Propose New Tea Party Style Laws

The following proposed shariaesque laws are my expected ideal laws for the American Taliban ... sorry the constituents of the Tea Party.

*All women over the age of 13 must address every male in their presence as father even if he is younger then the woman. No eye contact can be made when a woman addresses each male in her presence.

*All women above the age of 13 will not speak unless spoken to by a male. And even then she can only disparage liberal society, culture, and assorted media.

*Women also may not speak more then eight to ten words per sentence/speaking period with exception on if said woman has been fortunate enough to be a governor of a red state for more than 2 months.

Ovaries and uterus and sex appeal are to be placed into a secure safety deposit box (fees to be paid by woman) unless sex is used, during marriage, for procreational purposes only, or for open marriage stuff like Newt likes.

Use of copious amounts of hairspray as a cancer cure to be studied by scientists so long as no stem cells are involved, although if said stem cells come from a dusky-complected someone wearing a hoodie, they might be all right.

Families to be taught about in schools are to only be white, nuclear and intact. Hence the following subversive books and stories are to be eliminated:
1) Snow White (despite the name)
2) Cinderella
3) Hamlet
etc.

The following products of single marriages or step-parenting are to be removed from the history books as they could not have possibly been successful:
1) Barack Obama
2) Bill Clinton
3) Abraham Lincoln
etc.

The following product of an illegitimate birth to be removed from all currency:
Alexander Hamilton

All gay men and lesbians will furthermore be considered 4th class citizens.

When driving, all gay men and lesbians must pull over to the side of the road and yield all traffic to straight men, heterosexual women, and closeted Republican congressmen, senators, and governors.

Only after every straight driver has passed at any given moment can a gay male or lesbian driver can return to driving.

The one man, one vote concept will apply to the following: no one.

In Red States, it's four votes for every heterosexual man, three for every heterosexual woman and two for everyone who we're not really sure about but at least is in a Red State. It is a given that these people are all voting for the GOP. Anyone voting for the Left is automatically declared dead or moved out of state.

Swing States get half these votes although if the person is leaning Republican they get three-quarters of the amount in Red States. All fractional totals are automatically decided in favor of Republicans, even if it's 10,000 3/4 for Democrats. That 3/4 still belongs to the GOP. All Left-leaning voters are deported.

In Blue States, it's six votes for every heterosexual man voting Republican and five for every heterosexual woman voting for the GOP. Ambiguous persons get three and a half votes if voting for the Right. Anyone voting for the Left gets an automatic negative vote, with gay lesbian Subaru-driving green Socialist Commie pinko vegans getting minus seventeen times their vote. All negative totals are automatically decided in favor of the GOP, hence -10,000 is really a +10,000 for the Right.

Anyone really light in the loafers in a Blue State who wears an ascot or other unapproved accoutrement(s), including hoodies, hijabs, yarmulkes, tams decorated with African symbols, etc. is barred from voting entirely. While the Tea Party does not formally advocate tying rocks to these people's hijabs, hoodies, etc. and throwing them into the nearest body of water, the fact that such things occur is a tragic matter that will be ignored, and the Party's mentioning of same and tacit approval and lack of protest about same will be swept under the rug until the next election cycle when some other nosy crusading reporter tries to dig it up. Said reporter will be assigned to front-line reporting in Afghanistan as a reward for his or her diligence.

There shall be no further taxation of Americans. All services, such as infrastructure, military, schools, police and fire service, shall be by subscription only. The three branches of government are reduced to one person per branch.

To aid in efficient policing by profile, all citizens of any apparent ethnicity other than White Anglo Saxon Protestant when traveling by automobile outside of their immediate area of residence shall be required to report directly to the city or county jail of any area visited to do one night in jail and pay a $100 fine.

All persons not belonging to the Tea Party shall have to provide 8 pieces of identification to prove they are US citizens. Failure to provide that will result in that person having to wear a badge showing they are not really a US citizen.

Birth certificates for dusky complected persons born in wacky places like Honolulu, Utah or Jersey City will have to be made available to any yahoo who requests them, even for the flimsiest of pretexts. This means the long form, in double-secret quintuplicate, scented with lavender and beautifully written in calligraphy. Violators will not be considered American, even by a doctor delivering them in Kansas City or some other place way the hell and gone away from any geographic borders.

1)All member of the public except for Tea Party Members in good standing will be subject to full body searches at any time.

2)Scheduled Public Book burnings.

3)State Approved Religions

4)Curfews except for Tea Party Members in good standing.

5) Public corporal and capital punishment

Goverment public education will be done away with since it only creates liberals. Instead children will be educated according to Tea Party approved programs.

Government health care like Obamacare will also be eliminated. Instead people will get health care through private programs like Medicare.

Motorists arrested for even minor traffic offenses can be strip-searched, even if they are not suspected of having contraband of any kind.

No, wait... that one's for real!

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinionla/la-ed-strip-search-supreme-20120404,0,6507648.story

Anyone caught reading a book not written by Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Bill O'Reilly, or any other Fox News anchor/personality, or perusing a newspaper or periodical not owned and published by News Corp will be subject to extraordinary rendition sans due process to Guantanamo Bay for approximately 10 years.

"re-nig" shall be added to the English dictionary.