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How can you stop comparing yourself with others?

 
 
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 07:47 am
Hi guys. Please don't judge, but I've never had a problem with whatever shape or size I am (I'm not fat, but I'm not very skinny either). However, I've started comparing myself with other people. And not only on a physical level, but on a mental level as well - for example who's more clever than me, and who's brighter and more creative or does better in class! How do I stop this?
 
View best answer, chosen by michelleyy
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 07:52 am
@michelleyy,
It might help if you could share why you want to stop.

Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it to me...in fact, it seems quite natural.

Why do you want to stop?

AND...when you compare, do you more often come up negative to yourself or positive?
michelleyy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 07:56 am
@Frank Apisa,
Because I don't believe comparing yourself with others is a good thing - I get discouraged when I know I'm not as good as others or I become full of myself if I happen to be better and therefore I don't believe it's a good thing - I just dont know how to stop!

Also, the saying goes:
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”
Lao Tzu

I know everyone is different and that everyone has different strong points and weak points, but I still can't stop myself from comparing. What should I do?
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:02 am
@michelleyy,
I would say from observation of my personal and other's behavior, that it's hard to stop completely. It's sort of hard-wired into us or our parents or family may have passed that behavior on to us. Society and our schools seem to thrive on this comparison-competitive behavior, too. However, I think we can minimize and put it in the background so our self-confidence isn't damaged by this behavior.

Rationally we know rationally that there'll always be someone more attractive and/or brighter. No matter what we think they've got going for them, they're not US! We each have our unique qualities that our family, friends, employers/fellow workers notice in us and others either respect, love or admire. Objectively, while at the same time that these people who are incredibly bright and/or sexy have those plus-side qualities and characteristcs, they also have negatives. They may not be as well-adjusted and happy as we project on to them

Finally, we all have our own paths and goals. While we focus ourselves on achieving these individual goals and paths we set, we needn't get hung-up on superficially observing these momentary snap-shots observations of others. We can't assume that they're happier or more fulfilled or 'better' people than we are. If we did that, we'd be wasting our valuable time and energy - not to mention that we'd be flat wrong. as we mature and see over and over again that these people aren't as 'perfect' as we thought, we learn to readjust our attitude about the comparing behavior.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:02 am
I don't know HOW you can stop.

I only know that when you do accept people for what they are, it is very freeing. It allows you to really get to know people and see the beauty in everyone around you.
michelleyy
 
  2  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:03 am
@Ragman,
Thank you for your reply - I really appreciate advice!
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:09 am
@michelleyy,
YVW.

And, BTW, I know we haven't met here before. I notice from your other psots you are a thoughtful person. Welcome to A2K. Your presence and good qualities are noticed and appreciated.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:19 am
@michelleyy,
Quote:
I know everyone is different and that everyone has different strong points and weak points, but I still can't stop myself from comparing. What should I do?


There are only two things available for you TO do, that I can see.

One, you can stop comparing yourself to others by sheer willpower (which seems unlikely)...or you can stop thinking that comparing yourself with others is a bad thing.

There truly is nothing wrong with comparing yourself with others, Michelle. Everyone does it...it is almost unavoidable.

It sounds, however, as though you end up comparing yourself unfavorably with others.

That is a different question...and maybe it would help to conceive of the problem in different words.

In this question, you termed it:
Quote:
How can you stop comparing yourself with others?


Take a look at the problem worded this way:
Quote:
How do I gain better self-esteem, so that when I compare myself with others, I do not come away with such a negative opinion of myself?


Building self-esteem is always a toughy...and EVERYONE has a problem with it. My guess is that many of the people you compare yourself with (and come away thinking they are better, physically more attractive, or smarter)...do the same thing you do AND COME AWAY THINKING THE SAME THING. They ALSO have problems in this area.

Deficiencies in self-assurance is widespread...much more widespread than you may realize.

Two ways of dealing with it that I know of:

First of all...keep getting older. As you do, your self-assurance and self-esteem will grow.

In the meantime...here is a trick some people use: Just keep telling yourself that you are better than you sometimes give yourself credit for. Just keep telling yourself that at every opportunity.

It works. Gotta warn you, though, that it works very much in reverse also. If you keep telling yourself that you are not very good...it works. So even if you have trouble telling yourself that you are better than you give yourself credit for...be sure NOT to tell yourself that you are not good and important.

Give it a try.



