Sister-in-law advice needed

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Okay, here's the problem. My brother and his wife have two kids. I recently found out my brother's wife is pregnant again. So I called up last weekend to congratulate them. They weren't home, as usual, so I left a message on their machine, saying congratulations on the new little monster that they're expecting. I didn't think anything of it. Then I get a call from my mother the next day telling me that she thinks my sister-in-law was hurt by my message. Now, since I'm not hearing this first-hand, I am hoping that my mother is just blowing this out of proportion, but . . .

First question: How could anyone be hurt by that? It's just an expression!

Second question: How should I handle it if she is hurt? I'm going to call this weekend to figure out what the hell is going on, and I really really don't think I did anything wrong. How do I let her know that I think this is ridiculous without starting a whole big scene? Or should I just keep my feelings to myself and tell her what she wants to hear? This is the strategy I have taken in the past, and it isn't very fulfilling.

Just for a little background, my sister-in-law and I don't get along. We talk civilly when we have no other choice, but usually we stay away from each other. And when she makes snide comments about me in front of the rest of the family, I usually ignore it. I've been doing this for about ten years or so.

Thanks for any help

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You know, each family has some loving name for offspring that they use in an adoring way that others just might not get, and might even find reason for not accepting it....
however
If your sister in law has been in the family long enough to already have two kids, you would think she would have already heard this from someone at some time.
Even if she takes it in a way that is associating her present children and their personailities with the little one on the way...I gotta say

hormones

what can you do?

Really though..come on..lighten it up a bit. You however should try to call again and talk live to let them know you really are happy and excited for them...it could just blow over.
I find it odd that your mother didnt try to calm the situation...or your brother for that matter.

gotta be the hormones...just do what you can to lighten it up a bit....and dont ever call her children monkey, choo-choo, bubbles, cuddles, rug-rat or anything else.

Ask if they've picked out a name yet.

I usually go with 'the bun' until I get that info.

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She's pregnant - she doesn't need an excuse. Just say you're sorry.

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Sounds like my sister in law. What fun!!!!!

I'd just call again......congrats, and leave it at that.

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I don't know, calling her fetus a monster might be a little offensive... But hopefully not to anyone sober enough to know that it's an affectionate name.

Never tell her that you are sorry directly, say that you are sorry for the misunderstanding. She needs to know that you adore her other children, yadda yadda. Just flatter the hell out of her and sound overly sincere. Seems to work on pregnant women.

And if that doesn't work, offer to buy her some pickles and ice-cream.

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I have always called my kids the heathens. I made the mistake, once, of calling all the kids that in front of my SIL. S*** hit the fan...
We call her the perfect, cause apparently everything she does is perfect.

Listen, If I were you, I'd go about as if nothing has happened. She knows perfectly well it was meant in fun, she's just acting the wounded party. Some people are like that. If it really bothered her, she would have told you personally, instead she's rallied the troops.

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Yeah i think she is just using what you said as an easy way to start something. Just forget about it, i'm sure it will blow over.

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Once the child is born, lovingly stroke its little arm as you make comments to your sister-in-law about how adorable it is. She'll soon forget the whole unfortunate incident of which we speak.

http://www.countway.med.harvard.edu/rarebooks/exhibits/waterhouse/baby.jpg

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It seems she got upset, complained to your brother, who complained to your mother, who complained to you...

So, she's got one in the oven and a stick up her.....

Don't feed the fire. If your bro or SIL has an issue, let them approach it. If they're so whiny that they'll just cry to anyone but you, well, screw 'em. She's just looking for something to whine about so everyone will say "Oh! Poor SIL! Kickycan is so mean to her!" Seems like they do that to about you with the rest of the family anyway, and your brother is no help by not telling her to shut it.

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Tough call, Kick, Prega Nancy she's a hard one to udder stan, you udder stan? goo. So this weekend you call,, ,,, you be normal, yeah, you be the normal one. Say,

Hey, I'm sorry I upset you, I'm really happy for you and my brother, I goofed. So how are you?

Then shut up. Let her talk. and Talk.

Joe

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I'd also just forget about it. If she took offense to what you said, then she obviously has no sense of humour, so why bother.

