often have similarities to me and my apperance. I just don't get it. I tell him that his actions are disrespectful to me and I try to stand up for myself but it just leads to weeks of silent treatments and hurtful actions on his part. I am at the end of my rope and just don't know what to make of the situation. I already suggested counseling and he flat out refuses. I only seem to get his attention when I am just about packed and ready to leave, but when I stay its only a matter of time before his behavior reverts back. Can anyone make sense of what is going on here? Help please.
I think your husband loves his little harem and all the attention they give him. And I think he's taking you for granted, big time. I wish I had more; I'm sorry.
You first have to acknowledge that marriage is an unsuccessful institution
Either your husband was used to calling the shots, or he was constantly told what to do.. Either way, he is now calling all the shots and if you don't like it bad luck.
Is that the way you really want to live your life? You are 12 years younger than him, so you have a lot of youth still on your side.
He's not impossible to communicate with. He controls you. He knows how to communicate, his friends, and "girlfriends" communicate fine with him, he purely wants to control you, your life. Maybe, he recognises your beauty and feels if he controls your life, you, then you won't leave. Maybe he realises the amount of men that would admire you, try to date you and that he would lose, if he didn't control you, to make you feel worthless, useless.
You're not worthless, useless are you... Time to think deeply about you and where you really want to head in life, instead of wasting it on someone who gives you nothing, in life.
What is "sense" here is that you are married to a controlling, promiscuous, needy man who needs lots of attention from younger women.
So you can expect this to continue all your life with him - the "girls" will continue to be younger versions of yourself.
Get yourself ready financially and get prepared to bail out.
It's so much more dignified to leave than to be kicked out.
Just means of flagging the entry in subscribed-threads listing
I've never seen a post with more 'I'm cheating' red flags - I don't think it was possible to put more of them into a single post.
Your husband is also a control freak.
He also has an ego the size of a football stadium (yes, that's exagerated, though I'm sure not by too much)
For whatever it's worth, that is the purpose of Tags. you place a Tag on a thread and then you can click on "My Tags" when you want to revisit and effectively that acts a place holder.
Thank you Rag for that tip, I’ll try it
So, how has his behavior changed from before you married him?
You need to talk to a counselor and understand how to manage your behavior and deal with this man, rather than accepting his behavior and just placing blame. It's doubtful he will change, so you have a decision to make. Be more selective next time.
I am sorry to say, your husband treats you like a doormat and you let him!
As long as you let him do this to you, nothing will change.
Never in my life would I host my husband's girlfriends while they wine and dine at my house and not even have the decency of showing basic manners.
You allow this kind of behavior and either have to live with it or get out -
I don't think that there is any other solution.
Thanks everyone for the very candid and true responses. I know that he is controlling me and that the behavior will never stop (at least not until he is too old and I am forced to be his nurse). I think I began to question my own judgement or what I knew to be true about my situation because I expected there to be some sign that he knew/cared that his behavior was wrong. When he didn't show the signs I began second guessing myself, and slipping further and further into the state of mind that I couldn't do better alone or find a better mate because of some of his "better" qualities. I've worked too hard to spend the rest of my life being someones door mat. I have started to put some things in motion to work towards my freedom, I have a conservative plan that will allow me to move out in about 8 months, and I have connected with some close friends if I am put in the position to have to leave immediately. Thanks again everyone!
Very smart and well thought out.
Hope to hear from you in a year or so and find out how you're doing (or earlier if you're so inclined; not kicking you out or anything).