0 Replies
 
djjd62
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:22 am
@michelleyy,
wait, you think there are people who are better than you

weird
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:28 am
@michelleyy,
Others? What others? Where are they? I know there's always some noise...after I speak. There are other people to consider out there? Laughing
0 Replies
 
michelleyy
 
  2  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:42 am
@Ragman,
Thank you very much, you're comment is truly encouraging! I'm glad to know that others take notice Smile
0 Replies
 
michelleyy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:44 am
@djjd62,
well yes, I do believe that there will always be someone better than me out there (which is fine because if we come back to reality it's not like I'm God. I'm perfectly fine with that) It's just that I compare myself with my friends, and beat myself up for nothing. I just wished I knew how to stop, that's all
0 Replies
 
michelleyy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 08:45 am
@PUNKEY,
Yes I completely agree! Now I just have to learn a way to accept who I am as well...
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 11:09 am
Well, you will always OBSERVE so don't try to stop that.

It's better to just ask yourself "what do I do with that perception?"

Seeing a beautiful woman may kick in certain feelings; likewise, if you see a crippled child, when someone gets a better grade at school or you beating someone at a game.

Perhaps a study about one of the Deadly Sins: Pride will help you out.

I feel it all goes back to that, in the end.
aidan
 
  3  
Reply Mon 5 Mar, 2012 11:19 am
@PUNKEY,
Well, I'll tell you what worked for me - I had a friend whose father was an alcoholic and so she went to Al-Anon meetings or Adult Children of Alcholic meetings- whatever- and she repeated to me something that was somewhat of a mantra there and it was : 'Do NOT compare your insides to someone else's outsides' (which is realistically all you can observe).

Yeah and you really can't with any accuracy. Someone may seem to be really, really together and perfect on the outside, but they may be just as much as a mess on the inside that you feel you are.

She told me about that when I was about twenty - and it has served me well ever since, so remember : Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides.'

I'd never have heard that if I hadn't had a friend who had a father who went through AA - and it's become one of my life's credos.

Happy to be able to share it with you. Hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.
0 Replies
 
GracieGirl
 
  2  
Reply Wed 7 Mar, 2012 03:45 pm
Easy! Just take Jenna's advice! Smile

0 Replies
 
IRFRANK
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Mar, 2012 11:13 am
@michelleyy,
Try Buddhism.

There is no need to compare you self to anything or anyone.

Awareness.
0 Replies
 
Jeremiah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Mar, 2012 05:55 pm
@michelleyy,
http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/312950_10150487715654673_710354672_10438426_263189101_n.jpg
bulldogcoma
  Selected Answer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Mar, 2012 12:23 pm
@michelleyy,
Sounds like an ego thing. If I may be so bold bold as to suggest a book: A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle. He delves deeply into the mechanisms the ego uses to accentuate its sense of worth, and breaks it down to show why its an illusory concept.
0 Replies
 
Foofie
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Mar, 2012 11:02 am
@michelleyy,
michelleyy wrote:

Hi guys. Please don't judge, but I've never had a problem with whatever shape or size I am (I'm not fat, but I'm not very skinny either). However, I've started comparing myself with other people. And not only on a physical level, but on a mental level as well - for example who's more clever than me, and who's brighter and more creative or does better in class! How do I stop this?


I think many people continually compare themselves to others, because today our society has many people treating themselves like merchandise to be marketed, inorder to have what one wants. So, for example, if the belief is that many guys want girls of a certain height, weight, or hairstyle, then any young lady that does not measure up to the supposed good standards, may feel that she will lose out in the marketplace of guy attracting.

And the same thing goes for jobs, or getting into a certain school. This society, I believe is much more competitive than ever. I recently read in a book ("Quiet - the Power of Introverts") that in the Victorian times there was a culture of Character. People were judged based on their honesty, courage, etc. Then sometime in the early 20th century, when salesmen were needed to sell all the new products factories were turning out, society became a culture of Personality. So today, many an introvert is considered a poor choice for many a job, or in many other venues.

Anyway, I believe, if we realize that we are all making stories in our heads to give this existence of ours some meaning, when in reality physics and biology (aka, evolution) points to our existences as pure random chance, one might see that those that are so involved in being winners, in this competitive society, are very busy for just the story in their head, happy that they are winners in a race that is sort of meaningless in the greater scheme of things, in my opinion.

That being said, you might want to see/speak to someone that would have a professional opinion on your concerns, since two heads are better than one.
 

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