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It is just an expression... yes, but not the sweetest thing you could think of to say. You say you have a "history" with this sister-in-law. Do others in the family commonly call her children monsters? Do you truly adore these children, or do you, in fact, think of them as monsters? Are they a little bratty, perhaps not raised as you would? I'm assuming you don't have any kids of your own, right?

So many questions...

I also assume this will blow over, but it isn't amazing to me that she might take offense at what seems a not-that-innocent expression. I would not want anybody calling my babies monsters, except me or another mom in the same boat. I'd particularly not appreciate it from somebody that I don't get along with. The closer you are, the more OK it is to use expressions like this.

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Piffka, I see your point. I do think of their other children as little brats sometimes, but for the most part I love the little monsters Smile

But, our family has never been shy and sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff. I remember many times hearing my mother saying "what a monster he is!" or "she is such a brat!" when referring to my nephew and niece, and then laughing.

But I see your point about it being okay for some people to say things and not for others. When she makes jokes about me that might or might not be innocent jibes, I get pissed. But I keep that stuff to myself, for the sake of keeping the peace. If I do it, why can't she?

But I digress. Piffka what do you think I should do then? Apologize? If I do, then I think it's only fair that I get to blast her the next time she makes any joke at my expense.

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Well, that would help to clear the air but I'd only apologize if they bring it up. ("Oh, you know I didn't mean it like that... I love those kids of yours.")

You're in an awkward position because you've heard this secondhand. (You're also in an awkward position because your mom put you there, rather than sticking up for you... but that's another question.)

I think, if I were you, I'd call again to congratulate them live. (Don't leave another message!) Mention early that you'd already left one message and are real happy for them. Be sure to say how much you love the other kids (this time say their names) and then start chatting. When is it due? Do they want a boy or girl? What do the others think? How is she feeling? blah, blah, blah. Tease a little, but they may be sensitive for a number of reasons, so be gentle.

I think if they're really offended, that will cause them to see you are, in fact, truly a sterling character and an asset to their family. Especially show that you love their kids and the whole thing will blow over.

PS Asking to talk to the other kids, even for just a minute or two, will endear you to all of them.

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I agree with Piffka.

Good luck ;-)

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Well, thanks to all of you for giving your time and thought to my problem. I was torturing myself about this, because I have a real problem with being disingenuous. I know that the best thing to do to smooth this over would be to just make nice and pretend I feel like I was wrong, but it actually gives me a stomach ache to let her get away without calling her out on her craziness.

And then tonight, I was out at a bar with friends, and it hit me! Alcohol! I'm going to take two shots of whiskey, make the call, and gush about the new baby. Yes!

but after this, I will be more careful with my words when dealing with her. And the next time she comes out with any joke at my expense, I am going to nail her with no mercy. The gloves are off.

later

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KickyCan...I know you decided to make the call and gush. But for some reason...I see myself with my SIL from hell in the same situations as you. Thats a hard thing to do....is swallow that. I have had to....and wanted to choke and puke.

For the most part.....she want take your gushing as from the heart. She will to your face, but the minute the phone is hung up....she'll be right back to gnawing at you again....through your mother and her husband. I can hear it now....I'd bet money on it...the minute you get off the phone, she tells her husband as she's dialing your MIL!

But GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!

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Hmmm, your mother. That is another question.

My scenario was to start over again, ignoring the previous drama that included your mom. Really, I don't think you should apologize UNLESS they bring it up.

I think you should always stick up for yourself... don't let this sister-in-law or anyone else put you down...ever.

Also, don't slur your words after those two shots or I have a feeling you'll hear about THAT. Wink

I'm wondering...
You said

Quote:

'make nice and pretend I feel like I was wrong'...

Originally you said you didn't like her but you were being nice. Also everyone in your family calls children monsters so that shouldn't have offended.

Now I'm thinking that you really were hoping to tweak her by saying another monster was on the way.

If you were going to do that, why bother with the congratulation call in the first place? That's so passive-aggressive.

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Well, when I called I wasn't really thinking about her at all. I was thinking about my brother, and how happy I was for him.

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Sister-in-law advice needed

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